Date Night

{Arman – A Wish, Hope or Dream}

{Amara – The one blessed without end or death}

“Arman??”

Startled by your dazed voice, I looked over to face you, absorbing the sight of the wind tickling your long dark hair, and reddish moonlight caressing the left side of your dusky face. I wondered how someone could look this perfect at 2 AM. It has been 2 years and yet your face hasn't changed one bit since the last I saw you. However, my mind still couldn’t help being enamored just by one look of yours. Glaring at me with mystical and deep eyes, dressed in pale white, an incarnation of the night herself, it was like you never slept. Sleep was deprived of you.

You hit me with: “What are you doing here??”

And with that I was slapped back to my senses. 

“I was looking for you! Ringing your doorbell. The fool in the security said the D-block was empty”

“He must have mistaken it for the A-block, happens.”

“So, uhh… two years huh? How have you-”

You stopped me right there, held my hand.

“Not right here. We need to go to the rooftop”

You dragged me to the rooftop, and of course people stared in bewilderment, and just cleared the way, leaving the entire rooftop for the two of us. The rooftop was set like a stage, waiting for you, it’s main character. The light blocked out the rest of the view and just focused on your face and other stars in the background, the wind did a good job of blocking out the dreadful traffic noises and chatter, and just entitled your voice to pass through. 

“So, uhh… How ha-”

“Fine.”

“Ahh great, great… this weather… it’s just so-”

“Windy.”

“Yes… yes, just wanted to acknowledge that. Plus, the moon… I don’t recall seeing it that red before. Pollution, or… is there something special today?” 

“Unfortunately, nothing different about today. But it is indeed red.”

“Yes! Glad… Just glad that we’re on the same page… about the moon color.”

“We both know why you are here; can we skip the small talk?”

I gathered what courage I had in me:

“Amara, I think I owe you an explanation”

“I know you do. Go on then, get it out of your system”

“You know… uhh… I feel I should have reached out to you after the accident. But I didn’t know how I would face you, your family. I had no answer to who I was to you at the time, except that ‘I was the one responsible to put your daughter in this condition’. There has hardly been a night where I haven’t vividly pictured all the ways things could have gone differently. Why did we have to be in that car, on that route, at that hour. Why did we have the fight while driving, why did we even have to get out of our room. I had EVERYTHING I needed in there. Nevertheless, it happened, and I am to blame. I had no courage to face you, or your family.”

You let out a dry chuckle, and sighed “You were afraid to face my family, and my family didn’t even bother to face me. I wasn’t deemed worthy of love to begin with. Being in a coma after a car crash was a good excuse to forget me. Medical reasoning aside, waking up is a thousand times easier if you have a reason to.”

I longed to hold you and let you break down in my arms but what right did I have now.

“I believe I could hear voices, but just dry, aloof ones. To them I was one among a hundred bodies which they were hoping to revive. All I needed was the one voice desperately calling me over to return. No sleep was too deep to drown your voice. 

I was hoping you would reach out! In my head the ideal scenario was I would wake up with you on my side, holding my hand, eyes dried up, sleep deprived… Just wanted to open my eyes to your face. And to that stupid look you have. Lock eyes, and watch your sickly face slowly turn vibrant beaming with joy! Maybe have your eyes moist up and your voice crack as I sink into your warmest and sincerest hug! Welcome back to your side of the world. And alright, I know… I know it’s a bit too dramatic but boy oh boy, that would have been a moment for sure! How cinematic! One call Arman! One call was ALL I would’ve needed! For me to fight and crawl back to the light. Who knows? I might even have made it, might have even woken up.”

At this point I was beyond the point of filtering my thoughts before saying them.

“Eventually when you did wake up, did you ever think of reaching out to me?”

“What do you think I am doing now? It’s just that I had never really woken up… But it is high time you did.”

I couldn’t look you in the eye up until that point, but now that I tried, I felt a bit dizzy and saw red and blue flashing across my eyes, I tried to focus on your face but for some reason I just couldn’t. My legs felt weak and I just recall finding myself seated on the steps. 

“Wake. Up. Pull out my photo. And have a good look.”

Your voice shot from above my head, I could just feel you staring right at me.

“My eyes aren’t as good as you describe them to be. My face isn’t nearly as perfect, our interactions, our relationship and my personality were never as flawless as you remember them to be. No deceased person ever seems to have flaws. They’re always perfect. Guilt is making you paint a perfect picture of me, a perfect picture of us. This isn’t me; it never was. It is time to let go of that picture, it is time to wake up.”

All I remember after that was waking up on the stairway after what felt like a million exhausted sleeps, with your picture in my hand.

Looked as perfect as ever. Placed it in my wallet, and walking down the building, I noticed it seemed emptier without you, uglier without you. Almost as if the block was abandoned for years, broken and empty from within and in desperate need of repair. For some reason even your house was locked.

I enquired about you to the security and residents. The few that didn’t walk away, didn’t even know about the people living in the block, only rumors of occasional visitors who talked to themselves. People tried to convince me that the night might have been a figment of my imagination. I refuse to believe it. 

I refuse to believe that you are not reaching out to me. I find it outrageous when people call you a hallucination. If it was a dream then waking me up was the cruelest trick the almighty has played on me. It is YOU who is coming to me, if meeting you requires me to blur the boundaries between the two sides of death, then so be it. I couldn’t be there to wake you up, but I promise you, I will be there until you pull me to sleep as well.