A Letter: 143 Uncomplete & Ongoing

Dear You,

The first time I laid my eyes on you felt like nothing but my eyes passing a stranger, I didn’t register your looks into any category, and I definitely didn’t think I would ever speak a word to you. I thought you would be cool, and I thought about how it would be nice to talk to you since you seemed around my age, yet I had the people I talked to and you had yours, so I didn’t think we’d ever need to have a conversation.

You talked to me first and it surprised me, it surprised me how I talked to you so easily and how you reciprocated it even easier. I became comfortable with who I was when I talked to you, I felt like I could let myself out and you would say whatever you thought, even if it was something “bad”, I could always handle your words since there was no judgement behind your eyes.

Despite me being completely false in thinking there was no romantic interest stirring, I could still admit to myself that all I wanted to do was talk to you, hear you talk, hear you talk to me, I wanted to know everything about you, learn about you and who you were. I was compelled by the thought of how interesting you were.

I now see how romantic feelings slowly crept up on my innocent, oblivious self .

Eventually, I just couldn’t help myself and that beautiful smile found a way to creep into my heart, leaving me smiling with a craving for more as my daydreams were slowly getting filled with your pretty eyes, it felt so natural with you, it was almost as if I had fallen into a perfect trance, and I was immersed in you.

All the feelings were already there, they just needed some romantic aspects for it to go from wanting a friendship to wondering how I would ever live without this man in front of me.

Thus started the switch, from being unaware to hyperaware.

I wanted to you to know everything about me, I wanted you to learn the ins and outs, how I yearned for you to study me, understand me and care for the person I am.

I still get silenced by the way your full lips are placed so elegantly on your face surrounded by your facial hair that is sculpted to perfection along with your nose that has a slight point to it, yet it’s your pretty eyes that draw me in, the eyes that can’t seem to pull away from me, the eyes that exude such happiness as we smile at each other. Your eyes that are encased by dark eyelashes that compliment your thin eyebrows and the fringe that sits on your forehead. Your brown, sandy skin complexion is slightly light, and it is so beautifully captivating as it’s brought together by the blackness of your thick lashes, moustache and styled beard that leaves a little stubble on your cheeks. I find the stubble on your cheeks so cute.

I found myself always looking for you, even when you would have been miles away and I saw you in all the green cars that suddenly seemed to exist and asked myself who on earth would willingly buy a green car? I can say that your car is the only green car that has grown on me, it deserves its own category, far away from the rest.  

The green in me started to appear and I felt jealousy bubbling up as anxiousness if I saw you talking to another girl and that is not who I want to be at all, I want to smile at any wholesome interaction that a person I hold in my heart has with another human being, no matter their attractiveness.

Where was the comfort and the sense of floating, being myself around you? I thought this would be different since it started off so carefree and innocent, I missed the time when I could just enjoy your company with no weight on my shoulders.

Emotions I didn’t want to feel, like self-consciousness also joined the bubbling up club, no matter how much I tried to push them away, my mind was consumed by not wanting to be seen in an embarrassing light in front of you and that is not how I want to be in front anyone, let alone you.

As I started to dislike how I was as my feelings for you grew stronger I slowly started to see how different we were. As I listened to your routine and how packed your workdays are, I realised how different we were, when I saw you interacting with other guys, sniggering away, I realised how different we were, when I heard  you say random phrases that would stop me in my tracks, when you didn’t seem to care for things I would want a man I let into my heart to care about, when you walk away from things I would want a man I let into my heart to stay for, I realised how you aren’t the one I should be falling head over heels for no matter how lovely of a person you are, you just aren’t the lovely that matches me.

The me who seems to be riddled with a strange disease of the mind, that stops me from being productive and the person I want to be. The me who feels self-conscious and too aware of other people’s negative emotions, who has to try my hardest when in the presence of others, who wants to work on these chains weighing her down and to improve and grow until I have the capacity to look after myself so I can give the deserving person the support and kindness that they deserve.

I realised that the problems that I was in now, weren’t something that the life you live and person you are now could help and support me through and so the conclusion was made that I must let you go.

How did I fall for this man who is so wrong for me at this time, how cruel is the feeling of longing for someone you know is not good for you, having to exercise all of your non-existent self-discipline to get them out of your heart.

As I talked to you more whilst going through the realisation that I had to let you go, I became comfortable on a different level from before and suddenly I found you annoying in a ‘why do you keep making me smile’ way. I felt annoyed by how obvious it would have been to see my feelings for you, when I was trying so hard to just see you as a friend. That damned deep voice of yours, the way you speak and the way you smell, I wondered why you were so intoxicating to my senses, and it annoyed me, I wondered why you were so irritating and handsome when I was trying to remove you from my heart.

It seems my brain was already ahead, aware that it would never work out so I should stop before it goes any further, while my heart was miles behind, apparently my lips too since they couldn’t stop smiling whenever I saw your face.

However, it doesn’t change the fact that I have to do this, therefore I am going to let go of you for you and for me. I won’t let this infatuation stop me from growing into the person I want to become. It’s a journey that I will go on alone for the most part, with help from people I know I can trust my mental and emotional wellbeing with, and I know deep down that you cannot be one of those people. I will choose the option to care for you as a fellow human, have fun with you, smile with you and you can be someone to make me forget about how my progress with real life is going, I can do this and not let romance get in the way since we both are seemingly not ready for the emotional commitment.

From nothing to something, to nothing again.

Deep down, I wish for nothing to become something again, however, I don’t want to go against my gut feeling and sabotage myself all for me to just end up hurt and full of regret for not trusting myself.

I hope that whoever you find is lovely, I hope and wish for your relationship to flourish and grow into something of a fairytale, full of compassion, understanding, kindness and warmth. I hope you can care for the one you end up with in a selfless way, a way you’ve never felt before, I hope you can grow as a person, in all aspects of your life because your partner makes you want to be better, for yourself and for them, with the same for them. I wish for there to be mutual and everlasting hard work put into the relationship because you both chose one another, I hope that you protect them and cherish them, defend them with your heart and hold them close to you whenever either of you are having a difficult time.

I wish for you to find peace, and deep down I hope it is me that I am wishing for,

Yours Truly,

Me.