A Heart Full of Stars

A Heart Full of Stars

Sara stared at her phone until a single tear splattered onto the screen breaking her paralyzing shock. He was gone.

She read the text again. And then a third time. It was long, well worded, full of apologies and assurances of a better future. Just exactly what he would write when he wanted to end it. She could even hear his voice speaking each word like in a goddamn movie. And she heard the emphatic tone in his voice on that last line. The cloying softness he imagined carried a world of empathy and emotion - “And I will miss you.”

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, she thought as another tear washed across the glass. She wiped her sleeve across her eyes and then absently across the surface of her phone. She threw the phone on the bed then looked at the sheets and comforter beckoning her to return to their secure embrace and sleep away the day, letting the hurt subside for a time. Maybe, if she just stayed there, forever.

No, she heard herself say. And with that she turned away from the Siren's Call and began her day - with a definitely different plan.

“Fuck that guy. Yeah, just fuck him and all his bullshit,” advised Chassy.

“I have, I did,” Sara replied, watching the swirls of cream slowly disappear into the coffee as she stirred the cup.

“Figuratively,” Chassy clarified. Chassy, she hated Chastity, had been a friend for almost as long as Sara could recall. She had come to realize that the nickname was fitting given the amount of load bearing and support she had offered all those years. She was her chassis in Life and her closest friend.

Sara nodded and took a sip of her coffee. “I would love to forget all about him but that is a mind exercise not involving the heart. That’s where the trouble lies, Chass. We’ve been together for a year.”

“Eleven months.”

“Close enough. But I thought I had passed this part. At least past break-up by text, for God’s sake.” Another sip. “You have to admit that was chicken shit.”

“Easily. But the end result is still the same. He goes his way and you go yours. How that journey starts doesn’t make any difference after that first step.” Sara nodded. “It is what you do after that matters.”

“But I…” The rest caught in her throat, sadness suddenly reached up and grabbed it. She felt the oh-too-frequent sting of tears and returned her eyes and thoughts to the cup sandwiched between her hands.

Chassy placed her own hands atop them. “You’ll get through it, hon.”

She looked up, the tears blurring her vision for a moment. Chassy was underwater. “That’s what you said last time.”

“And..? You got through it, right?”

“Only to be right back here again. Every time I think this might be it, this might be the last time I have to start over. I find it isn’t. I don’t think I can continue to hope. To believe.”

“You can say that but you’ll see.”

“See what? That my heart is so broken I can’t fall in love any longer?”

“That’s just stupid, Sara.”

“So say you. You have a husband. You’ve found your…person.”

“Have I?”

Sara blinked. “What? Chassy, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” She waved her hand in the air, wiping away the lingering meanings. “We have problems like every couple, married or not. People don’t mesh like some glorious movie ending. There is baggage, different expectations, different needs. Honesty is a tenuous mess of sharing and restraint. We’re two different jigsaw pieces that will never fit perfectly. Years of personal erosion will get you close but those gaps still exist. And it only takes one to break the whole damn thing apart.”

Sara looked at her silently waiting for some sudden revelation that would signal catastrophe but it never was uttered. “Are you…?” She let Chassy fill in the blank rather that speak it.

Chassy blinked. “No. NO! Nothing like that. We are fine. Great in fact. Six years and still find time to cuddle on the sofa when the baby is asleep. But there are times I just want to run away, find something else. Not have to put in the work. But you know why I don’t?” Sara offered a stilted nod. “Because I love him and against all odds, he loves me.”

“What if he left you?”

“I’d kill him,” she smiled and Sara thought maybe the smile was covering a bit of truth. Chassy caught her look and gave her a scowl. “I’m kidding!” She picked up her cup. “Sort of.” She winked and smiled before taking a sip.

Sara laughed. “I bet you would.”

“As long as he thinks that,” she added with a large grin. They laughed.

“I’m glad you have him, Chassy. He’s a good man.”

“Yeah, I think so.” Her eyes softened as the laugh lines relaxed. “But what about you? You can’t give up.”

“Right. I know. But it just seems so hard. You know the saying - ‘Once bitten, twice shy?’ I’m six times shy. Maybe I won’t take a chance on the ‘right’ guy? Maybe I’ll be looking for imaginary signs that it isn’t working out and take a step back and lose a good one.”

“Don’t start playing that game. Every time you have to go in fresh, new. You can’t carry the past experiences in there with you.”

“How do I do that? How do I leave those behind?”

“Do you ever look up at the stars at night?”

“Is this a real question?”

“Stop it. Listen.”

“Okay. yes, I look up at the stars, Chassy.”

“At night?” Sara glared at her. “Just checking. Anyway, there are stars everywhere. And each star has a history. For billions and billions of years it has been going along hoping it might manage to give light and heat to worlds that orbit around it. And some do and some don’t. But if planets don’t form the star keeps on being a star. Its light continues for all that time and we can see it here on Earth. It doesn’t do much good for us but it sure makes a great site in the night sky.”

“Alright. So?”

“You see, not every star gets to have a solar system. But after a long time, the star begins to collapse. It loses the battle with entropy and eventually explodes into a nebula. That nebula forms a new star and quite possibly one with planets. If not, the cycle continues.”

Sara looked at her for a long time. “What does that have to do with me, Chass?”

“Every star is a possibility, Sara. Each one has a chance to develop planets that it can nourish with its own singular heat and light. And regardless it shines beautiful even without planets. But it started out with a possibility that the vast cosmos will give it planets. And if not it still shines as bright. And in the end, another chance comes along. And another chance. And another. And nothing about its previous incarnation affects its new one. It is all blown away like dust to start over. And every single time it shines.”

“I love you, Chassy, but you have lost me.”

She took Sara’s hands in hers. “You have a possibility every time, Sara. Every time you take that chance you become that star and you shine. You have that possibility every time. And if not, then the next time. You are wonderful and special and beautiful and bright. Your heart is full of stars. Shine.”

And so she did and her next relationship died like a supernova. But the next one…