But it is you

“Hi everyone, I’m Lu. I recently found Union Church through social media, and I’m looking forward to… new beginnings.”

I love that I found a group of people to talk about the Bible. From what I’ve seen so far, everyone seems real cool and genuine.

“Great, thank you everyone. My name is Christa but you can call me Chris. I am co-leading this group with Morgan. I’ve been at Union Church for four years now, and I am looking forward to resting this weekend. It’s been a busy week at work and I’m tired y’all."

She’s pretty. Something about her lips, so glossy and full. You can tell she uses whitening strips religiously. Based on how her skin is glistening in this light, I know her skin is flawless without the makeup. I could eat her up.

Focus Lu, focus.

“Remember that we are having a get together at Frank’s coffeehouse. This is an opportunity to fellowship and get to know each other better. I encourage you all to come. Let’s pray before we get started. Heavenly Father—”

…

It’s been 6 months since I moved from my home town. Although I put ample distance between me and The Bay, I can still feel the lingering pressure, trauma and straight up drama from my life back home. The constant memories replaying in my head. My grandma always told me, you can run but remember that you’re taking yourself with you.

I don’t mind it here though. I can walk in the grocery store without a random someone trying to catch up with me. I get to rate new restaurants and add them to my list. I’ve spent weeks trying to find a small group of Christian girlies to study the Bible with, and I finally found a group to grow in. No boy drama. No girl drama. Everything is going well and peacefully.

“Remind me of your name again”

“Lu”

“You’ve been coming out to a lot of our groups lately.”

She smells good.

“Yeah I’ve been really enjoying my time with this group. I appreciate everyone’s honesty and vulnerability when approaching different texts. I’ve been learning a lot. And you’re Chris right?”

“Yes, aww I’m so happy to hear that. If you’re interested, I can add you to our young women's group chat.

“This is an unofficial chat. Any hangouts, prayer requests, events or daily life shenanigans, we put in the chat. This week I think someone is hosting a movie night. This group is for ladies around age 22-35.”

“That’s great Chris, especially to be around people who are in the same life stage as you. How old are you?”

“26"

“Me too”

“Alright, I got you added. Morgan! ”

She yells so loud.

“Morgan! Have you talked to Lu yet?”

Morgan is amazing and has family in San Francisco. I hope they don't look at mutuals on Instagram too hard. I've been enjoying being anonymous here. We've been getting into the nitty gritty of the Bible, sharing how God has changed our lives. I feel healthy.

Chris: Ladiessssss it’s almost time for Union’s annual play. Is anyone thinking about acting this year??

Iyesha: Girl no

Kam: I’m thinking about auditioning this year.

Kayla: Yeah me too, I saw the performance last year and it was very well done

Morgan: For those of you who are new to the church. Union’s fall play is one of the biggest events of the year. You have the option to act, sing, or be a part of the production team. For the actors, they normally decide rehearsal time around everyone’s schedule.

Lu: This sounds fun

Chris: yayyyy so Lu’s joining, Kam, Kayla.

Lu: I said it sounds fun..

Morgan: No pressure to join the play, just wanted to make sure you all are aware that the scripts are coming out soon.

I feel bamboozled. I was getting matcha with Chris yesterday and left with a script in my hand. Chris said she’s participated in the plays before and enjoyed it. It’s also a great way to interact with other people from the group that I haven’t had the opportunity to connect with yet. I’m a little excited, I suppose.

It’s going to be busy the upcoming week. I need to make sure that I practice, so I am good for the audition. Chris told me it’s not a big deal because they accept everyone, but I still want to do a good job. That girl has a way with people. I don’t know if it’s her eyes, her demeanor or both. She just makes you want to say ‘yes’.

Lust is such a dangerous sin. It opens the door for other sins to creep in, especially greed. When I see them bite the inside of their mouth while they’re thinking reflectively, or when they lick their nice luscious lips. Or my favorite, when they walk by and you get a whiff of their vanilla musk or floral scent. It drives me crazy. And if you genuinely like the person you’re with, all decorum goes out the window. I just can’t get enough.

Back home, my dating life was messy. Thankfully my job allowed me to transfer offices. Moving here has been a beautiful process of letting people in and allowing God to do healing work.

Even though the healing has taken place, the temptation is greater than before. The people here are so attractive.

God is so funny too showing up in times where you don’t expect. During the group, we’ve been working through 1 Corinthians, and it has been eating me up. “I discipline my body and keep it under control”. Uff, I pray for self control.

“You’re not saying it right. Read it again with more conviction. Like you are desperate. Come on Lu.”

I don’t think Chris has a concept of personal space. Why is this girl in my face acting like Chef Ramsay? I take a step back.

“Chris, this is too much.”

Seriously, the script for this year isn’t completed yet. She steps closer, and looks at me with those eyes.

“Although I want to, I can’t deny what I heard.”

“Yes Lu! Perfect, that was so good. Let’s take a break”

I sink into Chris’s couch. Her home is…homey, and highly influenced by social media. That retro eclectic aesthetic with pops of orange and blue. It’s so funny going over to church people’s homes, especially the leaders. They specifically design their space for people to talk and interact.

Lemon peach cake, I’ve never had this before.

“I’ve been watching too many tiktoks and found this recipe. I’m glad you’re here because this is dangerous to eat alone.”

I laughed. Chris is the only other person who has as much of a sweet tooth like me.

“I feel like everyone has their own achilles heel. When we were in group yesterday I could feel you wanting to say something, but I could see your hesitation. Do you want to talk about it?”

Chris always had a way of asking the right questions.

“Do you always pay that close attention?”

“I like to keep my eye on you”

That sounded a little flirty. What is she trying to do?

“Everyone seems to open up to you, what’s your achilles heel?”

“I love to be in control. I hate to admit it but to an excessive degree. Sometimes I think I’d do anything to feel that rush of power.”

I knew there was something about her. Her ability to get people to say yes, the way she looks at you, or touches you when she asks for something. She scoots closer to me to grab a slice of cake.

“That’s why you lead this group?”

“Co-lead. Morgan and I were heavily considering not leading the group together because I just had to do things my way. I’ve been holding back a lot, focusing my energy elsewhere and it’s been great. Our relationship has even improved. I’ve been able to focus more on the play. And life outside of work and church.”

I look away from Chris, taking a bite of my cake. I would’ve never guessed, Morgan and Chris are so close.

“I get frustrated less than I did before. But I often have to pray before I speak. What frustrates me more is the play. I haven’t told anyone, but I have been helping out more this year. We’ve been working on behind the scenes things for months now, it still feels hollow. It needs more emotion and sustenance, but I can’t figure out how to transform it.”

“I love relationships and being physical. It’s like a craving. How we’re devouring this cake, that's how I like to be devoured.”

Chris appeared interested in my story and I felt safe to share. Honestly I was relieved to let everything go.

“My company had an opening in Chicago, so I took it.”

“Wow, I’m glad you took the step to remove yourself from that environment and made an effort to truly put God first. That’s beautiful.”

We chat for a bit longer getting into the more intimate questions. Chris moves closer during conversation. I notice her touching my arm more than before.

“What did it feel like? The first time you…”

Maybe I shouldn’t have answered that. I don’t see our friendship at that level yet. But Chris leans forward. She hangs on every word like she's memorizing each detail.

Moments later, Chris carefully places her fork and plate in front of the coffee table and moves mine too. I wasn’t done.

Without breaking eye contact she leans forward putting her elbow on the ledge of the couch.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what do people do that make you so excited?”

Why am I letting this conversation go forward?

“The details aren’t important.”

Chris extends her arm to play with my curls. The energy has shifted to a familiar one.

“Lu. In the Bible it talks about God searching our hearts and testing for any impurities”

Her hand made it to my face. So warm and soft.

“And it also says to pluck out your eye if it causes you to stumble”

“That’s true.”

I can smell a light floral scent with a hint of orange blossom. It’s true that you should run away from temptation, but I didn’t expect temptation to meet me here. I’ve been holding back too. But not today. Within seconds Chris’s glossy lips met mine, and my greed as I had described earlier took over.

I glanced at the clock for a moment and that seemed to knock me back to my senses. I gently pull Chris’s hands from my face.

This is not why I came to this city.

“I’m going to head out”

Chris leaning over the couch, watches me pack my things up and a tiny smirk plastered on her face.

“Are you satisfied?” I asked her. She nods her head.

“This won’t happen again, and it doesn’t have to be weird.”

“Right, no prolonged eye contact, no liplocking, no touching—.”

“Chris, you’re making it weird.”

Why does it seem like she’s not bothered? I can’t help but think she planned this…

For the first time, I genuinely feel disappointed. When I arrived in Chicago, I told myself that I wasn’t going to get involved with anyone and focus on loving the one who loves me most. Here I am again repeating the same patterns.

God doesn’t call us to be perfect. Jesus already did that for us. All God wants us to do is depend on him. Rest in his love, mercy and grace.

A couple weeks later, I audition for the play and they announce that our first read through is this Monday. Although Chris and I have been cordial, the dynamic will never be the same. I am excited though to get to know some new people. I love the girls, but I need to make some friends outside of them.

We are all seated in a round room. Two people at the top of the circle, which I assume are the writers, stand up and introduce themselves.

“Like Bree said, I’m Matt. I’d like to thank you for your interest in the play this year. We are truly fortunate to have many of you show up for the play. I want to also give a special shout out to Chris. She helped us tremendously throughout the writing process for this year.

“The title, open for revision, is called Outsider. You all should have been emailed your role assignment. Skim over your lines and we’ll get started in about 15 minutes.”

Finding community in a new city is not an easy task…

I love matcha too, we have to check out this new cafe some time…

Although magnificent, love can be dangerous too…

Lust and greed go hand in hand…

I scan the script again. My exact words. My exact confessions. Even the part about how I like to be devoured—word for word, like she'd been taking notes the entire time.

“You used my testimony!”

My eyes shoot daggers at Chris. The air in the room now becomes unbearably thick. I knew something felt off when I was leaving her apartment. She looked like she had completed her mission.

“No. I simply found the authenticity”

Chris responded even-tempered.

Matt quickly de-escalates the situation.

“Let’s take this conversation outside. Bree, Chris”

If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it… But it is you, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship.

She even acknowledges the betrayal in the play. The irony.

I gather my things and walk out. Behind me, I hear Chris explaining to Matt and Bree about 'artistic inspiration'. She didn't just break my trust—she turned my confession into her commodity and my faith into her weapon.