Close to the Fire

  Walking onto the fairgrounds from the parking lot there was a sudden heat that came over me. Almost like opening an oven door too quickly and crouching down to look in. Your face just gets singed by the hot air. That’s what it was like speeding down from the entryway of the music venue. Pushing, sliding, maneuvering our bodies through the patrons that were watching the show from the spacious lawn. We were making our way quickly to the pit where our general admission tickets would gain us access. I was in the back of the group. And I was also the shortest of us all. My friends were close to six feet tall and had no problem bypassing everyone else standing, dancing and waiting for the artists they paid the same amount to see come on stage. And for shorter folks like me, a stage is irrelevant. Us shorties won’t even be able to see the stage from the pit.

My request was for us to get tickets in the seated section. It would have benefited all of us. Plenty of room to stand or sit. No one pressing their bodies up against you. Crawling over you. Basically doing any kind of movement other than respecting anyone’s personal boundaries. At any rate, my dear pals were not for that idea.

“No way! They’ll look like ants to us from there!”

“Yeah, I wanna see the sweat dripping down their face.”

“I mean, honestly, it’s not even a show if you aren’t getting elbowed in the head by a stranger!”

I was out voted. And at this very moment, we were descending into what felt like hellfire. The gaps between people began to close and everyone was standing shoulder to shoulder. Pushing our way through to the front like the egocentric, prick frat boys that plow through everyone. Even the short, petite girls, spilling beer on them, just to get a closer look at the acts that live off their money. As it got tougher and tougher to wade through the crowd, we became stuck dead center. The people were packed in tight and the ones who had been standing there, holding their place for hours now, were not budging. A couple of my friends tried to suede them into stepping to the side. To give us just enough room to slither past them. In a sense, cutting in front of them. Even though we all would still have the same view. They were not for it.

I grabbed onto my friend Leila for support. The heat and constant noise was getting to me. I had taken a mood stabilizer before we had even arrived, but the amount of people surrounding me was surely canceling that out. Breathing became something I didn’t look forward to. With that amount of people, squished together in the heat, with sweat dripping and hotter air coming from mouths chanting lyrics, inhaling tasted like everything. Not in the good way. Someone had lit a cigarette causing its fumes to overwhelm those around them. People began coughing and yelling at the person to put it out. It started out as a request which very quickly turned into demands from the mob. Then, shoving ensued. My friends in the front were pushed even further up into the crowd. Something they quite literally were asking for. It left Leila and myself on our own as we held each other tight while trying to hold our ground as not to get knocked over. There were a couple of kids who fell on us; we helped them back up. A really tall, barrel chested man wearing a black short sleeved T-shirt with the word “SECURITY” in bold white letters charged through our spot in the crowd trying to get to the front as well. Once he got through, three more men of the same stature and uniform followed behind him. The force pushed Leila and I apart. I screamed for her. She was trying to climb her way back over to me with the most frustrated look.

“Leila! Here, I got you.” I reached over and grabbed her hand, pulling as hard as I could. She was wedged between two people who refused to move anymore.

“Hey, Cam, I wanna go meet the others at the front.”

“What? You wanna go further into this?” I yelled back.

“There’s just too much going on right here. We need to keep moving!”

“No, no way I’m going up there. Its packed! Everyone is shoving. I can’t stay in here!”

I felt a shiver, only it went from the core of my body up to my brain. The thick air was being forced into my nose and mouth, but I had no way of filtering out the smells and condensation. My head began to pound with every bang from the drums and riff of guitars. The music began to muffle and stomach acid built up in my throat. I was going to vomit if I stayed in that crowd another minute.

“Well, I wanna be in the front. But, I feel bad. I don’t wanna leave you.” She kept trying to wiggle her way towards me.

“Okay, then, just go. I’m out of here.”

“No, you can’t leave! C’mon, I’ll take your hand and pull you behind me.”

“No! I said, I can’t. You go on. Have fun.” I released my grip on her and she stared back at me with confusion. She turned up her overly penciled eyebrow, shrugged her shoulders, and gave a slow wave. As if to show her disappointment.

I watched her make her way through the crowd until she disappeared a few moments later. The pushing had not stopped and I had propped my back up against a teen-aged boy who had his arm rested on my shoulders. I surveyed the crowd behind me and saw there were a couple openings to squeeze through and start making my way out. Ducking down under arms that were determined to record the performance, sliding past those who allowed me and shoving those who did not. I came upon a man with his arm around a girl wearing a bra and a jean skirt, who was jumping and screaming for the band. I asked if I could go past them. He looked at me for a moment, gave a smirk and then stepped to the side, pushing his girl over as well. As I stepped past, he swung his free arm and his hand grabbed my behind quickly yet firmly. I gasped and stopped in my tracks. I turned around and saw his smirk glide into a smile and then a wink. I scrunched up my face and, without thinking, clinched my fist and swung it to meet the side of his jaw. He fell backwards a bit, making the people in front of him do the same and so on. The people standing around us had stopped as well and all eyes were on me. My heart was pumping even faster than it had been, and I felt the color leave my face as they all just stared. The man had recovered his footing and hurled an insult and cursed me. My eyes widened and for a moment I felt terror. Quickly rushing in, a woman in one of the black security shirts stepped out from the crowd into the circle that had formed, blocking the man from coming towards me.

“Hold up! That’s not going down here. You turn around and leave her alone or I’m bootin’ your ass out of here, tough guy!”

She was shining a flashlight at his face the whole time. The man covered his eyes, cursed again and moved further up into the pit, pulling his girl behind him. The woman turned to face me and put her hand on my shoulder.

“Are you alright? I’ve been watchin’ you trying to get around. You need help?”

“No.” I answered quickly. “I mean...I’m just trying to get out of this! I can’t even breathe!”

“Come on. Take my hand.” The woman jerked my arm, signaling to follow her.

She very speedily pushed through the people with me in tow.

The air felt lighter and the temperature was cooler the further back I ventured. The white dots in my vision were starting to fade and my stomach made its way back down slowly to its rightful place. God, am I glad she showed up.

She suddenly pulled harder and spun me out to her side as we bucked past the last person in the crowd. We were now by the stairs leading from the pit back to the lawn area. I took in some deep, long breaths and even leaned over at the waist to try and calm myself.

“Is it a panic attack?” She leaned down and asked.

“Well, I don’t know really...I just...I just don’t like crowds, I guess.”

“Oh my word.” She straightened her back and put her hand on her hip. “What’re you doing in the pit then? There’s lots of room over in the seats or on the grass.”

“Yes, I know.” I stood finally and sighed. “My friends...they wanted to be up front. It’s our favorite band headlining. And, well...we were late because of me. I was kind of chickening out. I felt bad, so I agreed to keep the peace.”

“Well…” She came even closer to me and spoke directly to my ear. “What’s the use in keeping their peace while you don’t have yours?”

I jerked my head to look at her and she was smiling. She put her arm around me and rubbed my back as I stood there, blank in the face. I had not thought about telling my friends that although it would be nice to see the band up close, it would also cause me harm to do it that way. My eyes weld up with water and a few tears fell before I caught them with my fingers. I used both hands to smear them to each side of my face.

“What’s your name, Sweetie?” She lead me over to the side bar and asked one of her coworkers for water.

“Cam.” I said, watching them pass the water bottle around.

“Okay, Cam.” She handed the bottle to me and to twisted off he cap and downed the water as she spoke. “The closers are coming on in just a few minutes. If we run, we can make it to the most perfect spot to watch them play.”

“We can? But...I have a gener-”

“I’m your ticket.” She interrupted and smiled big. Something about her felt safe. My body had whined down to a resting state. And I would have done anything to not go back into that pit. I gave her a wide smile back, then she grabbed my hand and jerked me once again as we ran up the stairs.

We ran, jogged and shuffled for several minutes, bypassing fans. Hearing them scream and burst with excitement seeing the closing act take the stage. Booming guitar riffs and pyrotechnics started it off. But we kept going. We were on the other side of the pit now, opposite of the raging, erratic movement of the mob with steel barriers separating us. We inched closer and closer to the stage. I was running out of breath once more and my legs were on fire. Every time I slowed down, the security woman tugged me more and made me match her speed again. We approached a tent with tables carrying bins and metal detector wands. There were several other security guards there, clapping, yelling and carrying on as the show commenced. One guy turned around as he saw us coming, and called out to the woman.

“Is she going through? You’ll need to pat her down.” He said, picking up a wand.

“Chill out. She’s just here to get the best spot in the venue. Found her out in the hoard and wanted her to get a real view.” She laughed and patted me firmly on the back.

I looked at her puzzled as all I could see was the side of the stage. No band, no instruments, just the long side of the raised platform that was holding up the stage. I sighed. It seemed as though no matter the lengths and hoops I jumped through, I wouldn’t be able to actually see the band I had looked up to since my awkward teenage years. The woman saw my defeat and chuckled.

“Just go up there.” She pointed behind me to a grassy hill with much incline but completely unconquered.

I thanked her then ran up the hill to the top and turn around. The security tent wasn’t far away but the elevation eluded to it being at a further distance. The stage, however, was equal to my level now. I could see the drummer hammering away at his set. The drumsticks moving fast enough to not even look like they were there. The guitarist and bassist were playing staring directly at each other. Moving their fingers effortlessly against the strings of their guitars, smiling at each other. And the lead singer was at the very tip of center stage. Her bejeweled microphone gleaming, catching every light. Leaning over just above the barricade ever slightly, teasing the concert goers for a touch. She was wailing out the words to one of their more popular songs. The crowd moved continuously, arms were extended, heads were moving up and down. I tried to spot my friends to see how far in front they were able to get, but no luck. Focusing my gaze on just the stage members, my soul had finally caught up with the music. There was a tingling inside me that made me want to move, so I started moving. Swaying back and forth at first, slowly picking up my pace. Swaying turned into sashaying. And I had finally grasped the rhythm.

A song change came, and I froze. My favorite song. The beat came in and the lovely lead began her serenade. This was the song that brought me out of dark times. In times where I thought feelings like what I was experiencing didn’t exist. A happy, full, fated kind of feeling. I removed my flip flops and kicked them to the side. I could feel the cool grass hugging my feet, squishing beneath them. It was soft yet sturdy. Acting as my own stage, the hill was wide and I had not one person in my way. They were all below me. Then I heard the lead sing out:

“No, you don’t need a burning fire

Just a spark, its true

Keep your hope alive in all you do”

The words had awakened something in me. I felt my own fire ignite. I took a deep long breath. I knew what was coming next in the song. The breakdown. Where all the instruments come together and hurl out sound waves. It flowed over me like water and I could feel the music notes on my skin. I reached both hands down to grab the ends of the rose embroidered shawl I was wearing draped across my shoulders. I held it firmly in my hands and lifted my arms slightly up to my side. Once the beat dropped, I began twirling in a circle. Myself and the shawl spinning gracefully. A couple of full spins and then I paused and continued to spin in the other direction. Letting my body be as free and unwound as possible. The shawl blew in the wind, giving it a wing like appearance. I heard the lead singer belt out a high note and I began to cry. I could feel the tears streaming down, as I spun, twirled my arms, and shuffled my feet around. I could feel my emotions pouring from inside me through my eyes; through my movements. I yelled out the lyrics along with her. I could hear the security woman’s voice and a couple others cheering. Whether it was for me or the band, I would never know. The song was coming to an end, but I could not stop my body. I ran from one far side of the hill to the other, never stopping the movement of my shawl. One last vibrato from the lead. The bang of the speakers slowed, and symbols hissed to a close. The crowd filled up with screams, chants, praises and clapping. I jumped up and down clapping myself before I plopped to the ground. I laid back on the grass, catching my breath and looking up at the sky. It was clear and peaceful. The noise from the crowd started fading and I felt closer to the universe now more than ever. It all felt too real to actually be happening. I felt a calm that I hadn’t before finding myself at the show. It was an ignitor, fueling the fire that would hold my hope firm. That moment was made to happen.