LORDS, LADIES AND LIFEBOATS

“Quintin! Quintin! we have to be aboard that ship!”

“Whatever are you on about Tristin old boy?”

“The Titanic!” Tristin replied.

The Titanic was built in Belfast, Northern Ireland by Harland & Wolff. It would sail from Southampton, England to New York City, United States Of America. As well as being the biggest and most luxurious ship then, it was also said to be unsinkable.

She was due to leave Southampton on April 10^th, 1912, for its maiden voyage. The Aristocracy and ‘well-to-do’ people would be on board. They all loved ‘getting one over’ their other highfaluting friends.

It would be a frenzy for tickets, even Tristin, the Earl Of Huntington would struggle to be near the front of the queue for them.

“Quintin, with your contacts around the country, do you have anyone to help us procure tickets?”

“I can message Lord Fortingham-Smythe in London. He owes me a favour!” Quintin said.

“What kind of a favour Quintin?”

“Best you don’t know, old boy! Let me just say he’s been indiscreet and I have all the dirt I need on him. I’ve kept this in my back pocket for an occasion like this.”

“How indiscreet? Enough for a First Class Stateroom?”

“Oh! And then some, old boy.”

“I need to impress Lady Henrietta Bonnington.” Tristin replied. “I have certain amorous desires for her and know she’ll be aboard a magnificent vessel like this.”

“Leave it with me old boy, we’ll have the tickets in no time.”

The day of departure came around very quickly and the departure pier was a who’s who of the aristocracy. Politicians, Lords, Ladies and other landed gentry were mingling around astounded at the size of the vessel. The gentlemen were in white linen suits, Panama hats and very highly polished shoes. The ladies wore tight-laced corsets and expensive gowns, with matching gloves. Adorned with fabulous sparkling jewellery.

Quintin and Tristin arrived and were shown on board by their steward. “Oh, I say, Quintin. You’ve done us proud. Must be one of the biggest staterooms on board.” Tristin uttered, totally gobsmacked at the facilities.

“Nothing but the best for us old boy. You wanted to impress Henrietta and this will do it,” Quintin replied. “As for me, well my tastes lie in other directions.” He said salaciously. “I noticed the cabin boys were all to my liking.”

“Be discreet. You don’t want another scandal like the debacle at the fair.”

“Don’t worry old boy, discretion is my middle name.”

“Did you see Lady Henrietta boarding after us? She looked delightful and ravishing. We need to seek her out tonight in the dining room,” Tristin replied. “I have to let her, and everyone else, know that she’s mine. I’ll be unlacing her corset and getting into her bloomers her before docking in New York, whether she wants it or not.”

The twins dressed for dinner and arrived early to ensure they could invite Henrietta to dine with them. A few pennies to the concierge would ensure success in that endeavour. The drinks had flowed in copious quantities in the stateroom, before dinner. The twins, as usual, were displaying their infamous twattish behaviour during dinner.

Tristin was drooling over Henrietta, inappropriate sexual language towards her and unwelcome touching reinforced what a twat he was. His brother was no better, shouting for more drinks and being condescending towards the stewards serving the table. Everyone was glad when the twins called it a night and staggered drunkenly back to their stateroom.

“What a night Quintin. Did you see Henrietta? She was all over me. I knew she’d be gagging for it,” he smirked. Tristin noticed an envelope on the cabinet and opened it. “The captain has sent us invites for his party on the 14^th!  Quintin, are you listening to me?”

Quintin didn’t reply, he had flopped on his bed and began snoring very loudly. Sleeping off the effects of the Gin and Tonics they had consumed.

Lady Henrietta did a good job avoiding the twins for the next couple of days. She wasn’t enamoured at their boorish behaviour at the dinner table. She knew however that Tristin would seek her out for round two of his games.

Tristin had been roaming the ship looking for Henrietta but to no avail. This made him mad and more determined to ensure he saw her at the captain’s party. Everybody avoided him but when they were cornered, they failed to answer his questions on the whereabouts of Henrietta. He had to make do with Quintin’s company and all his incessant drooling over the cabin boys.

The party night arrived and again the twins had drunk too much beforehand. Arriving late, in the hope of making a grand entrance, it wasn’t the sway of the boat that had them teetering on their feet. They could hear the titters and sniggers of other passengers as they made their way through the crowd.

“There she is Quintin! I’m going to have my way wicked with her tonight, come hell or high water,” he slurred. “She has been teasing me long enough.” With that, he made a beeline for Henrietta.

He slavered over her, slurring his words and pawing at her dress. His intentions were clear for all to see. He wouldn’t listen to her protestations, nor take no for an answer when he invited her back to his cabin. Lord Fortingham-Smythe stepped in and tried to intervene on Henriettas' behalf. Quintin laid his hand on the arm of the Lord and said “This is none of your business, old boy! Let them sort it out.”

“Let’s all simmer down and have another drink,” Lord Fortingham-Smythe said.

Quintin clicked his fingers and shouted at the steward “We want more drinks here! And put loads more ice this time!”

Just then there was a horrendous screeching sound and the ship lurched sideways violently. Stewards were running around trying to keep everyone calm, then came the announcement to abandon ship.

Panic ensued with everyone clamouring for life jackets and heading to the lifeboats. Quintin and Tristin, true to form were only interested in saving themselves. They were elbowing past folk to get first in line for the lifeboat. The steward they had shouted at for drinks roared at them “Hey you two twats … stay in line and stop pushing through. There’s enough boats to go round!”

The queue shuffled forward slowly as the lifeboats were filled up. Tristin decided he was too important to wait in line so grabbed Quintin’s arm and pushed to the front of the queue.

The steward looked at them in disgust and said “You twats can’t jump the line, get back to where you were.” Tristin took immediate offence at the way he was spoken to.”

Do you know who I am?” he hollered, “You can’t talk to me like that I’ll have you thrown in the brig!”

“You don’t deserve a boat but I don’t make the rules,” the steward countered. He stepped forward and punched Tristin right in the face., Picking him up by the collar he threw him in the lifeboat., accompanied by clapping and cheering from the crowd.

“I say, old boy, you can’t do that to an Earl!” Quintin protested. “We need to be on that boat and you’re not stopping us!” Lunging forward, Quentin pulled the gun the gun from the stewards holster. He waved it about and demanded that he and Tristin were to be the only ones in the lifeboat.

The steward stepped forward and Quintin shot him in the arm. Pointing the gun at the steward Quintin climbed into the lifeboat and ordered it to be lowered.

“Entitled twats! I hope never to meet you again!” the steward said as the lifeboat hit the water.

As the twins rowed away from the ship a hug iceberg appeared out of the night and crashed into their lifeboat. They were sent flying into the cold Atlantic water.

The steward burst out laughing, “You kept shouting for more ice! more ice! Well, you’ve got your wish, you’ve got more than you can handle now.”

Lord Fortingham-Smythe stepped forward addressing the steward, “I wasn’t expecting that.” He said. “They got what they deserved though, now let’s get that wound looked at. He fashioned a makeshift bandage out of his scarf and tied around the stewards wound. “You’re right about those two, but we’re not all like that.” He paused then continued, “Take my place on the next lifeboat, I’ll square it away with the captain and the others on the boat.”

He ushered the steward onto the lifeboat, turned and went in search of the Captain.

He was never seen again.