Bright as the Stars

Stars.

They twinkle above the heavens. The lights of those who have past. The celestial beings watching over Earth. The fragments of elements lumped together hovering in the vastness above.

Nights had been my favorite times of day then. Momma and I would sit or sometimes lay on the ground and watch them for hours. We could do that then because we were in the country. Momma would share stories about each speck of light. The little one that we could barely see was my little sister who was taken away from us too soon. The big bulbous star was my Uncle Fredrick whose voice and stride had matched his big size. The two stars close to each other were my Momma’s sisters, twins who never wanted to leave but had no choice. My whole family was up there and I loved imagining how it would look when I joined them up there in that vastness. At one point, I wondered if I would find my Father up there.

Father was in my life till I was seven. I recall him picking me up and spinning me around until he fell from dizziness. Those were days of laughter, games, and fun. There was one day I recall like crystal. Father and I were putting together a lego puzzle on the living room mat when Momma ushered me to my room. She had my favorite book out as well as my blocks and asked me to keep playing, that she and Father was going to chat for a bit. Old boring adult stuff. I gladly took the blocks and book. Old boring adult stuff was no fun. While I played, I heard something fall. I didn’t think much about it as Father was always dropping things. The loud voices that followed weren't startling either. Momma always told me that she and Father had loud conversations because they were passionate. I wondered if I needed to be passionate but Momma told me that my voice was perfect as it was.

That was the last day I heard my Momma’s and Father’s loud voices. The next day was school and Father kissed me goodbye as he always did before leaving for work. For some reason, I was nervous by it. Momma took me to school and when we stopped in front of school, she turned to me and asked me to pay attention. I wanted to and I tried but Momma didn’t look like herself. Her eyes were red and puffy like after I’ve cried and when she clasped her hands around mine, they were trembling. Momma? I asked, wanting to see why she’d been crying but not wanting to start the day with sadness. Momma pressed a wavering kiss to my forehead and gazed at me like I was the only precious thing in the world.

Stay as bright as the stars my darling. Keep dreaming, keep going even if everything in the world tells you differently.

I didn’t understand those words at the time but agreed happily, giving Momma a smooch on her cheek before leaping from the car. At that time, I should have asked if she was okay. But I was seven and wanted to play with my friends at school.

That afternoon when Momma picked me up, Father wasn’t home to greet me. He didn’t come home that evening either. It took me three days to realize he wasn’t going to come back. It took me years to realize he never really loved Momma and me.

Stay as bright as the stars. Keep dreaming, keep going even if everything in the world tells you differently.

I toss the sparkly stress ball into the night sky from my balcony. It covers Uncle Fredrick for a moment before coming back down. Classes finished up in a few weeks. I will have graduated in business then and started an internship at Solar Tech Company. It wasn’t my dream job but it was close. Danny’s mocking words echoed through my mind. You can’t lead a company. You’re too girly. No one will listen to you. Every night I dismissed his words. I will lead a company, so what if I’m girly? And I didn't need to be loud to be heard. Father’s voice echoed Danny’s, harsher than I remember but most likely more true. You girls support me. You’ll be a good supporter my little girl. I won’t be the support I say in the darkness.

These days, the stars weren’t my favorite time of day. They were just nostalgic. Mother died a year ago today. Her last request was the sentence that beats to my heart everyday.

Stay as bright as the stars. Keep dreaming, keep going even if everything in the world tells you differently.

I glance into our apartment, watching Cassy mumble into her pillow as she slept. She was the assistant manager at a law firm, having graduated last year but staying here with me till I was finished. We supported each other but we also pushed the other to keep going. Be the stars of our own lives. Not stars I corrected. Because as bright as stars were, there were many of them. A whole extended family of lights in the sky. Steady like Cassy, constant as Momma was, as proud as my professors and mentor were. But they weren’t like the moon. Cassy was the Moon. Momma had been the Moon. A great ball of light that could guide the Earth on its own, without the stars. It changed everyday yet stayed the same wondrous light it had from the beginning of its time. Cassy never let another person say she couldn’t. Momma never allowed Father to take away her hobbies. The Moon changed the sky, shifted the heavens above. I wanted to lead, carve a path for others. Father was wrong about being a support for him for I’ve never needed him. Wanted him perhaps but never needed. I had Cassy’s support and her guidance as the Moon in my life. I wanted to be hers.

Stay as bright as the Moon. Keep dreaming, keep going even if all the stars tells you differently.

I was going to be the Moon, not the stars.