Once and Future Me

Dear little one,

You won't know who I am for a few years yet. Assuming this works the way I think it will, you may not meet me at all, but a version of me that exists in all worlds at once. And if you don't understand what that means yet, that's okay! You'll get it soon enough.

I wanted to give you some pieces of advice. Things that I wish I heard or ways to work through things that I felt I couldn't ask anyone at your age. Hopefully this will help you out, but if it doesn't, just keep some of this in mind, okay?

1) Your best friend is an asshole jerk. She seems like someone you can cling to so your brain stays afloat, but she's going to cling right back. Even worse, she will do everything she can to separate you from your friends, especially once you're both in high school. To this, I give you three words.

Let. Her. Go.

I'm serious, you need to break things off with her as soon as you can. You may not believe what I have to say, and I get that. But just because you met at Disneyworld doesn't mean that she's someone to stay with. Don't let one of your happier places be tainted by her presence; dust her off and walk away.

She'll try to beg you to let her stay. She'll cry, she'll get angry, but whatever happens, keep her out. She's a poison to your sanity and mental health down the road, even insisting that you step out of your comfort zones to please her. Do us yourself a favor, okay?

2) Mental health! That feeling of emptiness that you have from your stomach to your neck when you want a small emotion but can't get it? The overwhelming panic you feel at being in new places or around new people even if you hide it? That isn't normal, and don't let our your mom tell you otherwise. Be your own cheerleader and ask your parents to send you to a therapist. A therapist is someone who can talk to you about what you are and aren't feeling and help you learn how to deal with it. Or get you medicine to help make you feel better.

Now don't panic! I know what you've heard about medicine, especially for the things you're going through. You'll get people saying that it'll turn you into a zombie, make you feel even worse, or that you're too young for medication. Don't listen to them. One more time.

Don't. Listen. To them!

You know you're missing the smaller emotions and only getting the strong ones. You may need more than just someone to talk to, and that's okay! Store-bought happiness is still happiness, and you'll show your strength by asking for help. Which leads to the next thing.

3) You're not a burden by asking for help.

You. Are not. A burden. By asking. For help!!

I know what your brain tells you; that you're bothering people by asking for help. Even your sixth grade math teacher wonders why you're getting C's in her class when in other math classes you did well. Don't be afraid to ask for help, from her or anyone else. If you don't reach out, you won't get help and you'll be stuck in the same place you're in now. Please, please, please, don't think you're less important than what someone is doing at the moment. You'll find that teachers, doctors, and your parents are more likely to stop what they're doing to help you, because you're more important to them.

4) Ask all the questions! No really, ask them! Even if it's about things you find odd about your beliefs, ask questions and look for answers even from places and people you may not normally go to. Of course, you need to make sure your sources of information are good and that you follow up on any sources someone quotes, but asking questions is how we grow! It's how we learn and determine what does and doesn't work for us as we get older.

5) Be kind to yourself. I know how harshly you criticize yourself, like getting a C on that math test. It's okay to not do as well or to even fail at something! I know you don't like the sound of that; your parents insist on you getting good grades to help you in the future, and you don't want to disappoint them. But all you're doing is hurting yourself with the constant pressure you put on yourself. If you do fail a test, just take a step back and figure out what happened. Could you do better than what you put on the test, or was this the best you could do? And if you did all you could, then relearn where you fell short and keep pushing forward. Don't let yourself get stuck in one place because you did one thing poorly, otherwise you'll get sucked into a void you can't escape.

6) Say no. Say no and stick with it. There will be times and people that ask more than you can give. Don't over-give yourself to those who want more than is necessary. Doing so will also hurt you and them in the long run. So that partner you have that wants you to do all the work while they sit back? Don't let them do that. Either tell them to do their work or they can kiss the grade goodbye, or tell the teacher what's going on so that they can step in. Remember, teachers are there to help you learn, and if you give the other students all the answers, then you're not helping them learn.

This also goes with those that make fun of you or try to push you away. They won't ever really take you in and accept you; you know they purposely change the four square rules to keep you out of the game as long as possible. And you remember what it was like to have your hairs pulled out but to be punished instead of the ones that hurt you. If someone doesn't like you, stay away from them and give them no more of your time than is absolutely necessary.

7) You also can't fix everyone. The only person you can control and make complete changes for is, guess who? You. Everyone else has their own things to deal with and histories they've lived, so you won't every truly know how they'll react to something. Therefore, don't worry about what their reactions will be if you do something a little different to help yourself. But at the same time, you can't try and help every person that comes your way. They won't all want your advice, maybe they don't want you to say anything at all. Don't try and change someone or make them change their minds if they don't want it. Trust me, it'll save you a lot of heartache down the line if you remember to put yourself first once in a while.

8) Love yourself. You truly are deserving of love and attention, even if you don't think you are now. And you deserve to give yourself love, even if there's a part of you that disagrees with this advice. I tell you this: if you don't take care of yourself, you'll be harming yourself in ways you can't begin to understand at this time. Don't let yourself fall into despair, especially as you may not have the means to pull yourself out until you speak with a therapist. And even if you don't think you can love yourself at this time, I do and always will. Please never forget there's at least one person out there who loves and wants the best for you and will cheer you on.

I know this is a lot of advice from someone you haven't really met yet, but I can assure you that these are meant for you to better yourself. Please don't hesitate to leave letters for me to find later to talk with you again in the future. You'll eventually get a black fake leather journal with a magnet holding it closed; leave your thoughts there, and I'll find it eventually. At least, I hope this version of me will, but even if another one does, I'm sure they'll be willing to speak with you. Again, please look after yourself.

Have a wonderful rest of your sixth grade year and remember these pieces of advice when you need them!

Sincerely,

Your 27-year-old self

PS: Get out of that school as soon as you can. Trust me, you need a fresh start to help yourself grow, and that school won't help. Especially with you sister's shadow looming overhead, they'll always compare you to her and your bullies aren't going anywhere until after high school.