Confidence Should Be Her Name

No, I am not going to fall for it this time, she thought. She wondered why she always fell for the excuses of her mom. For years she allowed her mom to run her life, make excuses for why she couldn’t fulfill the task she said SHE would do. 

“Mom, listen I can’t cover you this time.”

“Baby, I understand but I just need something to get me home. Please baby, I’ll pay you back.”

“Where have I heard that before.” She said with an attitude.

“Who are you talking to? You need to watch your mouth, don’t forget I’m still your mother.”

She sat there for a moment regretting that she even told her about her new job. All her extra money goes to her every time. Her mother finds a way to turn the focus on herself. “Fine mom how much does you need?”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to give it to me if you need.”

“Mom…it’s fine.”

“Thank you, baby, I promise I will pay you back.” She pleaded.

Kyra felt a knot form in her stomach from her mother telling her those words. The words were empty to her, had no value to her. She pulls out her phone and transfers some money to her mother. Confirming she received the money; Kyra watched her mother skip off like it was nothing to it. Her mother never asked for a certain amount which means she wanted it to give to some man she is dating. The waiter came to her with the check and ask will that be all for her.

“That bitch. She knew she didn’t have the money for this restaurant SHE picked out. I have had it with that woman, who does this to their own child? I don’t believe I feel for it again.”

The waiter seems confused, “Ma’am can I get you something else? Maybe a drink? It’ll be on me.”

“Mind yo business. That’s all, I don’t need nothing else from you or anybody.” Looking around for her purse she moves her hand aggressively across her body finally noticing the purse been on her the whole time. 

“I got it. Have a good day.”

Kyra was so mad at her mother and herself. She didn’t have words to say or how to describe the words she was feeling. Trying to wrap her head around how she keeps letting this happen. She considered herself a good person. Do people right, treat them with respect the list could go on and on. So why continue to have these same problems over and over again. The trail she was walking on lead her to a stream. Not sure what she wants to do she walks over to the edge of the grass. Sitting down she crosses her legs, closes her eyes and screamed to the top of her lungs. Next, she took her shoes off and put her feet in the stream. Kyra placed her hands on either side of her, leaned forward to stare at her reflection. The tears rolled down her face each drop hitting the stream one after another. She surprised herself as she continued to cry, finding joy in her silent tears. Each tear drop had its own unique ripple effect in the water, watching the different ripples she was making made her cry even harder.  

“It’s time.”

She jumped back looking around wondering who was around. Pulling out her pepper spray she scans the area feeling for her shoes. Feeling completely watched and unsafe she put her shoes on to go home. The closer she gets to her car the more tears were falling.

“I’m going home. I don’t understand why these tears are coming. Just stop please, at least till I get home.”

Why? That is the question she has asked herself for years but never answered. The why questions of why she must go through this, why would her mother want to be like that to her child, why did it feel like she is responsible for her mother, why must she be the parent of her parent. She just wanted to get home. Making the drive home more tears, he was on a roll of tears. I drove an hour to my mother for what? Me to pay for her gas, my meal, her meal and then turn around to give her money. Making the hour drive back was the biggest reality check with a side of a slap in the face. 

“Just one more exit and then I’m home. Just one more.”

Getting off on her exit she focuses on making it to the house. The anger that has always been there rises like the temperature of boiling water. Slamming the door behind her she throws her purse on the couch. Goes to her kitchen and pours a double shot. I need to calm down, she demanded from herself. 

“I’ll just take a shower. Nice long shower then sit in my massage chair. It’s been a few weeks so it’s time.” 

Walks to the bathroom to start her shower. Water starting off cold then quickly going to a hot temperature. She goes to the mirror and wipe her eyes. You just need some rest, that’s all. Rubbing her face, she heard someone say something. 

“Girl please stop lying to us.”

“Hello?” Looking to the left she didn’t see or hear anybody, just the water running.

“Don’t act like you don’t hear me.”

Getting petrified she nervously replied, “I got a gun.”

“You’ll be shooting yourself. Wipe the mirror and you can see.”

Kyra started to wipe then stopped. Feeling her emotions all over the place and trying to place them somewhere was determining what she wanted to do next. She started to wipe and relaxed a little bit to confirm she was here by herself. She smiled and let out a breath. 

“I know me and I’m not going crazy.”

She stared at herself and realized when she moved her arm the reflection didn’t follow. She looked confused at maybe her emotions was not in check like she wanted them to. She moves her head to the right and back center. The reflection stayed there.

“What the hell.”

“What the hell is right. What are you doing?”

She wiped the mirror aggressively then wiped her face. “I’m going to go see a therapist tomorrow.”

“Kyra, you don’t need a damn therapist you need some balls.”

“I’m either dreaming or woke up in another dimension.”

“Like I said you need to grow some balls and tell yo momma no sorry our momma no.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Yes!!! Now we have a conversation. She is wearing you down, she is the reason you stay in the hole, she is the reason you don’t have a man, she is the reason you have a thriving career. Need I go on?”

“Nooo. I get it. Your right, I’m right, no we’re…hell I don’t know. Bottom line is what your saying is true.”

“You know.”

“I’m getting in the shower.”

“I’ll be here.”

Kyra shook it off and got in the shower. Ok Kyra get it together honey. You need to get more sleep; you need to relax. You’re letting your mom ruin your life. Time to stand up to her. 

Letting the water run she remembered all the times she got mad at her mom and said nothing to her. Afraid of being told she was being disrespectful again. Miserably trying to focus on why she couldn’t tell her mother no her focus was on the question why is her reflection talking to her? Anger was still wanting to fully take over the more she began to count all the situations her mother has done her wrong. Enjoy your shower, this is your moment with the shower don’t thing of everything else, thinking to herself. Taking her own advice, she closed her eyes and remembered everything she lost with her mother close and everything she worked hard for. She really has allowed her mother to do whatever she wants, gets whatever she wants, etc. 

“Not this time.” The wall didn’t reply back but she felt some confidence build up. 

“You know she will hate you for “cutting her” off.

“Yeah, but I don’t care. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m talking to myself through a mirror.”

“No, you been talking to me you’re just now not trying to hide.

She grabs a towel, dries off and looks for “herself,” in the mirror. Cleaning the mirror encourages her reflection to come alive. 

“Enjoy your shower?”

“Yes, I did, thank you. Why thanking me is not weird at all.”

“Come on get a grip you talk to me all the time. I just never replied.”

“Let me explain something to you. I’ve had it with that woman. I’m done dealing with it and covering her.”

“You can say it all day long, but you still have to say something to her.”

“Fuck it! And fuck her!”

“Tell that to her.” 

There was a knock at her door, checking the cameras it was her mother. Seeing her face put her in a rage of anger and confidence to say no. She grabbed her hand-held mirror and walked to the door.

“You’re going with me.”

Kyra opened the door to face her mother. “Yes, mom what is it.”

“Hey, I was in the neighborhood and was wondering have you eaten yet.?”

“You can do this tell her no.” Her reflection pushed.

“Let me explain something ok?”

“Ok baby what is it.” Her mother cheerfully said. 

“No. And fuck you!!”

Kyra slams the door and looks at her reflection. “I did it.”

“Did what? Stand up for yourself?”

Kyra looked and realized she don’t like her reflection a life of its own but love that fact the reflection won’t let her get away with anything.

“More than what you can say.”