Dancing Garden

Colorful flowers dancing...

That's all I could see, stunning flowers dancing and twirling into beautiful shapes with the most wonderful colors, even ones I had never seen before. If I reached out I would be able to grab some but I didn't want to interrupt. I stayed laying in the green grass staring and breathing the clear air.

“I feel alive”

That's all I said, and I meant it. Never in my life had I felt that way, clear and released from everything. I never even thought about the routinely tiring life I lived up to that moment. Taking a deep breath and sinking into the soft grass finally at peace, I didn't even catch that I was actually sinking into the ground, causing the dancing flowers in front of me to look farther and farther away from me. I stupidly blinked more and more to recapture the moment that was being ripped from me. 

Then I woke up to the white blinding light above me. 

All I could do was cry really, I never even noticed the hospital equipment near me, the wires stuck to me, or even the people around my bed staring at me. They probably thought I was happy to be waking up but, I wasn’t I want- no need to go back to that place, having woken up was a real nightmare for me. 

Sitting up I wiped my face with my hands, continuing to cry. I wanted to stop, really I did, but I felt so much heartbreak at this moment. I suddenly felt a warm hand on my shoulder.

“We’re so glad your back Teddy.” it was my father, he was teary-eyed… this was the first time I’d seen him this way, normally he was stern-faced. I couldn’t respond, I didn’t want to… I looked at the others in the room, I only saw my sister and my nephew. They all seemed sad as if they knew what has just been ripped away from me but they didn’t, they had no clue as to what beautiful sight I had lost right now. Everyone started to hug me and say their words of care, but it was all static for me.

A doctor came in later telling me about my car accident, how I was asleep for a couple of weeks, about my newly broken leg, and the classic saying; “Your lucky to be alive”. Other than that I didn’t pay much attention to her, I just thought about the incredible sight and the clearness I felt in my body… it felt so real to me, I couldn’t understand why I needed to wake up. I would be okay with exchanging my life for that incredible view again, I don’t care for my life right now, I just want that release again. 

I still haven’t spoken a word to anyone, just a nod of acknowledgment is enough right now, this is starting to bug my family. They keep showing up to talk and catch up on things they have been doing; my nephew made the basketball team and my dad is learning dutch now. I don’t care really… it's just static right now. My vision of the dancing garden is still clear in my mind and that's all I want to think about right now.

They let me go a couple of weeks later, on the condition that I have some other person with me, I don’t live with anyone, I don't know many people other than co-workers, and my sister doesn't have a lot of time, so my dad volunteered. He says it's because he wants to spend time and take care of me but he hasn’t done that in almost my entire life so, why start now? He might be guilty or he feels pity for me, I don't care much but, I’d like to know anyway. 

Whenever I sleep I see the flashes of the flowers from before but I don't have the same feeling as before. When I'm there in my dreams now I feel the tension in my back and the slight pain in my leg… before I felt nothing but true freedom and release. 

For me now, waking up is like being brought to an old grayscale tv. My dad shows up in my room a lot, checking in and trying to make conversation. He’s been trying so hard recently to start something so I’ll bite for a bit. 

Dad started with, “How have you been Teddy? I get that it’s been hard right now but with a bad mood comes a bad life you know?” I regret promising myself to talk already. He did this all throughout my life, sharing how I'm somehow ruining everything with just my mood, I want to just go back to sleep now. “Okay. I’ll be sure to smile next time I get hit by a car.” I couldn’t help myself, I’m not in a great mood obviously. “You know that’s not what I mean… I just want you to get better okay, I get that we’ve never been close but…” he paused trying to hold back tears and to regain himself, “You could’ve died and I’m not going to bury a child.”  I felt bad of course, I mean- we all could’ve been at my funeral right now instead of in my childhood home. 

“I feel dead already… like I’m just waiting to go back to sleep.” I might as well share my vision, “There was a garden you know, filled with clear skies and colorful flowers… It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, really I felt so clear and released. I finally felt that I can just breathe and clear my mind.” I decided to stop there, mainly cause my dad broke down in front of me already after my first sentence. I sighed understanding he wouldn’t get it right now… maybe not ever. The thing is I expected him to collect himself and leave…but he didn’t he just moved closer and hugged me with my head close to his chest. 

Ironically, when he held me tightly… I was finally able to take a deep breath. I felt as close as I could be to the feeling I felt in my initial dream. I started to cry, I wasn’t sad I just felt like a cup running over with water. It was nice to cry in his arms…for the first time since my dream, I felt alive.