When Dogs Can Fly

               I’m abnormal. Or maybe an epiphany. I don’t know; maybe I’m just a weird dog. I don’t know. The things with me is, at night, I “experience gravity differently”. See, it’s like the movies Otesanek and Dumbo metamorphosed into one, but as a dog or The Night/Knight Terror. Forget Batman. Maybe it’s time to go back to the exposition or, to the unintellectuals, the prequel.  See, my parents of adoption (my human Mommy and Daddy) adopted me from the local pound. I was confused about who they were at first, but saw they cared about me and that this was my new home.  But, like any human, they wanted more. Most humans try to advance in their jobs or become thinner, etc. But, certain people are obsessed with how their front yard looks. My adopted Mom and Dad are obsessed with me, which sounds good, but my Daddy is a pharmacist, which means he hands out medication to sick people or people who are sick, or whatever. But, one of his patients/clients/customers, or whatever these people are called now, returned a prescription, because they didn’t like the side effect of flying. Daddy thought they were “off their fucking rocker” as he put it, but, after doing math on his cell phone (Seari?), he cut the returned pill into sixteenths. Now, he told Mommy and his family to never tell anyone he took meds from the pharmacy, ‘cause it’s illegal, but Daddy used his personal money to give “off their fucking rocker” his money back. Then, he put some peanut butter on the 1/16^th of a pill and gave it to me. Daddy does this with my monthly flea pills and heartworm pills, too. I like popcorn. But, with the pill, it had weird side-effects. Daddy said gravity is any two objects which attract each other and says cartoons which says people would float without gravity are “bullshit”. So, I ate the peanut butter pill and then I started to walk away, but all friction disappeared, like when I try to go potty on the ice in winter. I got scared, (I’m a scardy dog) and pushed against the floor and then I moved toward the ceiling. Then, Daddy did something weird again. He got a plastic cup out of the cupboard and he went to the bathroom, but instead of going in the bathroom, he went in the cup. Then, he put a multi-colored white strip in his urine, waited five minutes and said, “I’m not high. This is happening”.  He got out his cellphone and said, “Seari, turn on video” and he recorded me floating, scared, trying to get my body back on friction on the floor. I was so scared, I went potty. That happens with female dogs some times. But, my urine went straight to the floor. But, instead of yelling at me the way he normally does if I have an accident, he said, “Fascinating. She floats but her urine doesn’t. Why would that be”. 

               So, I’m floating around, but I start to deescalate. Like when there’s an old helium balloon which starts to unfloat. That’s what it’s like. Then, I wind up back on the floor, but landing soft. I’m glad I didn’t crash. See, this is the exposition. So, my daddy is a pharmacist but he also majored in chemistry. So, he decided to “chemically break down this motherfucker” and find out what it’s “chemical composition is” and, using an old microscope, he did/ He said a lot of letters and numbers which didn’t make much sense, but he said he could recreate the formula in his flasks. What Daddy discovered was he could make the medication less affective for what it was made for (high blood pressure) and increase the “side effects for dogs”. He added helium, hydrogen, and nitrogen. Then, though, I became hungry, but not hungry for just anything. Think of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. But, instead of what Tigger wanted (I forgot what it was), I seem to want human blood. Now, there are places where I, as a dog, can go and get human blood. There are two places actually and both are in the bathroom. The first is Mommy’s used pads in the trash can in the bathroom. The second is in the toilet after Mommy bleeds during her week. But, it’s like humans when they use crack/cocaine. The more blood I ate, the more I want. 

               So, I figured out how to use the medication to fly out of the house at night when they let me out to go potty. See, there are times when they think “the side effects” of the medication have worn out when it hasn’t. And, I kept feeling hungry for human blood and Mommy’s week ran out so she stopped bleeding and I got yelled at for going through their trash and making “a mess”. So, I had to fly to find more human blood. Human blood tastes different from dog blood. So, I wound up downtown where I saw a lot of people and there was a man who smelled like a trash bag lying on the street, sleeping, so I went for his carotid artery and he stopped breathing. I went for his liver. That’s the most delicious part of any animal. This liver tasted like whiskey, but I still enjoyed it. I then enjoyed the ribs, his tongue, his kidney, and his pancreas.

               Then, a woman points at me and screams. She yells for an ambulance, police, dog catcher, and a bunch of other crazy shit. But, since I still have half-an-hour left, I start flying home. The woman points at me in the air and screams. Then, I smell something which smells like the trucks exhaust on highways and I hear, “This is Police Helicopter 459, land immediately or we will be forced to fire”.  Ah, shit. I’m in trouble and I don’t want to go back to the pound. Believe it or not, I want to get back to  my mommy and daddy. 

               Then, it starts to happen. The medication starts to wear off and I start dropping and the helicopter starts dropping, but it directs me. 

               “We need you to land three buildings down on the red circle”. All dogs are color blind. Idiot. But, since I’m running out of juice, I land in the middle of the circle. Then I hear, “Move to the edge of the building, so we can land our helicopter.” Then, I feel a surge entering my body like the second wind of a runner and I fly up and grab the left leg of the helicopter and shake it the way I used to shake my toy stick. I hear: “Let go of the helicopter. This is an order,” so I shake the helicopter harder like it’s my dog toy and fling it to the ground. I hear what sounds like the garbage disposal on the ground, and then the helicopter explodes. I continue to fly home. 

               I get home and the TV is on and I’m on the TV killing the homeless man and destroying the helicopter. Mommy and Daddy get their suitcases and start packing. And this was just the beginning of our adventure.