Melancholy, a Phone Conversation

ring ring

“Hello?” 

“Oh- Sarah! I wasn't sure if you were going to answer.” 

“Oh, Anne! I’m sorry. I know I’ve been busy, I guess I-“

“I know, honey. I know. I can't blame you for missing our calls.”

“I haven't forgotten, you know.”

“I know, Sarah. It’s okay.”

sigh “Well, how are you?” 

“Come on, Sarah. I’m not the one with the story to tell. James told me when I called last month. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, yeah. Well, um, I… I don't know where to begin, partially ’cause the kids are still around. I'd hate for them to hear… but I do want to tell you. They’re working on schoolwork, anyway. Well, it’s all just been so… much.” 

silence

“Jacob's casts have been off for a few weeks now, but the pain still hasn’t gone away. Zachary still can’t understand why Jake won’t wrestle with him, and where Chris has gone. Oh, Anne, I’m so worried about my boys. I just feel like I’m failing. I've never gone through something like this. I’m so scared and angry and confused.” 

“Why are you angry?” 

“Oh, I guess James left a few key details out. Chris was the driver.” 

“… Right, so James said. I think I’m still missing some details, hon.” 

“The accident, well… It wasn't an accident. Oh god, oh god. Chris wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and he was speeding and he ran off a bridge and into a tree and went through the windshield. Jake slammed into the dashboard and broke a few bones but was mostly okay. sniff I just can’t believe everything that has happened. Jake had just finished his lifeguard certification so he tried to save Chris. Unfortunately, he was gone almost immediately. Too much head trauma, they said.”

“Oh my god, oh my god.”

“I don't know what to do, Anne. Everything is wrong. My happy boys are gone now. James is working overtime so we can pay the hospital bill. I feel terrified every second the boys are away from me. I can't look at our car the same. Oh god. Everything is wrong. Everything is wrong.”

“Sarah, Sarah, Sarah! It's okay. I’m so sorry. Jacob is okay, though. At least we have that. He's healthy, right?” 

“Yes, yes he’s okay. The doctor says he’ll have pain in his legs and neck for decades, maybe forever. But yes, he’s okay. He's okay, for now. But… Anne?” 

“Yes, honey, I’m right here.”

“What if Jacob tries something like Chris did? And why did Chris drag Jacob into this? Jakey says Chris wanted him to quote-unquote come with him. What does that mean? And is it the truth?” 

“I don't know, honey. I don't know. Have you considered therapy for him?” 

“I have, but James says that’s only for crazy people. He doesn’t want people to look at Jake funny, but Jake says people already do. I've never seen my Jakey depressed like this. He needs some kind of help, I know it. His mother isn’t enough for him. I've never been not enough for my children.” 

“Oh, Sarah.” 

“I’m sorry. I know this is a horrific story, and I’m springing it all on you like this during our call. I guess I really needed to talk to someone about it. James has told me not to tell anyone outside of our family, which of course, includes you.” 

“Well, I’m touched. I’m glad I can be here to support y’all in any way that I can. I’m so sorry about everything. I’m praying for the four of you. Is there anything I can do to help? I can come out there next month if you want.”

“No, Anne, that’s a six-hour bus ride! That's just too much, hon. But, I appreciate the offer. Let's just talk about something else. Tell me, how’s Michael?”

“Oh! Michael… He’s, well, old news.”

“What do you mean?”

“He left.”

“Anne… sigh I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah. I don't know how to feel about it. Everything feels wrong, too. 10 years and just… gone. First Alex, then Bryan, and now Michael. They all leave, eventually.” 

“What happened, honey?”

“We had a wonderful anniversary date one Friday night, then he was gone by Sunday. Looking back, I should’ve known. During our date, he was talking about us like we were in the past tense. Like, he was reminiscing on something from years ago. I should have known.”

“Wow.”

“I come home Sunday and all of his stuff is gone. I feel so numb about it after Bryan did the same thing 15 years ago. Of course, this one is worse. I go through my day using things in my house that are now mine but were once ours. I can still smell him where his pillow used to be. Sometimes I even think I can hear him in the house, but it’s just the cat. It’s been 4 weeks and I keep thinking he’ll come back, but I’m still alone. I eat dinner in silence hoping to hear the jingle of his keys by the door.” 

“I had no idea. I’m sorry. Oh! And I just piled all this sadness onto you too! I’m so sorry.”

“No, no. Actually, it was nice to feel a different kind of depression than this one. Weirdly, I felt less alone. And I feel alone constantly. It’s like the quiet of my home and the darkness of the corners I sit in consume me.” 

“Yeah, I know how you feel.” 

“Life can be so…”

“Melancholy”

“Yeah.”

sigh

“Do you want to keep talking or…?”

“We don’t have to.”

“Do you want to hang up?”

“My cord is long enough, I can make dinner and still sit here with you.”

“Okay.”

“Anne?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Are we ever going to be okay again? Will the darkness ever leave our lives?” 

“I don’t know. I miss the brightness that my life used to have. It’s like, six months ago I had no idea what darkness was to come.”

“I know what you mean. I feel lost in the darkness.” 

“Yeah. Me too.”