The Lilac Cloud

I look at the dress, picking it up, the feel of taffeta in my hands. Holding it up to my body. And there it is. A lilac cloud of frills and lace. With the slightest movement the friction noise of this outdated fabric is probably worse than the dress itself. I throw it across the room where it lands in a noisy lilac shimmer of frills on the floor.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I feel hot stinging tears come to my eyes.

"Don't cry, don't cry” I say, reciting to myself. Too late. The dam wall broke, and the tension and sadness came flooding forward. The ugly cry was in full swing. A crumpled face like a 400-year-old troll, red and wet with big fat sad tears. Big heaving, and god awful noises coming from my mouth. Minutes went by crying and wailing until there was no moisture left inside my body, my eyes swollen like a prize fighter.

I sat. No movement just sitting head down. The senior's dance is only weeks away now, this moment I have dreaded since grade 11. This should be one of the happiest times of my life, but it is not. The pressure. I have felt it in many ways, the pressure of not having money to be able to do the cool things my friends do and to not have the cool things my friends have. This dance really is just the icing on the cake, it's like lemon in a papercut that never heals.

I have avoided the dance conversations and dress shopping all year. It monopolises every lunch time and all social media. The dress chatter everywhere I go, the make-up, the cars, the photographers. And here I am, sitting on my bed with a lilac cloud of a dress in a heap on my bedroom floor. One thing is for certain, that lilac cloud that morphed itself into 2024 from 80's will not be making an appearance. It feels terrible and sounds worse than it looks.

Sadly I stare at this unwelcome intruder on the floor. I feel bad now, ungrateful emotions starting to creep their way in. Mum thought I could use it, maybe make some changes or alterations to it for the dance, it was her dress back in the day. Her face so happy when she gave it to me yesterday, I could tell she was remembering her happy moments in this dress, maybe she thought it would do the same for me. I took the dress trying to be grateful, my heart dropping to the floor.

It's just Mum and I these days. And money is not something we have plenty of. There is just enough some weeks for us to get by, and some weeks, well there just isn't. We both go without; I know she sacrifices a lot. This dress is all I have.

Right, pull yourself together. What are the choices:

1.   Don't go or,

2.   Alter the dress

I stand up and walk over to the lilac mess on the floor, picking it up I assess this noisy cloud to see what I can do to alter it. Laying it out in its full splendour on the bed I step back. It is awful.

Before I launch into another gut-wrenching sad cry, I pick the dress up and stuff into in my wardrobe. I look at my watch, I have work in half an hour, better do something with the troll face and forget about the dress.

I get to work and put my phone and keys in my locker and log onto shift. My best friend is on shift today, she takes one look at me, and her face goes from big smile to big concern "What's wrong, have you been crying??!"

"Oh yeah" I say, can't hide anything from her.

"What's going on?!" she walks over to me, while I fumble for my headset.

"Nothing, just school dance" and I tell her about the lilac cloud.

I watch her face. I can tell her anything, she knows how hard Mum and I do it some weeks. She has been with me through it all.

She doesn't know what to say to me, what can you say. She has had her dress for weeks now, keeping it on the downlow so I don’t feel weird, and I feel bad about that too.

"It can't be that bad, I bet we can alter it", she smiles lightly, gauging my reaction. The one thing about her, she never lets anything get in her way, or get her down.

"Yeah, I bet we can" I say, mainly to change the subject and I take my first order of the shift.

A week has gone by, I have again been dodging any talk or discussion about the dance even from my Mum. She keeps asking me about the lilac cloud.

"It's nice", I say. "Yeah it will be great" I say. I watch her face, she smiles from her heart.

Lying in bed, the dance is now 2 weeks away. Am I going? Am I not? Am I wearing this only option for a dress? Or Am I not?

As if life isn't hard enough, we are in final year, I am working my butt off to get high marks so that I can go to Uni and never be poor again. I will make sure Mum and I can live in a decent place and never have to play the money juggle game ever again.

I lie there in the dark, in the silence. Sleepless. Restless. I really do want to go to the dance, but this dress.

I go over its shape again and again in my mind. I turn it this way, I turn it that way. What can I do?

I throw the covers off, turn my bedside light on, If I am awake, I may as well have another look at this dress. I open up the wardrobe and out tumbles this lilac mess with so much fabric noise. I don't know why, but I laugh at it. I laugh at this big silly thing lying in a big frilly pile at my feet.

I hang it on a clothes hanger and stand back at the other end of the room taking in this dress in the lamplight. Ok. The dress is long, it doesn't have sleeves, so, I have a starting point. I study all the frills and lace to and assess if this can be taken off. Yes, the frills can be unstitched. Ok I nod to myself and stand back hands on hips.

Carefully taking down the lilac cloud that I have been treating so badly I begin to unpick the meters of frills and lace.

An hour passes and the frills have been released. It is not the same dress it was an hour ago. I can't believe the transformation. It is a simple floor length dress, in a shimmering lilac colour. I feel a wave of possibility wash over me. I feel a smile. A relief. This could actually be something. I squeal and dance on the spot. I fold up the meters of abandoned frills and put it in my wardrobe. Jumping into bed to go to sleep, I feel the pressure release

The next 2 weeks are a blur, we have exams, and school dance final preparations are underway. Exams I am ready for, I have worked so hard the last 2 years. A good placement at Uni is everything, it is the start of my life, providing for myself and my Mum, it could be one of the most important things I ever do; to set us up for life. It's time.

The last alterations have been made to the lilac cloud, and she is ready to make her debut. She may not be the most expensive, or the most beautiful fashion garment at the dance, but she is sentimental and will be passable, I'm still apprehensive though.

The day of the school dance arrives, and the anticipation and excitement is huge. Social media has blown up It's a big day. Its our day.

I spend the afternoon at home by myself, my phone is binging like crazy, my friends posting themselves getting ready. It’s time to get into the lilac cloud.

"Are you ready?" my Mum calls as she gets home. She is excited, I haven't shown her the dress or how I altered it. She has been asking, I hope she likes what I have done to it.

I take one last look in my mirror. Breathe out. Yes, I am ready I whisper to myself.

"Yes- coming" I yell out.

I open my bedroom door and out I swish in my lilac cloud. My hair is up in a simple style, make up so simple against my lilac shimmer gown.

My mother's face says it all. Her face lights up, her hands fly up to her mouth and she cries. Happy cries but cries all the same.

"Look what you made with that dress!" she happy cries.

"Does it look alright?" I say quietly smoothing the front of the dress with my nervous hands.

"Look alright", "It's absolutely beautiful, you look absolutely beautiful" she whispers.

"Mum I had to get rid of the frills, I couldn't hear myself think." I try and lighten the mood. Emotion makes me feel weird sometimes.

She laughed, and stares at me in her old school dance dress. Seconds go by.

"Ok, let's get a photo" she sniffles and then continues to fuss about with photos.

"Ok kiddo, it's time to go" Mum is beaming from ear to ear.

We don't have money for a fancy limo service, or a fancy car. So off we go, driving off in her old beat-up corolla, radio on and her smiling from ear to ear.

We join the procession of cars filtering into the venue looking slightly out of place among the mustangs and beamers lining up to deliver their cargo of teenagers.

It's my turn and Mum pulls up to the curb, I am nervous, my neck is sweaty, and my lilac cloud is clinging to me. "You deserve this, go and have fun, this is what you worked so hard for, and you truly look beautiful" she says, her eyes emotional.

“Thanks Mum”

I look to the moving crowd to all the faces I know, all the kids that I have spent all my childhood with. My stomach is in knots. I am about to expose the lilac cloud.

Now out in the crowd, I am engulfed in the colour and the perfume, excited voices all around me. I made it. I am here.

It is pleasant chaos, my friends all around me, Dresses of the most amazing design shapes and colours walking into the venue. Our night of nights just about to begin.

The lilac cloud is holding its own. I am starting to relax now that I am here. I have had a few compliments. And a few - "oh where did you get it from" questions. All answers avoided on my part, and in the excitement, no one realises I haven't answered.

The formalities are underway now we are all seated on big circular tables. I am sitting quietly listening and absorbing the conversations and energy of this night. A night that I nearly didn't make. 12 years and here we are nearly at the end of it all. My thought is distracted as I watch the teachers make their way to the front of the room, ready to conduct the formalities of the evening. The room goes quiet.

One by one the students are called up to the stage, it is a very special moment for each of us, we are congratulated in front of our peers. We each have our special moment and presented with our graduation certificate, and photos taken. The whole crowd is moved by enthusiasm and elation for each one of us. We made it.

My name is called. I push my chair back and place my napkin on the table. I can hear my pulse in my head, its actually louder than the lilac cloud at this point.

God, I hope no one else can hear it. I walk through the noise and cheering of my fellow classmates, the long walk to the front of the room. It's my turn.

"We would like to present you Anna with your graduation certificate, congratulations. I smile and shake the hand of the school headmaster and try to quieten my noisy dress and head pulse. He looks to me and quietly says so only I can hear. "I would like to talk with you are the certificates are handed out please, just wait over to the side". He smiles and calls the next student.

I don't move initially; I am frozen in place. My mind stops. My pulse hasn't but my mind has. The staff look at me, and I snap out of it and move off the stage. What has happened, I am thinking to myself, I must have failed, and he is only doing this so I don't look dumb in front of the whole of year 12. I'm sweaty again, my lilac cloud sticking to my legs. I'm going over everything of the last year, where have I failed, what did I do. The pressure has returned, I am feeling nervousness in my stomach and head.

I missed the last of the presentations, I was too preoccupied, standing alone in the corner. Just me. No one else was asked to stand over here. Just me. Is it too late to leave? I could slip out now and no one would know, franticly I consider my routes to leave.

"Ok now', the headmaster is walking over to me with the deputy following along behind. They are making their way toward me

Everything in me turns cold. The dress is no longer sticking to me.

The headmaster is in front of me now with the deputy too. His face a nice happy smile. He folds his hands in front of his waist.

"Anna, I wanted to have this conversation with you now, this information came today, and it's important", he says still smiling.

A whole lifetime rushes through my mind, and impossibly I feel colder.

"Oh" I say barely a whisper. I look to the Deputy to try and read what is going on. It is now that I wish I had those bloody frills on this dress so I could hide my wringing hands in them.

"Your exam results were outstanding, we have not had a student perform as well you have at this school for a very long time, your dedication and hard work has truly paid off and you have excelled. As you know we work closely with some Universities, and well I have had some interest in you and your work. Your final exam results were just the icing on the cake really. I have had 2 universities that want to speak with you, they are wanting to offer you scholarships to further your education in the fields they offer of course. But I think you will be a perfect candidate for either of them based on the curriculum you have chosen".

And just like that the world stood still. Words blended into words, and I didn't answer. I just stood there fidgeting in my noisy lilac cloud.

"Anna, I know this is a lot for you to take in right now. I know you have had a lot to contend with in your young years, and I wanted you to have this information tonight, it will be a night that you will never forget". He continues to smile. "Your life will look very different from now on. You can pick what University you want to attend and really, with your scores you can do whatever you want to do. You worked hard for his, I am so very proud of you" he is still smiling

"So go now and enjoy your night with your friends and we can talk at school about your next steps" he holds out his hand to shake my hand.

I am in shock, and robot like hold out my hand, my face expressionless. He shakes my hand, laughs, and moves on to have a conversation with one of the other teachers.

Whaaaattttt!!!!!! My head is shouting. What just happened?! This conversation that lasted 20 seconds, has just completely changed the course of my life. It took 20 seconds for my life to never be the same. I have Universities wanting me! I have opportunities that I have only dreamed about! I am being offered scholarships! I can finally do what I wanted to do, take care of my Mum and I, and a scholarship can help me do that. My mind is cartwheeling.

I don't move from this very spot for a few minutes, I watch the lights fade and the music start.

My friends are starting to move about and mingle with each other. In this very moment I am happy. Happy and proud of myself, I did it. I made it. I look out at all the happy faces, the dancing the laughing the chatting, the selfies the insta posts, the snapchat posts. The last moments of us enjoying everything it is to be a grade 12 graduate. We deserve this, these times with each other.

I look down at my lilac noisy cloud dress. Smoothing the wrinkles I just made in my nervousness. What a beautiful dress. It's so ugly I laugh to myself. But this dress I will cherish forever, this dress literally changed my life. I walk towards my friends who are motioning to me to join them in amongst the colour and noise, I stand tall, happy, and proud of me - me in my noisy lilac cloud.