CHANGES

When did this happen? Staring at the stranger in the bathroom mirror. I said to the person in the mirror, “Well, when did this happen? You certainly can’t be me, you look nothing like me. You’re old. You’ve got those lines around your eyes and mouth. O.M.G. your hair isn’t red.”

Turning away, I walk into the bedroom and find my sweetheart, Lovey, of 44 years putting his clothes on. My love for him is still full of passion, glowing like a flame in my heart.; He looks old now. He has a potbelly like many men his age. His belt for his pants or shorts goes under it, not at his waist. He moves stiffly, as if he had done a weightlifting contest the day before.

Moving quickly to him, I wrap my arms as far around him as far as I can. My hands can’t touch anymore. The bellies we now sport have added that little extra to our joint girth. He, however, can still wrap his arms around me. Which he does, with an extra affectionate rub of my rump.

“What’s this for, love?” He asks me.

“Can’t I just want to hug and love you?” I said.

“No, something is bothering you, I can tell. What’s wrong?”

I can feel the flush coming up my neck and covering my face as I lift it to his, “When I look in the mirror the person I see isn’t me and she doesn’t resemble me at all,” I reply.

Rubbing my back, he says, “I know the shock you’re describing. We all have to face that stranger in the mirror someday. Because we all change over the years. It is natural.”

“Oh, I know that. It’s just that sometimes when I gaze into the mirror I still bits of me like from when we met, even back to when I was a child. Today, I can’t see any of the old me. Just the broken down new me.”

He reaches out a finger and catches the tear about to fall from my eye as I share this revelation. “Well, I want you to know, my love. When I look at you, I see the youthful woman I fell in love with and the powerful woman you have become. I daily see glimpses of what you looked like as a child, mirroring the pictures we have of you as a child. Never forget, you will always be the bride of my heart.”

Wrapping both arms around me again and squeezing me in playfulness, he said, “So, love. What’s for breakfast? I’m ready to eat a bear!”

Nothing changes. He is ever the same. When he thinks of me, he seems to use his lower half more than his upper body, thinking only of food and sex. Even now as I head to the kitchen, I can sense his eyes follow my swaying rear. Causing me to add more swing, in answer to the twinkle in his eye.

Hmmm, what sounds good today? “Hon, how does bacon, toast, hash browns and cheese omelet to split, sound?” I ask him as he walks into the kitchen.

“Delicious. Want me to fix us both a glass of juice to go with when I set the table?” He said.

“Please. It will be ready in about 25 minutes. Do you want your coffee now, or when I dish up?”

“Maybe about five minutes before it’s ready?” He said.

“Sure.” I said shoving the bacon in the oven then I pull everything else together.

We work in complete harmony. He moves to grab the silverware, as I open a cupboard to pull out the plates. He pours the juice as I slice the bread. A dance we have danced for the past four years.

Nothing changes, yet everything has.

Five years ago, we each had a full omelet, and I did all the cooking and setting the table. We didn’t have juice then, either. Instead, we had fresh fruit. That has been a change. We love our juice, but I miss the fresh fruit. Where we live now, the cantaloupe and watermelon have not been good. What they have in the stores has no flavor. So, I refuse to buy it.

We have changed. And will continue to change.

“What’s up for today?” my hubby asks.

“Well, I want to get the food and supplies we bought for the animal shelter to them, first. Then I have a doctor’s appointment. After that I need to pop into the grocery store for some butter to make those chocolate pastries you love so much.” I reply.

“Which doctor are you seeing today?” He asks.

Grimacing I say, “Neurologist. He will go over the results of the latest tests. He has them back from the lab.”

“I would like to with you, if you don’t mind? What time do you want to leave?”

“Sure, you can come with me. I’d like to leave at about 1030. But what about the girls? Do you think it will take too long?” I ask.

“The pups will be all right a for a couple of hours. In fact, I’ll let them out now so they can, hopefully, do their business. While they are out there, I’ll bring in the small fence and set that up, too. That way they can’t run amuck in the house. Don’t worry, they’ll be fine.”

“All right. I feel much better with you being there with me. You always hear something I miss. I would ask you but wasn’t sure of your plans for today.”

“You are far more important than anything I have planned for today.” He replies.

*****

Watching the medical assistant wrap the blood pressure cuff around my arm, then putting the oxygen monitor on my finger, a sneak a quick glance at Lovey. Seeing him here makes me feel secure.

“Mrs. Ozie, your numbers are great. I’m going to go to the back office and put these in the system, and doctor will be in shortly.”

I smile at my hubby as I give her a nod of understanding.

“I wish my blood pressure could be like yours without taking meds.” Lovey said.

“You know I’ve always had good blood pressure. I just wish everything else worked as well as it does,” I said. We both chuckle at the same time. The warmth of his gaze encompasses me. That look says it all. Changes or not, in this physical body, his love is unchanging.

Reaching out, he grabs my hand, brings it to his lips and kisses it. I know no matter what the outcome of the tests, his love is there for me to lean into.

“Mrs. and Mr. Ozie, it’s good to see you both.” Dr. Jope said, as he grasps Lovey’s hand and mine, then moves to the small half desk across the room.

Sitting down, he turns on the computer and pulls up my records. He scans them, then turns to me and asks, “So, remind me, Mrs. Ozie, why you are here today.”

“The tests you ordered done on my brain and memory, you said were in. And at this appointment we would discuss them.” I reply as I squeeze Lovey’s hand.

Dr. Jope raises one hand and pulls slightly at his bottom lip, “Hmmm. Let me pull the pictures from the brain scan up so you both can see them. Give me just a sec.”

I can feel the slight tremors in my hands as my heart races. My mind can’t seem to settle on anyone thought until I turn to Lovey and see the same thing reflecting at me in his eyes. He reaches across with his other hand, grasping mine. I turn my hands in his, enabling us to clasp one another’s hands as we wait. I am so grateful the seat we are in is almost a bench it is so big, allowing us to sit close together.

“Ah, here it is,” said Dr. Jope as he brought the monitor closer to us. He points to the screen. The pictured in front of us has a white outline of my skull. We can see slight trace lines of gray with several white blobs spread throughout it.

Using a stylist wand, he points to white blobs, and says, “This is what we call ‘White Matter.’ Everyone gets this as they mature, some more than others. Yours is more than normal.” He indications each blob as he explains what this is. “’White Matter’ is dead brain cells. All this gray you see is fully functioning brain cells. White Matter occurs when the blood vessels of your brain shut down. With no blood flow to that part of the brain, it dies.” He waits and watches us, allowing us time to absorb what he has told us.

“You also have another problem which contributes to this. Small blood vessel of the brain disease. Which causes your blood vessels to collapse easier than normal ones. Unfortunately, you have both, Mrs. Ozie. Sadly, neither is reversible.”

I watch Lovey’s eyes go wide with shock, knowing his facial expression reflects mine.

I turn my gaze to Dr. Jope and say, “How bad is this? Can we slow it down?”

His eyes reflect his compassion for my situation as he says, “It’s not bad, but it will still need to be monitored. We know that as with other forms of dementia, exercising the brain can slow the progression of this disease. Unfortunately, we have still not found anything to cure it. However, there is a battery of tests that a Neuropsychologist can administer that will give us more information for a clearer prognosis. I will refer you to, Dr. Janna, a Neuropsychologist I work closely with, for further tests. Be prepared for these tests taking four-hours. You’ll get some break time during the test. And unfortunately, Mr. Ozie, you won’t be able to be in the room with her. It will be just her the doctor. However, when Dr. Janna has the results, you can be with your wife to hear them. Plus, she will pass on the results to me.”

He returns the monitor back into normal position, then turns back to us, saying, “Do you have questions?”

“Yes, I do. Is there any place we can go to find out more about these diseases? Something on the web?” I said.

“And, is this why she doesn’t consistently have memory issues,” said Lovey.

“Yes, I’ll have my assistant will include that information when she gives you the referral paperwork, Mrs. Ozie. As to your question, Mr. Ozie, in a nutshell, ‘yes’. But we won’t know more until after the next test results are in,” said Dr. Jope.

“Is it all right for me to drive and do things like that?” I ask.

“I would say, after looking at these findings, yes, it would all right.”

“What about the panic attacks, doc?” Asked Lovey.

“I don’t know, so I recommend that you both carry your cell phones with you at all times. If anything happens, you can text or call one another to avoid any problems.” Then he turns and looks directly into my eyes, saying, “You must call him if he isn’t near you, if you panic or can’t remember something, he will come. Don’t move or try to find him. And I will also refer you to a therapist who will help you deal with the panic attacks… She will give you some coping tools.”

“Thank you. Yes, that will be helpful.” I said, as I watch Lovey nod his head in agreement.

As Dr. Jope opens the door to leave, he turns back saying, “I’ll have my assistant put the information about the therapist too, along with her contact information. As soon as we get the results, I want to see you again, so we can discuss a ‘game’ plan. All right?”

*****

As we walk out to the car with all the paperwork Dr. Jope sent us home with, Lovey says, “We will have to make some changes, don’t be afraid, love. No matter what I’m with you. After all, the changes we have been through… moving from country to country, raising children with no family support during all those moves. Not to mention transitioning from our different careers,” then he laughs out loud. “And your many retirements. How many times have you retired?”

I can’t help but join in the laughter as I say, “Four times, the military, as a cost analyst, church/senior pastor’s private secretary, beauty consultant/makeup artist, and clothing designer… and don’t forget I just started my career as an author, too.”

He opens the car door for me, then makes sure I am in, shuts the door and get into the driver’s side. Before turning on the car he turns to me, reaching out with a hand to turn my face so I am looking into his eyes. “Everything always works out simply fine with any changes we’ve faced in the past, and I know, just as you do, any changes we face now, will also work out. Don’t fear the change. Change isn’t bad, it causes each of us to grow into who God wants us to be. Remember the story in the Bible about the potter? We are all clay in his hands, all we have to do is allow him to mold us and make us into his image of us.”