help me.

Friday 9:04 pm

I'm not supposed to be feeling like this. There are so many reasons why I shouldn't be crying in the back of the car. My sad playlist on repeat is playing through my playlists as I gaze out at the blurry lights. But yet here I am. Hoping that no one asks me what's wrong because what can I say that doesn’t make me seem like I'm overreacting? Or I'm being too sensitive because that's what's happening.

Besides, I suppose my parents would say it's my fault for putting myself in this situation and the general public would just be confused by my situation. It's not like it’s typical to say I'm missing my boyfriend because he’s hanging out with his boyfriend. And I'm biting my lip to stop from crying even more because I know that if a train was going to kill us both and he could only save one of us that it wouldn’t be me.

Why am I crying about this now? It's just easy to forget he has a boyfriend when his bf lives in a different city and don’t see each other for months. It's easy for me to think I'm number one at school or when we spend weekends together. And then they go off to the beach together and I have to stop myself from texting him because I know he won't respond because he’s cuddling with his boyfriend. 

It's hard not to overthink. When he’s with me does he wish that I was Nat? Does he think about me when he’s with Nat? Does he wish I was there? Does he care that I'm five minutes away looking at my phone hoping that he asks me to hang out and every text I get that’s not from him makes me lose hope?

I guess that's what you get when you date someone who's already dating someone else. You just gotta accept that they’ve been dating for years longer than you have and you're gonna be number two even though they’re your number one no matter what and you would sacrifice everything for them.

Just take a deep breath and wipe your eyes. You're just being sensitive and jealous. Just because you're not their number one doesn't mean you're not important to them, it doesn't mean they don't care. It just means they don't care as much as you do.

But what's new.

It's fine that you've never been anyone's number one. It's fine…

It's not new. I mean maybe someday I'll find someone who cares as much as I do. But that's unlikely. I always care too much.

And it always ends up hurting me

This is no different I suppose. It's just a different kind of pain but I can deal with pain. You pretend it doesn’t exist. You pretend it doesn’t hurt you and you pretend you’re fine. And the number one rule of overreacting is you keep your fucking mouth shut. No one wants to hear you piss and moan.

Especially about things you can change and they can't change. It's not like he’s gonna go break up with his boyfriend and obviously, I don't want that. Wishing for that would make me a terrible person. I am new, I learn my place and I keep my mouth shut. They're still gonna date, snuggle, and text and I'm just going to smile. I'm still going to be number two again. I'm just going to smile. Because that's how it works.

And that's how it's going to continue to work.

Sunday 12:37 am.

It's hard to sleep when you're crying. Did you know that? It's hard to sleep when you want to punch something kick someone and feel like someone's tearing you apart from the inside out.

It's very hard to sleep.

I thought about it again. I thought about it too much. I was doing good. But how am I supposed to be good when you keep texting me about how much fun you're having? In all caps about all the fun things you're doing and about how you're so happy. Like bb I'm happy for you. But do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Texting your girlfriend about how much you have with your boyfriend?

And I'm just being sensitive and I should be happy for you. 

I just wish you had invited me. My mom sai I could go. I was just waiting for you to text me. But you never did. And that's fine. You didn't want me there. I get that. But you didn't have to go and rub it in my face because that stings just a little bit.

And now I'm crying some more and holy shit I don't think ive ever cried this much for this long. I don't think anything has ever hurt me as much as this.

Because I don't know how to get out of this. I got myself into this. I just keep imagining you with Nat, him playing with your hair, putting his arms around you, and making you happy. All the things I do to you. I guess I'm not special I'm just your stand-in girlfriend I suppose when you can't have him you'll have me. When your with me do you wish I was him? Imagine it's him instead of me?

And then I think about you cuddling him, holding his hand, hugging him. And I think why the fuck did I ever let you touch me? I don't want you to ever touch me. Because when your hands are on my body it's hard to push down the fact that they had just been on his.

I just want to scream and throw things. Cause I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I want.

I don't want you to break up with him. i'm not jealous of him and to wish that would be horrible. And I don't know if I can do this. It hurts so bad. If I let you go maybe it will stop hurting me.

That's what Jess is telling me to do. I need to find someone who will care about me as much as I do about them who doesn't choose someone else over me. But how am I supposed to do that? If I break up with you I'll have nothing. At least now I'm your number two. If I let you go. I'll be nothing.

And I love you. I can't do that. It will hurt me more.

Probably.

I guess I either suck it up. Or I leave. I can't ask you to leave him. I don't want you to leave him, you love him, and making you choose is such a shitty thing. And pointless because you would just choose him.

It just hurts.

And how the hell am I supposed to get out of this?