Kate and Me

I screamed. With every ounce of my soul. It was the scream of someone being murdered. It was spine tingling and shook me to the core. But the scream was captured and hung in my throat. No one else heard a sound. But I swear. I was screaming.

“Now, Catherine, dear, are you cold?” she asked. “My goodness, you are shaking. Here’s a little shawl. Put this around your shoulders.”

She can’t fool me. Pretending to care. They are all alike. Well, I know how to play the game. I fake a shy smile as a way to thank her. Kate would smile; I know her. I take the stupid shawl and wrapped it meekly around my shoulders. At least it’s not white like her outfit and everything else in this damn place. I am tired of the monochromatic realm I find myself in. I can’t believe I’m here again. I tried, but I need color. I need to breathe. I am alive and all they want to do is deaden me.

We enter the office. It’s white. Except for the chairs and a drab wooden desk.

“Here, dear. Have a seat. The doctor will be with you momentarily. I’ll just wait with you until he arrives. Will that be all right, dear?”

Dripping with condescension. I dare not open my mouth and let the scream free. That would ruin my plan. I need to get control of it first. Before I speak. So I nod dutifully.

After a few minutes, the door opens. Dr. G enters. I know his name isn’t Dr. G, but that’s what I call him. No one here knows why. But I do. He is the one in line after Drs. A, B, C, D, E and F. No names. Just a white-coated conga line. 

“Hello, Catherine. May I call you Catherine? How are you feeling today?”

Yes, you dope. That’s my name -  Catherine. It’s on the paper in your hand. You can read. Congratulations.

I can’t be snide. Stop.

“Fine.”  I mutter the word he is aching to hear. I just opened my mouth a sliver, so as not to let the scream escape. It was still in the back of my throat, pushing forward. I had to keep it locked away.

I stare at the floor. Control…control…control. I beg the scream to cooperate.

“Wonderful. Do you remember why you were brought in last week. . . why you are here?”

I remember. Kate told me the police came. She scolded me for the way I behaved. They brought me here - had to medicate me, they said. I woke up in my white room - dead inside. Like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Locked away from the world, waiting to break free. It took me several days to wake up. But I am back. I can feel again.

“So, here is the story, Catherine. We have seen you before. According to your chart, this is your third time being admitted here. Each time we discharge you, you end up back here. I think you forget to take your medicine when you are on the outside. Now, that’s a problem. The drugs I prescribe are important. You cannot skip. We don’t want to repeat that pattern this time.”

I don’t want to be back here either, bud. Believe me. It’s Kate’s fault. She pushes me to take those meds all the time. They make me disappear. And I don’t like it. She says they are good for me. Kate would love it if I just went away. But I want to exist in a world full of color, a world full of feeling. I don’t want to live like a zombie. We don’t agree.

“How do you think we can break this cycle?”

My scream has receded to my stomach. Not gone, just waiting to pounce. I can talk now but I don’t know what to say. I can make promises, but I know they will fall on deaf ears. I tried that last time. After my second visit here. They call it a visit, like it’s a vacation. 

My eyes leave the floor. I look at Dr. G. and shrug. He won’t get it. Just like Dr. F and those that went before him.

“Look Catherine, we are trying to help you here. But you need to help us. I am concerned that you haven’t taken all your medication, even this week. This morning we found a couple of the pills you neglected to take – that you tried to hide. Before we release you this time, I want some assurances that you will stay on your medication. It’s harder on the outside. Do you understand?”

I try to think fast. He needs an answer. How to explain the pills . . . it is important for Dr. G to believe me. Silence would be a grave mistake. My grave.

What would Kate say? She lives in their world. She understands them. I have to think. Think. Otherwise I will never get out, never see the color purple or smell the meadow again. At least they didn’t find them all. Not the ones I put in Grace’s breakfast the last few days. They think she is sick with the flu. I never did like her. Ha, ha, ha. 

Stop it! Stop it before they see you. The laugh would be worse than the scream. I put on my mask. And lie. I’m good at that.

Be sweet…

“Dr., I do understand. I know I let some pills slide, but that was from days ago. See how well I am doing with my meds now? I know why I’m here; I had a setback. I feel much better now. I’ll stay on the program. I have too much to live for on the outside. Too many people care about me. I know that now. You won’t see me again.”

Blah, blah, blah. I was nervous. Did I speak too fast? Too much? Used car salesman trying to sell a lemon. That’s what I am. A lemon. Did doc buy it? That is all that matters.

“Catherine, that is wonderful. I’m glad you are on board. Look, we are going to keep you here another week and see where we are. Then I will re-evaluate to see if you are ready for the outside.”

I feel the scream pushing up again.  Another week?  And then see??  I must have done something wrong. I tried to be like Kate. She would be out. Ugh, what did I do?   Other than a few pills. They only found two. That’s all I had in my room. I was saving those for breakfast tomorrow. I just hadn’t decided if Gracie was to get them or someone else. A week for two pills?  

This afternoon---I wanted out this afternoon! The scream was choking me. It was ready to spring . . . dangerously close. I was afraid to open my mouth. So I smiled and nodded.  My resigned smile. Rather, my version of Kate’s resigned smile. He thinks I am ok with another week in this place.

Play the game…play the game…play the game.

“Now, Catherine, before you go back to your room, it is time for your medication. Here. This is a different prescription. A little stronger than your old pills. But longer lasting. You won’t need to take your medicine as often with these. Maybe this will be a better routine so you don’t forget. You only need to take one pill in the morning and one in the evening. Two pills. Each day. You can manage that, right?”

No, no, no, no, no! I don’t want new, stronger drugs. I didn’t forget. Kate would never let me forget. It was on purpose. Oh, I can’t say that. Say no to drugs, just say no. . . Nancy, I am trying! 

UGH. And he’s going to watch me? Geez. Conga G doesn’t trust me. I see it in his eyes. I gotta get out of here! I can’t take it much longer. I will be dead beyond redemption soon. Another week. How can I last?

Hand extended, I took the cylindrical concoction of poison. Poison equals death. Death to me, that is. Death to all things dear. There was no escape. No way to slip it into my pocket or hold it under my tongue. He is watching me like a hawk. A shot would be next if he caught me. The shot was worse. I knew. Been there.

Nurse X handed me a glass of water. I don’t know if I am up to X in nurses. I lost count a long time ago. But I must be.  X.  It’s been a long conga line. 

I put the capsule in my mouth. What to do…what to do…there’s no escape.

I swallow. 

“Good girl. Now Nurse Gloria will take you back to your room. Have a wonderful evening, Catherine.”

Dismissed. Conga G dismissed us. He leaves. I should do something. Break something. But I can’t. I have a plan. Only one more week. Stick to the plan. Stick…Stick…Stick. UGH.

“Come, my dear. Let’s get you back to your room so you can get ready for dinner. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes are on the menu tonight. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?”

I could already feel the fog creeping in. It won’t be long before it covers my mind. I start to mumble. And drool. Not very lady-like. I was 45 on my last birthday. That I remember. Mumbling and drooling like an idiot. A baby. An idiot baby. They are trying to kill me. Correction, they are killing me. Slowly.

“Or, perhaps you would like to dine in your room tonight. I can bring you a tray. This new medicine can make you very tired. Just at first, dear, until your body adjusts. Um, I think it might be best for tonight - to dine in your room, I mean. I’ll bring you a tray so you can just relax this evening.”

She’s pretending not to notice my drool. She sees what they are doing to me.  Evil white ghost. X, Y, Z. I see three.

We enter my room. I stumble over the threshold. She helps me to a chair to sit. My legs are a little wobbly. Before she leaves, I try to hand her the shawl back, but I miss and it falls on the floor. Good. Dirty rag. Pretty soon, oblivion will come. 



I needed to talk to Kate. Before the world goes blank.

“I be right back, dear. I’ll bring your dinner tray. Just sit and relax for now.”

The door closes. Nurse so-and-so left. I am alone in my room, or so she thinks. I know Kate is here. Hiding.

“Kate. Oh, Kate. Coast is clear. Come on out now. I know you told them about the pills. You must have. No one else knew. Answer me. We don’t have much time.”

The fog descends upon me. Everything is hazy. My mind is swimming. Upside down. I try to shake off the haze, but it has a firm grip on me. I feel nothing. Numb. But I am not dead yet. This is when Kate comes. She always comes just before I die. She talks like she is deadened too. Robotic. Whispering.

“I am here, Catherine. Surrender - surrender to the fog. Do not fight it. Give in to it.”

“I don’t like it. Kate. You betrayed me. You told them about the pills. Why, Kate?”

“No Catherine. I did not tell them. It was a random search. They do that. You left the pills out. That’s how they found them.”

I’m confused. Did I know they search the rooms? I’m usually pretty careful. Cobwebs. I can’t think with all the cobwebs. Darkness nears. Kate has more answers. I need answers before I die again. She is coming into focus now, while everything else fades. I need to hang on to Kate.

“Why canno we ged alawn? The do of us. I thoot we were in dis togedda. You don like dis place eida. We ne to bake fee. Kate. We need to ged out.”

I know my speech is slurring. I can’t think straight. Balloons popping. Memories in balloons. What is this new medication? Fast acting. Fast numbness..

“I am the way out, Catherine. I am the only way out.”

“Whaaaa?”

“Your brain has betrayed you. It doesn’t think in a straight line. It zig-zags. Then it explodes. You and I are a team. But I can only zig when you zag. You need to stay on the drugs so I can zig.”

“Whaaaa? I don unerstan you, Ka-e. Gedding dark. Hel-me.”

The last thing I see is the door opening. I am gone. Nurse XYZ enters.

“Oh good, Catherine, dear. You had a little nap. Here is your dinner tray, just like I promised. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

“Thank you. And you can call me Kate.” I whisper.

I stare at the white walls of my room.  I won’t be here for long. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t mind the white.  I embrace the fog, the numbness. Every movement is deliberate, slow. Molasses. It has to be. I know, it is Catherine or me. Can’t be both. Sorry, Catherine. I had to choose. You have to lose. Did I betray you? No, I saved me. Our brain has betrayed us both.