Brave and Broken

“Should I do this?” I asked myself before entering the school on January 3rd, the first day after winter break. I looked at the people around me, all heading in like it was the worst place to be, for me it was quite the opposite, and I was either about to ruin it or make it so much better. I saw my friend as soon as I entered the building and forgot my hesitation immediately, “Yes.” I confirmed to myself.

“Hey Addi!” They yelled at me. I smiled, it’s time. I thought to myself. “Hi.. There’s something I need to tell you.” Time to be brave, be myself. 

“What is it?” They asked me. 

“So.. I go by Lunar now, since I’m genderfluid, that’s what I’m comfortable with.” I told them, pinching myself, hoping for a good answer. 

There was a moment of silence, “Of course, if that’s what you want, Lunar, what a pretty name.” They said. 

As soon as I heard that I softened, smiled, and almost cried, Maybe this will turn out alright. I thought. 

“Come on, let’s go get breakfast,” I said. Before we were off to the auditeria to eat. 

    … 

After we finished eating we walked to the choir room, it’s not my first period but I check in with that teacher everyday for some motivation for my days. When we got in there she was sitting at the piano watching the high school class start to arrive. 

“Hello!” I waved, smiling, hopeful this would go well. 

“Hey! How’s it going Addi?” She asked me. 

“It’s going good, the break was long and I’m happy to be back at school, I can never stay at home for too long without a struggle.., but there’s something I need to tell you.” 

She looked at me, completely ready for anything it seemed, “Tell me anything.” She replied. 

I took a deep breath, Now or never. “So.., I’ve been thinking a lot recently, and I’ve found out that I’m genderfluid, in being that I had a name change, not legally but it’s something to keep me more comfortable at school, and I would like to go by Lunar now.” 

“Okay! Just let me know if anything changes, what are your pronouns today?” She answered immediately. 

I again, was beaming at the acceptance, I never thought I would get this good of a response right away. “I., Uh, I got by He/they today.” 

“Wonderful,” She responded. “Well, you better go, there’s no need to be late.”

“Oh, right, Bye!” I yelled out waving as my friend and I left the room. 

“Bye!” She waved back. And soon I was ready to face the day, I felt unstoppable. 

      … 

I decided not to tell most of my teachers that day, I wasn’t ready yet, I did explain it to all of my friends though, who were supportive and started calling me by it. Soon the word had spread through most of the school and everyone in my grade knew about my name- and everyone was calling me by it! That day I was so happy I could cry, and the next day I figured I’d let more teachers know instead of just people my age. 

      …

The morning of the second day I checked in with the choir director and went through most of the day as if nobody knew about it all, then right after lunch I had a writers club meeting, and decided to tell everyone in the writers club, including the guidance counselor who runs the meetings. 

I had written a poem before everything and read it out to them as my “coming out” to them. I got an overwhelmingly positive response and started to tear up. The whole time I was reading it, I had my best friend Bear right beside me. They had known for a while, and I held onto their arm, and as I got nervous I squeezed it, and they’d give my a look a reassurance. If it weren’t for them I would’ve had a much harder time doing that. 

I was having such a good time with everything I thought nothing could bring me down, man was I wrong. 

        …

Monday February 8th

 School went like any other day that day, everything was lots of fun, I had been brave and it had all payed off, I was safe and comfortable at school. After school I had theater practice, and after that there was a bake sale for Writer’s club. I had an amazing time at theater and my day was going great, I got to the bake sale and felt on top of the world. 

The game was in third quarter when I got a text from my mom saying she was coming to pick me up. I got worried, but texted back “Okay.” I had a very prominent feeling something bad was about to happen, I had been too brave, too out there, too lucky. Life never was this easy. Nor will it ever be. 

Soon my mom arrived, too soon I think, but then again I would’ve done anything to make that day just go away.

I walked outside and my mom had pulled up right outside the door, she was waiting in the car alone, and every muscle in my body tensed as I approached it. “Why can’t things just go good for more than 3 days?” I remembering saying before opening the door. 

When I sat down, I felt her eyes burning my skin. Looking up, she was blazing furious with me, I knew she had found out almost immediately. I was silent, and waited, I knew what was about to happen. So I pinched my arm, bit my lip and just sat there. 

When someone starts talking, I always feel obligated to listen, I cannot brush someones words out of my head like dust on a table. So I listened to my mother talk and lecture me the whole ride home, knowing half of what she said wasn’t correct, she didn’t know what she was talking about when it came to this, and yet, she still made me feel guilty for being who I am, and I still constantly think back to that lecture, how stupid I am to ever think I could get away with something like that.

Only very few words have stung me as bad as they did that night, I can still remember quite clearly many things she said. The most painful being, “Do you know how selfish it is to do something like that? Do you know how selfish it is to just blatantly decide that you don’t want to be a girl anymore? That, ‘oh I’m a boy, call me Lunar.’ Well that’s not how the world works, that’s not how any of this works! You are 13, not 18 like some of your stupid friends. You don’t know anything, and you shouldn’t make a decision like that, do you know how angry your father is!? I’m very good at taking things like these, but he’s not, he’s absolutely fuming, so you need to shut up with this stupid fake idea of yours and forget about the whole thing!” 

The whole time she spoke, I kept my mouth shut, I silently nodded along, I listened, reminding myself each dreadful second, “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.” 

We got home and I was told to do my chores, before doing them I went to the bottom of the stairs so I could take my bags to my room, and at the top of the stair case, I saw my dad, he looked out his door, I opened my mouth to say “Hi,” and he slammed it behind him. I walked up the stairs in silence, my eyes closed shut, biting my lip, pinching myself, doing absolutely anything possible to not cry, because I wasn’t allowed to. That’s what I told myself.

Soon after setting my stuff on my bed, I started humming, still trying to keep it down, I remembered I had chores to do. So I went downstairs to do the dishes. I started doing them, but at that point I was lost in my head, thinking everything over, again and again. “What would I tell people at school? Nothing? What about my friends? Should they know? What about..-?” I was stopped when the thought of crying came up again. I put down the dish I was holding dried my hands and took a second, I continued humming again, it was s warm up song for choir that I had memorized. I went back to work. 

“Danger men at work, Danger men at work, Danger men at work danger men at work danger men. At work danger men, at work danger men, at work danger men at work danger men at work dan-, ger men at work dan-, ger men at work dan-, ger men at work danger men at, work danger men at, work danger men at, work danger men at work danger men at work.” 

Repeatedly in my head, a song that I didn’t stop singing for the next hour, trying to keep my emotions down as much as possible. That day I only let three tears leave my eyes, all wiped away immediately, for I cannot cry around people. 

That night I went to bed, it was almost as if nothing had happened, the only difference was my dad didn’t leave his room. My mother said goodnight to my siblings giving them hugs and tucking them in, and then she looked across the room, and hissed a “Goodnight.” Before turning off the light and slamming the door shut.

I stayed up for hours that night, at first I was only waiting for my sister to fall asleep, since we share the same room, and I don’t cry in front of people. Especially not her, she’d just tell me to shut up and stop, which I knew wouldn’t help at all. 

After she fell asleep, I layed there, I stared at the ceiling thoughts circling in my head, “I’m so stupid.” I said aloud once or twice. It was dead silent that night. It was winter and after midnight, the room was cold, bitter and pitch black. Not even my sister made noise, I felt so alone in those moments. The curtains closed so not even the moonlight could shine in, my usually comfort seemed it wouldn’t be tonight. “What’s going to happen when my dad finally confronts me?” I asked, to my stuffed animal, propped up beside me, my only buddy, which was certainly not even listening. “Ha. I’m going insane. I should probably sleep shouldn’t I?” Silence. “Yea, you should.” I heard a voice. I had gotten so lost in my head that I forgot about the person I had on a zoom call with me. “How long have I been sitting in silence?” I asked. 

“Not too long, I got distracted anyway, Why?” They asked. 

I chuckled, “No reason. Thanks for waking me from my daze.”

“You’re welcome?” I got as a response, “I hope everything goes okay for you tomorrow. I’m quite worried about all of this.” 

“I know, I am too, but I should hopefully be alright. Hopefully.” I was trying to tell myself everything would be alright, more to myself than to him. 

“I hope so too, but it’s getting really late for you, it’s like 1 am for you right? You have school in 5 hours, and you can’t stay up forever, you know that.” they told me. 

“Yea I probably should, I’m sorry about all of this.., Goodnight.” I whispered, for I truly was exhausted. 

 “It’s alright, none of it is your fault, Goodnight.” He responded. 

        …

Wednesday February 15th 2022. 

Morning

The past week has passed, my dad has barely talked to me, I spent the weekend at my grandma’s to stay away for a while as well. He’s still furious and I can tell. Hopefully today’s a good day, I’ll get some motivation from the choir director then I’ll do the Spelling Bee this morning, It’ll be okay.

After school. 

This can always get worse. Always. Why do I let myself have hope anymore? This morning, we had the Spelling Bee, and in the Spelling Bee I introduced myself as Lunar Naveau. And guess who was in the audience taking pictures? My grandmother. She heard me, and after I said it I saw her, her face in a confused stare, with a frown of disapproval in it. I could’ve died on spot, I would’ve, but I remember I have some people to hold on for, “not yet.” I tell myself. 

I spent the whole day worried about it, and immediately after I had a small fall out with a teacher who no longer continues to call me by Lunar because of my parents. Also, people at school are mocking me and treating it like a joke even when it’s not. It’s most certainly not and it just hurts me. 

          … 

Friday March 4th 2022

Everythings going the exact same as it always has. Nobody respects me. Some kids in band like to mock me and my name. Someone else who is in my 3rd and 5th period yells my deadname at me, and has gone as far as to argue with a teacher over my name. People aren’t happy, and you know, I’ll be fine, but it’s just disrespectful. Tonight though, I have to go to my grandma’s, the one who watched me on stage say my name as Lunar Naveau, she isn’t happy and I’m quite afraid, but I don’t have a choice since my parents are away tonight. My days have come to an end. Goodbye.