The Beginning

Let me think back to the start.

Right, I still remember the feeling of walking through the cafeteria at the university. It was a hot and humid July, and the cafeteria was filled with high school students, like me, there for summer camp. Honestly, it was my first time away from home. Most of the other kids had been going away for summer camps and things for years, but I was fifteen and scared shitless at being away from my family for the first time ever. Of course, I was acutely aware of the dorkiness of this intense feeling, and so it seemed imperative that I keep it to myself. But, for an already socially-challenged teen, it wasn’t easy to seem like a carefree kind of girl at a summer camp where I knew no one.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead with one hand as I clutched a lunch tray with the other hand, trying to play it cool while quickly evaluating the least painful place to sit. It was then that I saw her: a woman, sitting at a table off to the side of the cafeteria. She stood out to me. The camp counselors and instructors usually didn’t eat lunch with us in the cafeteria. She had a hefty book open on the table, but I realized her eyes were on me instead of it. I cleared my throat and averted my gaze, rushing to find a secluded spot to eat. I sat down and began to wrack my brain – I had seen her before, but where? I swiveled slightly in my seat until I could see her again. Her eyes were still on me. She smiled and then relaxed in her seat, returning her gaze to her book. I turned back to my food, wishing I had a friend that I could laugh it off with. I ate my lunch in silence.

The next day, I stumbled out of the old red-brick dorm, running late for the first session of the day after having slept right through my alarm. There were a few other stragglers, and I hurried to catch up with them so I wouldn’t be walking in alone. As I rushed across the cobblestone sidewalk, I felt a familiar nervousness crawl into my stomach. What was causing it this time? I rounded the corner and I saw her again, sitting by the old fountain in the middle of the campus. She was holding what I imagine was the same book from the cafeteria, but she was looking right at me again. I don’t know what it was about her, but my heart started pounding as I met her eyes. I felt angry – it was hard enough for me to be there, trying to survive this “normal” teenage experience, I certainly didn’t need a stalker. I began to jog, telling myself that I just didn’t want to be ridiculously late for the morning session, but knowing that I was scared of this woman.

I took a seat in the back of the auditorium and tried to remember when I first saw the woman by the fountain. Sifting through my memories, one hazy day emerged.

In the memory, I’m probably six or seven, and I’m holding my mom’s hand as we walk into a building – a grocery store? There is a woman standing by the cart return area, leaning against the wall. She’s wearing sunglasses, and I’m staring at her because she’s smoking a cigarette. I’m feeling confused because I heard at school that only bad guys smoke, but this woman is smiling at me and I don’t feel like she’s a bad guy.

I gasped audibly, shaking myself out of the memory and causing some kids in the row in front of me to turn to look at me with raised eyebrows. I sank lower in my seat as I broke out into a sweat. The woman by the fountain was the woman smoking from years before, but she looked exactly the same, not a minute older.

I didn’t see her again for the rest of that day, but it didn’t stop me from looking over my shoulder every two minutes. I felt the paranoia rising in me, and I hated it. That night, I typed out a text to my mom: “I hate it here and there’s someone watching me. Please come get me.” I lay in my bed, my finger hovering over the send button. I deleted the message and covered myself with my blankets. I could do this. I could be independent.

A few hours passed as I struggled to fall asleep. Frustrated, I decided to get up and go for a walk, hoping to tire myself out. I walked quietly through the halls of the dorm, fairly sure I wasn’t allowed to be anywhere but my room in the middle of the night. I slipped out the side door so the counselor on duty wouldn’t see me. It was quiet and empty and cool outside. I took a deep breath, feeling like myself for the first time since getting to camp.

“Hey,” came a voice from the darkness. My arms and legs suddenly felt numb as the panic set in. Without seeing the owner of the voice, I knew that it was her, the woman who was everywhere, always watching. My body began to retreat without my permission. I felt myself turning back toward the dorm and starting to take big, awkward steps. I felt her hand wrap around my upper arm, not harshly but with a gentle and calm force that stopped me. I looked up into her face. She was looking at me the same way she had been all week: with intensity and interest. Now that we were standing face-to-face, I could see that there was also kindness in her eyes.

“Who are you? I keep seeing you around, but you don’t work here, do you?” I said. She let go of my arm, and I turned slowly to face her. I couldn’t catch my breath, but something in me forced me to stand there, feet firmly planted on the ground, not shying away from her intense eye contact.

“Listen, I don’t have much time,” she said. “I’m sorry for scaring you. I know this hasn’t been an easy adjustment for you, but I want you to know how proud I am. I’ve always been so proud of you.”

Now I was really scared. Either this woman was completely unstable and I was trapped outside alone with her, or she really had been following me…and I was trapped outside alone with her. My momentary bravery dissipated, and I began looking around for possible routes of escape.

“I know, I’m only scaring you more. Please, just give me five minutes, and I’ll go away. This is too important,” she said.

“What is?” I said, trying to subtly step away from her.

“You need to stay awake and present to it all. It’s the only thing that will protect you,” she said.

“I…am awake. I actually haven’t been sleeping, like really at all, since I got here,” I said, trying to redirect her focus.

“No, I’m not talking about insomnia, I’m telling you that everyone around us is anesthetized to what’s going on,” her impatience suddenly growing. “If you let yourself numb out, you’re going to be in danger.”

“In danger of what?” I asked.

“Tell me this. Haven’t you always felt like there’s someone watching, but no one else seems concerned?”

I looked at her, trying to find the best answer.

“I guess…yes, but wasn’t it…you?” I asked.

She smiled at me, her friendly eyes taking me by surprise again. “Yes, good. I’ve been around, and I’m glad you noticed. You’ve been paying attention and that’s going to help you later. But I’m talking about someone else. Someone else has been watching you.”

The nausea was really setting in now. I shifted nervously, and she put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. I mean, it’s going to be hard, but if you listen to what I’m telling you, you’ll be ready,” she said.

I cleared my throat. “Um, I guess I’m not really understanding what you mean. What do I need to be ready for? Who else is watching me? And what makes you think I’m going to be able to handle this person?”

She took a deep breath in and blew it out. For a few seconds, she stared at me, the cool breeze whistling through her hair.

“This isn’t going to be easy to hear. You will think I’m crazy. But I know you to be an open-minded person, open to possibilities.”

I raised my eyebrows at her, my heart pounding.

“I was sent here to be your guide. You’re important, but that means there are others out there who will try to keep you from doing the right thing. If you come with me, I can help you do this. I can help you face them,” she said.

I couldn’t help but laugh. Maybe this was actually a dream, maybe I was at home in my bed and this was just a long, drawn-out nightmare.

“Listen to me. There is one coming who will change everything. This world isn’t ready for it. He knows that, he knows that he will be able to use us because we’re all so tuned out of reality to do anything about it,” she said. She was calm as she spoke. Maybe I should have run or called for help, but instead I stood there.

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked, my voice breaking. Suddenly, I wasn’t afraid of her anymore. She spoke with such earnest, and I felt she was someone I could trust. She nodded and gently took my hand.

“You are strong. I know it’s not easy to hold such empathy, but it will be your best tool in this fight. Don’t shut it off. Promise me you won’t,” she said.

I nodded.

“You’re going to make it through this. I’ll see you very soon,” she said, squeezing my hand. She let go and turned, walking off into the darkness. I stood there with tears pooling in my eyes. I walked back into the dorm and made my way through the dark halls to my bedroom. Crawling into my bed, I held her image in my mind for as long as I could as I began to drift off to sleep. I didn’t want to let her go. It was then that I knew: this was just the beginning.