The Snap of a Finger

August 12th, 2008.

Another birthday. Another stepping stone into the dreadful world of being an adult for the rest of my life. The years of being a teenager have come to an end, but for some reason I can’t feel any emotions at all. My heart is heavy; I can’t turn back yet I have no idea where I’m going now.

The cold table cloth is under my fingertips; strained faces of people I love all surround me, but a sad melody plays from their lips. A soft cake is placed in front. The details of the curves are prominent; a royal blue icing wraps the outlining, but the most heart breaking sight is the two and the zero on top.

A reminder that I’m in the future now. The past is now a time capsule of what can never be again… something is missing and it hurts my chest.

I blow the flames out before excusing myself from the table. However, somebody grabs my arm.

“Where’re you going? You haven’t cut the cake yet.” My mother questions. Her features are soft and undemanding, yet dark rings hang under her eyes. Though the sight of anything sweet makes my stomach turn.

“I just need fresh air. I’ll be right back.” I start to leave.

She doesn’t protest further.

Sitting on the back steps, I stare into my small backyard. It’s nothing fancy or anything worth being in a magazine, but it’s… home. The place that saw me grow up since I was four. There are still red crayon marks on the outside of the house, though weathered now.

The overhanging trees cast shade over the majority of the grass, yet I’m still in direct sunlight. The heat seeps through my maroon sweatshirt, yet I don’t move. I bask in being in the moment of sentimental value.

I don’t know how long I’m sitting here for. I start playing with some sticks and dirt; the same thing I used to do when I was younger. However, whispering voices break through the screen door.

“I love him to death, but he’s still looking for a job, right?” My aunt Marcy starts.

“Well… no, not really. Rusty has been… in his room. I barely see him… I’m getting worried.” My mom responds weakly.

“I mean I think it’s natural… the last few months have been brutal…,” My other aunt Danielle speaks softly, yet her words mustn’t have been heard.

“He at least has a girlfriend? Or looking into college?”

There’s a pause before muttering I can’t decipher.

“My best friend Cathy has a husband who runs a landscaping business. He could take a look into that?”

“He’s very allergic to pollen. You remember the one time he ran into your flowerbed? Rusty got hives all over his face and arms. I kept him out of school for four days.”

Landscaping.

Frustration starts brewing inside me; my brows furrow.

And just like that—a snap of a finger, and all the world’s expectations fall onto people who graduate from being a teenager. It’s infuriating, but devastating to endure.

I go to the garage and grab my bike. Before I take off with a heavy foot, a squeaky voice stops me.

“Rusty! Been searching for ya, where’ve you been?” Tenner rushes up, flailing his arms around.

“Taking a hike. What does it look like?” My voice is flat.

“On your birthday? Come on, man. You’re missing out on cake.” He steps in front of the bike.

My mouth forms into a straight line, yet the stoic expression does not match the sadness in my dark blue eyes.

“I don’t like sweets.” I kick the bike stand up, getting ready to zip away.

“But Rusty… please come back inside?” Tenner’s face falls. “I’m leaving for college in two days. I just want to be with you as much as I can.”

I let out a hard sigh.

The ‘I’m going away to college’ card… I should’ve known my little brother would pull that.

However, I can’t help but feel proud of him; a boy with a scholarship to law school in Michigan. It’s the only thing Tenner has been going on about for weeks—about how excited he is to start his future.

I kick the stand back down, but don't say a word.

“Just wanna hang out with you… like what we used to do.” He nudges me with nostalgia, but I look away to the blades of grass. Maybe getting cut by that would hurt less than the tender emotions running through my veins.

“You have a bike too, you know.” I gaze upon him.

Tenner smiles before disappearing in the garage. It takes a few moments before an obnoxious sigh erupts through the silence.

“This is not my bike.” Tenner groans. “Where is my bike?”

I turn, expecting him to have his bright red one from 2003, but to both our surprises, a pale pink one with hot pink tinsel running through the handlebars sits by our father’s toolbox.

I snort.

“Um…,” I laugh. “I think–I think Suzie has it.” I force myself to look away.

“And she left her monstrosity of a bike?! I can’t ride this.” He rubs his face to hide his flustering demeanor.

“Well. See ya then.” I wave before kicking up the bike stand.

Tenner groans loudly.

“Why does she have it!? She’s thirteen!”

“I think she graduated from pony-bikes. Have fun.” A smirk plays on my lips before I slowly leave the driveway.

Tenner frowns, frantically switching his gaze between me and the humiliating pink bicycle. He looks as though he’s about to break down crying, but swiftly decides to cut off the tinsel from the handlebars.

Grumbling, he takes the bike to the driveway.

“She’s tall for a kid. It’s your size perfectly.” I accelerate out of the driveway and to the pavement with a reluctant brother.

“I’m spray painting this black. Suzie better have said goodbye to this.”

“Oh knock it off. People won’t question seeing you on a pink bike.” I tease. “Besides, you wanted to be around me, right?”

Tenner glares.

“Shut up.”

The two of us zip around until the streetlights come on. However, conversations are scarce as only the hum of the wheels break through the melody of crickets.

“So why’d you disappear?” Tenner begins. “It’s your birthday, don’t you want to be with family?”

“It’s none of your business.” I keep my vision ahead.

“But why? Can we like—just stop for a second?” He slows, but I keep pedaling. “Rusty. Talk to me. For months you’ve been locking yourself in your room, and now you’re ditching your own party?” He continues, but I grit my teeth.

“You’re being annoying.” I glance back with narrowed eyes. Tenner frowns.

“Rusty! I’m being serious!” He fully stops on his bike before sighing loudly. “Can I ask you something? And don’t you dare lie.” His voice firm, I reluctantly come to a halt. I avoid looking at my demanding younger brother.

“Are you ok? Like are you really ok?”

I sit motionless; I stare into the crevices on the pavement. A moment of nightmarish silence fills the space between the two of us before I start shaking my head.

“No. No, I'm not ok.” My eyes reach Tenner’s face.

His features soften. In a fraction of a second, realization falls over him. Sadness casts over his oval face. An unspoken connection blossoms between the both of us.

“Oh…,” His voice is meek.

“I just… I feel sad every day. I have no motivation for anything. Mom and now aunt Marcy talks about me behind my back on how I don’t have a job, a girlfriend, or even go to college. I can’t stand it. I hate it. It hurts. It hurts, Tenner.” Words start running off my tongue. “But I don’t do anything. I stay in my room. I don’t have energy to leave my own bed…,” My voice starts cracking. “I don’t wanna turn twenty…,” My hands run over my buzzed head. The little hairs are like spikes against my fingers.

“Rusty… I-I…,”

“Dad isn’t here to see it. He’s in my memories, my childhood, and I can’t ever get it back because I’m now twenty…,” My throat tightens painfully. I avert my gaze as my eyes start to crystalize.

“Rusty… he was in my childhood too. I’m sorry you’ve been hurting, because truth is… I’m… I’m not ok either.” He hesitates. “That’s why I’m so eager to go to college. That’s why I… why I want to be around you, but Rusty…,” Tenner inches his bike closer. “Dad loved you. Whatever age you turn he’ll always love you. Are you afraid that he’ll… disappear…?” He squeaks.

I turn to gaze upon him. My mouth agape, my eyes full of heartbreak, it’s evident to my eighteen year old brother on what the answer is.

I am afraid of him disappearing.

I’m afraid that everything I love would be taken away again just like how quick it is to lose a person; a snap of a finger. The mere milestone of entering my twenties—or the aspect of getting older—it keeps me up at night that I could forget about him one day…

I wipe away tears before Tenner pinches my maroon sweatshirt.

“Dad can’t ever disappear, Rusty. You might move on, grow, and change, but dad will always be in the back of our minds. He loved you, he loved me, and he loved mom. I-...,” Tenner goes on before taking something out of his jean pocket. It’s dad’s bracelet that he made out of metal. “When I was going through a lot of… bullying in high school, dad gave me his bracelet. He said it made him feel strong in times of stress or sadness. It didn’t work for me at first, but after he died, this really helped me the first couple of weeks. However…,” He hands it to me; it’s smooth, clean, yet very warm. “I think you need it more.”

My fingers graze over the bracelet as my heart starts swelling in… affection; something so soft against my cold emotions…. It almost hurts in a way.

“I… also didn’t have time to pick up a present, so happy birthday.” Tenner smiles sadly. “I did get a card though so I’m not that cruel.”

I chuckle lowly, slipping the bracelet against my wrist.

“Thank you.” I speak firmly. “Thank you, Tenner.” A sad smile of my own forms.

His lighter blue eyes twinkle warmly.

“How about… we get ice cream, yeah?” Tenner starts to pedal.

My heart touched, I can’t bring myself to decline.

“Last one there needs to lick the bottom of this pink bike.” Tenner calls out as he begins to take off speeding.

Shaking my head, it takes a moment for me to actually try going after him. In the moment though, through the months of darkness, maybe connection was what I needed… Maybe, just maybe going into my twenties isn’t as bad as I envisioned after all.