Cara

I stand and watch the passing of time. 

The night is cold, too cold for a December night, as if the Earth has frozen. And I am not properly dressed. In this black suit I haven’t worn for years, no coat which I find odd and a top hat I would surely never put on – not anymore. I do not remember putting on any piece of cloth on this frail body, do not remember leaving my bed, but here I am outside, in our rose garden.

I take a step towards the front door, using my cane which I just become aware is at my side, my steps not making any sound on the gravel – maybe it’s because the earth is really frozen although I cannot feel that it is.

 I must find my wife. Maybe she will know how and why I got out and left the comfort of our bed. My mind has me baffled, which is not odd considering that my age has at last got to me and occasionally I forget things, I do things with no knowledge why, I witter. Still I am here for a reason I do not remember, in these odd clothes and it’s too cold for me to be here.

I try the door handle and let out a sigh in relief, it’s not locked. So I get in and call for her: “Cara?”

The house is quiet, is it past midnight? Could I wake her from her sleep with my shouting? How long have I been out?

No answer comes, so I try calling again: “Cara? Darling?”

She is silent once again.

Deciding she must be indeed asleep, I climb the stairs to our bedroom. Why is it so cold even inside? I am certain we had the fire burning today. Or was that yesterday? Still the cold chills me to my bones and I hurry my step, relying on my intimacy with these stairs, these halls, to get to the bedroom. I try putting on the light, but it does nothing, so I continue walking in darkness.

“Cara?”

When I open the door, I softly call her again. She’s not asleep. The sight before me is so distressing I fear she has died and it is only her corpse lying on our bed. For she is there, and her eyes are wide open, but she does not move. She just stares, up.

I look up at the ceiling in hopes I will find the source of her distress, but there is nothing there. I go to her and touch her hand, she does not move.

“My dear what is it?” I ask her. I can hear her heart which gives me a momentary relief, at least she is alive. “Are you feeling unwell?”

I wait for her response. I kneel down, next to the bed, my hand on hers. I am once again aware of the passing of time, it’s beautiful in some way, but terrifying all the same. Instinctively I turn to the clock on the wall – half past three in the morning.

“Cara answer me please? I can’t remember why I was outside dear, I hoped you’d tell me.”

She just stares. 

It is now that I recognise the dried tears on her aged cheeks, the fresh ones near her eyes and the tremble of her lip.

“Cara what is it?”

I touch her face to brush off the tears, but that seems to make it worse. She jerks upright, sitting up, and starts rocking herself on the bed. New tears fall down her face as she lets out soft moans, cries in the palms of her wrinkled hands. I look at her in pain and she will not let me help her. I try to calm her, to tell her everything is alright, but no words come out.

I just stand here baffled. I look at the clock – four has come.

As I try to find some sense in this, that half an hour has somehow passed, she moves on the bed. She lowers her hands to grab the blankets and wraps herself up in them, still crying, still rocking herself gently, like a child. 

“Cara listen to me, whatever it is, let me help. Tell me, please!” I plead with her. Knelt down, as if I am begging her, which I actually am, “Calm down please, you’re shaking!”

Still no answer.

I wait. I cannot think of what to do as I don’t know what put her in this state. The whole night seems like a fever dream that I can’t wake up from. So I just wait.

Eventually she rests on the headboard with a pillow on her lap. She stops shaking slowly, like on a film, and cries herself to sleep. 

I lay down on the bed and take her hand in mine again. Maybe if I just hold her through the night all will be well in the morning. The cold eats at me, but I’m afraid if I reach for the blankets I’ll wake her and she looks peaceful at last, let her sleep. Let her sleep…

……

At some point, I must have fallen asleep too for when I look at the clock now it is seven. I turn to my wife, but she is not here.

“Cara?” panicking, I rise up and call her again. I become aware of the cold once more, a cold I surely haven’t experienced in a long time, if ever. Then I hear the front door open and close. Hugging myself, I go to the window and I see her walking through the garden. I open the window and call for her for the hundredth time and she still doesn’t answer.

So I grab a coat and start after her. Down the stairs, through the front door and to the street. I rush, trying to catch up with her as the sun rises above us.

“Where are you going dear?”

In her black coat, wrapped in a dark shawl, she walks forward without acknowledging me or my words.

“Cara come on? What the hell is going on?” I follow after her because it’s the only thing I can really do. “I find myself outside in the cold, then I find you hysterical, now I’m following you with no idea of where we’re actually going and YOU WON’T EVEN TALK TO ME!”

As I scream the last part, she turns around.

She turns and looks right at me, right through me. And her face, her face... Oh if I walk this earth for hundred more years it will haunt me still. 

She doesn’t answer, but turns forward once more and continues walking. I simply walk after her for I understand now that she will never answer back, her face was the last piece I needed to understand. I walk after her as we pass though the graveyard gate, I follow her in the small church. I stand beside her as she looks down upon the coffin and I know that if I look down too I will see a man, a man in a suit, with his top hat and his cane. 

I do not look down. It could be fear that stops me from doing so, but I know that it’s her. So instead I stand next to her, on the coldest day on Earth. I stand next to my wife as the church bells sound eight o’clock.

“I love you” she says to the man.

“I love you too, Cara.” I answer back.