Nobodies Daughter

Nothing makes me feel greater than when I’m standing by the ocean. This is where I stand when I want to feel closer to God. I close my eyes and allow the thoughts of my past to begin running through my mind. The memories of the wounding words come flowing back into my mind, words that were so heavy they weighed my soul down to the point where I not only felt them, I believed them. How could I not? These Hurtful words were spoken to me by the people who were put in my life to love me. I would blame myself. Always wondering what did I do wrong , why was I unlovable? Abandoned by my mother, ignored by my father and mistreated by the ones left with the burden of raising me. The feeling of loneliness constantly surrounded me, a feeling I grew accustomed to but never wanted.

As I Stand here in front of the ocean, I listen to the waves crash, wiggle my toes in the warm sand while I bask in the glory of God’s wonderful creation. The warmth of the sun hits my face, the cool mist from the water lays on my skin. I take it all in with a deep inhalation of this fresh ocean air tinted with the sweet scent of waffle cones from a nearby ice cream shop making this moment almost perfect. Bittersweet nostalgia wraps itself around me. I see a little girl letting the waves chase her. She laughs with the anticipation of each wave, a freshly made waffle cone filled with the sweetest strawberry ice cream in her hand. She spots a shiny sea shell in the sand. She picks it up to admire her new found treasure and I could tell by the smile on her face she would not only save this shell but she would cherish it as a reminder of this special day where her only care in the world at this moment was watching as the waves rush over her little feet while the sun light made rainbows in the mist of it all. Her colorful shell in one hand, melting strawberry ice cream dripping down the other, the turmoil in her life was absent in this moment and she pretended that finally her life was great. The blissfulness of this very moment would keep this little girl coming back to this very spot throughout her life. THIS is where she was guaranteed to find happiness when she wouldn’t be able to find it anywhere else. 

As She sat down in the sand and looked out towards the horizon she began to cry.

I walked over and sat next to this little girl, her ice cream completely melted now, even though she wanted to eat it all her sadness did not allow her to finish it.

“ you know that is the best ice cream in the world, I would eat it when I was your age, my favorite part was eating the soggy cone after all the ice cream was gone, it’s so chewy and sweet, it’d be a shame to let it go to waste”. She looked up and softly smiled at me, she wiped the tears from her face with the back of her sticky little hand. She replied “ it’s usually my favorite part, but it’s almost time to go back home, here is where I feel happy , home is where I feel sadness. I feel like this is where God can see me, this is where I can feel him, at home I feel alone, like he can’t find me there and it fills me with sadness, So much saddened that I can’t even finish the best part of my favorite treat”. My heart ached, I did not just hear her words, I could feel them. They were my words, my hurts, my fears and sadness. As an adult I know God never left me but as an innocent child I didn’t think he saw me!

I held her hand and said “ I promise you that it will not always be like this, these feelings will not always be a part of your life, you will be happy, love will find you because God always knows exactly where to find you! Never lose your faith, never lose hope, one day you will have a big beautiful family that will love you more than anything in the world, and you will look back and know that God never forgot you! When I was your age I felt the exact same way, I would also come here to look for God and I promise you he is not only here but everywhere you go“ As I looked at this little girl I began to cry, she looked into my eyes with such trust and bravery, she grabbed my hand and opened it, she placed the beautiful little shell she had found earlier in my palm and closed my fingers around it. “As the days go by sometimes I will start to feel forgotten, I will come here to refresh my mind and I know he exists and my happiness is on the way “ She stood up and said “thank you, I know that I will never forget this day, save this shell so you never forget it either” She smiled at me as she bit into the soggy cone, then she giggled as the strawberry melted ice cream that filled the bottom of the cone exploded all over her hands, “Yup, that will always the best part” She waved bye to me and ran off into the distance.

The level of nostalgia that this place brought me mixed with the memory of that day so many years ago when my faith was renewed was so strong it allowed me to go back to that exact moment and revisit it from my now adult life. It was a day in my childhood that changed me forever. As I sat here, with the shell in my hand, I let myself remember the hurts of my past to give glory to God for giving me the love I needed to get past it all . This is where I can put into perspective the greatness of God. He created this! The God that created this ocean and everything in it, the perfect rhythm of the waves, every grain of sand created me! Remembering the past isn’t to re-live the hurts but to thank God that I never had to feel that way again. I am free from those hurts and now I know I am no longer nobodies daughter, I am the daughter of the most high God. I have a father, I have love, I have a big beautiful family and I have a shell in my hand that is a simple reminder of a grand emotion!