Yellow Flickering Light

I’m Trey, there isn’t much to say about me though. I am writing this to you because there isn’t anything else I could do here. I really just kind of sit in the same place and hope for something good to happen. I sit in the room with the windows down, wearing a ripped up gray college sweater. I’m not in college nor have I ever been in one because I’m not, “trusted”. I don’t know what trusted means but that’s what I’ve been told. I get told a lot of things and have been told so many things throughout my life but yet, nothing changes. I always end up back in this very seat. I wear sneakers but no laces because it, “scares people”. I wear sweatpants without a string because it makes “people nervous”. I wish I could tell you what I meant by that but no one ever explained it to me and if someone did, well, I can’t remember. I think it is easier to tune people out rather than listen to them because I get into trouble either way. I don’t even know how I got placed in this room with the four gray walls and the ceiling with a dim yellow flickering light. 

Honestly, people don’t know what I do with my life because I don’t even know what I do. When I was little I had a few friends, no real names, but I called them A, B, and N. A was funny, just thinking about them makes me laugh a little bit. We always did risky things together but it was only us, just me, and A. A was only with me sometimes though, this was more when I was really young. I remember once we ran away from home and tried to go on a walk by ourselves. We didn’t know where we were going or what we were getting ourselves into but we got caught, and I got in trouble for it. I was little so I tried to distribute the blame a little bit to A but they didn’t believe me- they said that A was “in my head”. I know A wasn’t though, that was my lively friend. Sometimes I think about what I would have been like if A stuck around. I guess friends come and go; A hasn’t visited in a while though. 

A was a good friend but A never really helped me long term since they left me early on. When I was little I also had B; B also caused me to be in trouble. B never made me feel the same way A did though; they had different purposes. B made me more depressed I would say, I don’t remember much but it is kinda how I feel now. B and I would sit at my desk and B wouldn’t let me do my homework. B ALWAYS got me in detention but my teachers blamed it on me, I don’t think it was my fault though. How could it be my fault when I was trying to do the work and B didn’t let me. I learned that I needed to stop blaming my friends for things because I was told they didn’t exist far too many times. I know my friends existed but the more people didn’t believe me, the easier it became to keep it to myself- it became second nature in a way. A and B didn’t really get along which was a stressor in my life; it was always hard for me when my friends couldn’t be friends with each other. A would cause me to get into physical fights and say that I was in right. B disagreed with A and thought it’d be better to sit in my room with the lights off and with my eyes closed. Looking back, I wish I could explain the yelling that happened between them because it is hard to explain in words, especially when so much of it is repressed. 

Enough about A and B, I had another friend, N. N made me feel better about things most of the time. N was my best friend and never really had interactions with A and B. N tried to explain that nothing I caused was my fault- which was different than what everyone else said to me. N stayed with me through my childhood and I would never let anyone tell me that N didn’t exist because N saved me. Without N then I probably wouldn’t be here writing this to you, whoever you are. As I sit in this room, the grey room, with the flickering yellow light, I thank N for being there for me and trusting me when no one else did. I told N things and N told me things that I could never tell anyone else. 

I don’t know what I’d do if anyone of my friends because they all allowed me to experience different things. As I grew up they all slowly started to leave me but I knew it was okay because N told me that they’d be there for me in the worst states of mind. Recently, I’ve been okay. My food gets monitored, I don’t have a phone, and all I have is this sheet of paper with a pen that is running out of ink. I would go on about my life but its really not so interesting, like other kids, I had friends. Like other kids, I blamed my experiences on my friends. My parents said I can’t blame my friends because they weren’t real. What do they know? They’re real and no one can tell me otherwise. I haven’t heard from any friends in a while and don’t know what I’d do if another one came along. I wish there was another friend to come by once in a while. I get lonely sitting in this room with the same four gray walls and the same yellow flickering light. I wish someone would change that light, I don’t know who but it gets annoying. It goes off and comes back, and then it goes off again and well….you guessed it, comes back again. Now that I think of it, maybe that light is supposed to show that I have another friend on the way, I hope so. It gets lonely in the room with the four gray walls and the yellow flickering light.