Lost and Found (and Notarized)

I’ve always wanted to be a nun. Growing up Catholic, I admired everything about them. I’d sit in Sunday school and dream of spending my evenings drinking tea and reading Bible passages. I imagined them meeting on sunny mornings and taking slow walks through gardens, pointing out the different hues of yellow and purple in God’s flower creations. Watching the birds, feeding them tiny seeds, and marveling at their ability to fly and sing so beautifully. I longed for their simple modest clothing, habits hiding their hair. Did they have gray hair? Long flowing locks? What lay beneath was always an exciting mystery to my younger self. 

One year at Halloween, I decided to be a nun. My mother took me to the costume store, but the only options were aimed at teen/young adult women looking to portray a “naughty nun”. You probably can’t even picture that right now as you read this. Well, hike the dress up to the top of the thigh, drop it on top to just barely cover the breasts, and there you have it. Oh, and you know the meat at the supermarket that’s sucked airtight in the packaging? That’s the Naughty Nun dress. 

Distraught, I settled for a pilgrim costume instead. It was a long black dress that covered everything, and had a lovely apron as well. I wondered if they made Naughty Pilgrim costumes in the “naughty” line of women’s costumes? Not sure the market for that one. But I vowed that one day, I’d be a real nun. 

Fast forward to college. My dream of becoming a nun was temporarily replaced with a dream of teaching. I tried that, but it wasn’t as glamorous as I thought it would be. Then young adulthood. Then a marriage and several children came along. Life became busy. Dreams piled on dreams. Though, I never quite lost the desire to be nunnified. The voice of Juliet’s Nurse rang often through my mind: “Get thee to a nunnery!”

So then, how does one make that shift in life? Not knowing where to start, I figured my best bet would be to ask my Alexa. She knew everything, from recipes to math problems to how many types of beetles lived in the rainforest. Unfortunately, she told me she can’t help me with becoming a nun. I wondered if she’s really a sentient being, one who can become jealous of my life pursuits since she can only ever be a source of information sitting on my kitchen counter. 

My next idea was to try the internet. I searched “how to become a nun after marriage and kids” and several hits came up. An AI generated response actually seemed to have the best information. To backtrack to nunhood, I’d need to regain my religion and virginity. I would just have to follow several simple steps. 

Hmm, finding God again seemed doable, but regaining my lost virginity? That could prove more difficult. But the internet is rarely wrong, so I continued my quest for my lost virginity. 

After several searches, I was relieved to discover I would not have to disown my children. The only thing I’d have to do is contact the local courthouse and remove their father from the official documents and replace him with Stork. You see, it was the Stork who brought my children. It didn’t specify if I needed to include a postscript saying they hatched from the Stork’s eggs or were delivered live, so I just let that go. I was well on my way to regaining virgin status! How I began longing to be a virgin again, to be able to fulfill my dream of nun life! 

Next, I’d have to untie the knot. The marriage knot. It’s not so much a divorce, per se, as an “unmarrying.” It’s fine for a nun to be unmarried. I believe there’s even a box to check on the nun application that says “unmarried.” I mean, I’ll have to investigate that one a bit more, but I’m pretty positive it’s there. I emailed the person in charge of marriage licenses, and requested an unmarrying service. I would imagine it’s a simple rescinding of vows formerly taken, maybe a little blurb in the local paper announcing the “nevermind” of holy matrimony. I’d know in 7-10 business days. 

And now the final step: having a notary sign and date a document I can purchase from Document Hub Unlimited for a mere $150 plus processing fees! I searched for “Certificate of Virginity”, typed in my personal information (I almost forgot to use my unmarried name!), and then printed away a lifetime of promiscuity! It was all falling into place. I said a little prayer, and examined my certificate. I wondered if it needed to be framed and hung on the wall in my ….office? Is that where a nun worked? Like the way doctors and lawyers display their diplomas on the wall? Looks like I needed to add a trip to the craft store to find a nice frame for my lost-now-found-virginity certificate. Made sense though, in case any doubting Thomas types trolled me. 

“Wait, Sister Immaculata, don’t you have several children? How can you be a nun?” they would undoubtedly say. 

“Pish posh, my friend. Have you not taken note of my Certificate of Virginity that is proudly displayed upon my wall?” I’d reply, ever so patient. Very nun-like. 

“Oh, bread and wine! I’m so sorry, Sister!” they’d say, groveling in embarrassment. 

“It is well. Simply say 15 Hail Marys and God will call it even. Judge not, um, lest the jury find you guilty and sentence you with prayer,” I’d say. 

And that, as they say, was that! I found my way back to religion, to my childhood dream. It may have cost time, money, and notary fees, but I was able to recover my lost virginity for the good of all. I would make the very best nun. I would do all the nun things. (Once I looked up what those were, besides what I once imagined was a life of drinking tea and reading Bible passages.) 

They say it’s never too late to chase your dreams and to fulfill your destiny. To find what once was lost. And they are right. I’m proof of that. All it takes is a little research, perseverance, and the internet.