Content warning: Strong language
“Shut up!”
“I can’t see anything!”
“Don’t you think I know that? Just shut up. We need to be quiet. Come on, keep crawling. We’re almost there.”
“Fine. But I don’t like this. There are still people in the building. Evan said they’d all be gone by now.”
“Yeah, well, Evan’s a little bitch.”
“I can hear you, you know.”
“That’s the point. Why are there still people here?”
“Beats me. Museum closed six hours ago. By all means, they shouldn’t be.”
“Can you see them? What are they doing?”
“Let me check… Seems like there’s some kind of conference happening. They must’ve left the lights on for it. Wait. What vent are you in again?”
“Jesus Christ, Evan. Could you please read the fine print next time?”
“I’m sitting in a pedo-van two blocks away from you in the middle of the night and I’m pretty sure there’s a school near by and you expect me to have read the fine print!?”
“Stop screaming in our ears!”
“Both of you stop yelling! Alright! Thanks. I can sense that the tension is a little bit high right now, so may I suggest some breathing exercises?”
“Shut up, Joel!
“Yeah, shut up, Joel! I really need to know your location right now, though.”
“Uhm… We went right, right?”
“No, just the last turn. It was a left before that.”
“That’s what I—Never mind. I’m going to be completely honest with you and say I that I haven’t paid attention at all to where we’re going…”
“What? Come on! I cannot be the only one taking this seriously!”
“I’m sorry! It’s not my fault I get claustrophobic.”
“Okay. Okay… Okay. Got it. Look, there’s some grilles up ahead. We can see what room we’re above.”
“Good idea.”
“See, Grace? That’s why we put you in charge.”
“I put me in charge… Okay, I’m here… Oh. Oh, shit.”
“What is it?”
“Shh!”
“Did you… Did you just shush me?”
“I think she just shushed you, man.”
“Shh! I mean it. Keep your voice down. We’re right above the conference. Just listen.”
“…I would like to thank Mr. Bridges for being such a gracious host this evening, and without whom none of this would have been possible. But here we are, with fifty thousand dollars ready to be donated to help less fortunate children connect with the arts…”
“Sounds like they’re doing some real good in there.”
“This is exactly what I was afraid of.”
“You were afraid of raising money for charity?”
“No—No. The vents, Joel. My schematic says you two are supposed to transfer vents in this room. I was asking which one you were in because I thought I could reroute you, but that’s too late now.”
“Great. Just great. So, what do we do now?”
“I don’t know, boss. Going back will make too much noise and going forward is gonna lead you to a drop-off, which would’ve been fine if the conference room wasn’t filled with a bunch rich people.”
“Then we wait…”
“Okay… And exactly how long are we supposed to wait? I’m feeling very cramped here.”
“It’s already pretty late, so they shouldn’t stay there long. I’m just hoping they planned to do the clean up in the morning and not tonight. Evan, eyes?”
“Still doing speeches, Grace. Looks like donations have stopped, though. They’re just wrapping things up now, but…”
“But what?”
“There’s champagne flutes being passed around by the wait staff and people are drinking. Like, knocking them back. You’d imagine these people have better drinks at home, but apparently not.”
“They ‘shouldn’t stay there long,’ eh Grace?”
“Oh, shut up, Joel.”
“Sounds like we’ll be in here for a while, doesn’t it? How about we get comfortable. I have a pretty neat shoulder, you know. Perfect for a pretty head to rest on.”
“I can barely sit up, man. And did you really think that even if I did, I would voluntarily put my head on your shoulder?”
“Hey, your words, not mine. I just said it’s perfect for a pretty head, not yours.”
“It was implied. You’re not as subtle as you think. God, my neck is cramping.”
“You want me to massage it for you? I’m sure I could reach if I tried really, really hard.”
“Touch me and lose a hand… You know, the plan was so simple. Get in through the vents and get back out the same way. That was it. And now I’m stuck in a confined space with a guy who thinks he’s the best sample of the male species.”
“No one’s ever proven me otherwise.”
“You prove yourself wrong every single day.”
“You’re not a part of this conversation!”
“Shh! How many times do I have to tell you to be quiet? Do you want those trust fund fucks beneath us to find out we’re robbing a museum? No? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now shut up, Joel.”
“So… What are you guys planning to do with your share of the profit?”
“That’s none of your business, pedo-van man.”
“I’ll probably put it on my savings account. In instalments, of course, don’t wanna get caught. I’ll keep some of it in cash, though. Use it to buy a new car or something.”
“Oh, what kind?”
“The wife’s been gunning for a good family car, for when the little one comes along. Maybe a Honda or a Volkswagen. Haven’t decided yet.”
“Can’t go wrong with German engineering.”
“That’s what Mary keeps saying!”
“Shh!”
“Sorry. What about you, then, Evan? Any plans? Maybe a less conspicuous van?”
“You’re hilarious. But no, I’m quite content with the van, actually. No one wants to step within ten feet of this thing. No, I think I’ll get out of the country for a while. Wait ‘til things blow over. I don’t have a family to provide for like you have, thank God. No offense. I’ve always wanted to see what Japan looks like in the winter… Grace?”
“What? You see something?”
“Uh, no… Just wondering what your plan is. For after.”
“There’s no after for me…”
“Okay… That’s ominous. You’re not killing yourself after this, are you?”
“What? No. There’s no after for me because I already have another job lined up. And before you ask, no, I cannot tell you what it is. That’s classified information, something you two should be intimately familiar with.”
“No break? Come on, Grace, you’re going to burn yourself out. At least come to dinner. Mary would love to have you over.”
“I know this may come as a surprise to you, but I actually like this job. When I’m paired with a competent team, at least. Is it my dream job? God, no. But it pays well and they provide me with healthcare plus dental, albeit both doctors have had their license revoked.”
“You can get the same deal at any corporate job.”
“Well yes, but that wouldn’t be half as exciting, now would it? I would never trade the thrill of a heist for the boredom of an office job. The planning, the sneaking… I love it. I love the feeling that fills my chest after another successful job. It’s better than a family or a vacation could ever make me feel.”
“You’re not afraid of getting caught?”
“At least if I get caught it won’t be in a pedo-van parked two-hundred feet from a school.”
“Fair point—Wait…”
“You see something?”
“They’re packing up. Servants just brought in the guests’ jackets. There’s a surprising amount of fur coats.”
“That’s surprising to you?”
“They’re headed to the doors now. You should be good to go.”
“Alright. Let’s actually do this. Ready, Joel?”
“As ever.”
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