Airplanes

"But what if the airplane falls to the ground while I'm on it," I began. "Or what if it runs out of fuel mid-air, or blows up?"

"That's not going to happen," Keara assured me.

"But what if it does," I countered.

"If it does, you can haunt me for the rest of your time on Earth."

"But I'll be dead," I protested. "And in the middle of nowhere, so there is a strong chance that I won't even be able to find you."

"Well, you'll just have to hope that you can teleport."

"If I do end up dying, how long will it take you to move on from me..." Keara looked at me for a second, confused, so I elaborated. "I mean, for you to like, forget about me. Or, I don't know, find a new best friend."

"Shelby," Keara looked at me for a second, a frown coming to her face. Every time I see Keara upset my heart melts, I hate seeing her like that.

"I'll never move on, at least not completely," she paused for a moment and I bit the inside of my cheek. "Maybe I'll find someone I like almost as much as you, but they'll never take your place."

"So, when I die, I'll still be your best friend even though I'm dead," I asked. "Because that just sounds like you're going crazy."

My heart was pounding. For some reason I felt the sudden urge to tell Keara that I was gay. I knew that I was going to die while on the plane, that was certain. It's inevitable, planes are giant boxes of metal that float in the air, and even though everyone has assured me that the plane isn't going to crash, I know it will. Since I'm going to die, I might as well tell her. I mean, I can't die with her believing that I really liked Kovu, the boy that I had gone on a date with. I told him at the end of the date that he was a good guy, but I just couldn't feel that way about him. He was oddly ok with that.

Keara thought that he was the one who decided for him and I to not go on another date. I let her believe that. I took in a deep breath and looked at my best friend while trying to find the right words. Trying to find the right way to say it.

"If I do die on the plane, I need you to know something," I began. My throat suddenly felt tight and my voice was low, barely above a whisper. Keara looked at me, and my heart was pounding. We both knew that this conversation was taking a sharp turn. Going from light-hearted humor to something serious. I bit the inside of my cheek trying to find the right words. I was still unable to find them. Eventually I knew that the only way to say it was to just say it. "I'm gay."

I've said it to about a dozen different people, but I've never been as scared as I was this time. Maybe it was because it was her, and maybe it was because I've been procrastinating on doing this for so long. Maybe, it was because I was scared that I'd lose my best friend, I never want to lose her. If I lose her, I'll lose part of myself.

Keara stared at me for a second, in shock probably. I stood up, scared, so I climbed out of her window, the way I always came in and left her apartment ready to return to my house. Ready to fly on the metal box of death.

I was ready to die because she knew. If I die, I'll never know if she accepts me, but maybe that's for the best. If I die right now, I can believe whatever I want. Maybe she'll have accepted me, maybe she wouldn't have. I'll never know for sure, but I can believe whatever I want.

***

The car made a low rumbling sound as the engine came to life. My parents and I had just put the last of our luggage into the car and were about to start our journey to the airport, or as I like to call it, the place where large flying metal boxes land. "So, I finally told her," I breathed out.

"You did?" My dad sounded surprised. "How'd she react? What did she say?" he now sounded excited.

"Nothing. She said nothing. She just...stared at me," I chewed on the inside of my cheek and added a second later. "So I left. I climbed out of her window and came home."

"Did you give her a chance to say anything, sweetie?" My mom asked. "I know Keara, and she wouldn't just leave you hanging like that."

"I did. At least, I think I gave her a chance. I felt like I was standing there for forever and she just didn't say anything, and I was scared so I left. I could tell by the way she was looking at me that she hated me."

"She could never hate you," my dad tried.

"Well, she does now," I crossed my arms and looked out the window. And I don't know how to fix it. I added inside my head. The rest of the car ride was bumpy and uncomfortable. I quietly listened the music and contemplated on what I was going to say to Keara when I got back. I decided on nothing. Because, right now nothing seems like the better option. A hundred times better than something.

The airport was packed, full of people who were ready to go to some exotic place like the Bahama's or Iceland, maybe France or England. I was heading off to Idaho to visit some relative that I've never met before. My dad assures me that I did, in fact, meet Uncle Kevin when I was six months old, but if I don't remember him I never met him.

I was about to enter the actual airport when I felt someone tap my shoulder, I assumed that it was one of my parents at first, and they were just about to redirect me to another entrance for some reason, but when I turned around I saw neither one of them.

Instead I saw the girl who had just stared at me when I told her I was gay. "What do you-" I began my voice more snarky than I had intended it to be.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for saying nothing when you told me you were, y'know..." she trailed off for a moment.

"Gay," I deadpanned.

"Yeah, that. It's just, you're Shelby, the girl that climbs into my window instead of using a door like a normal person," she smiled a bit as she said that. "You're Shelby, the girl who throws water balloons at me when it's summer and I say it's too hot. You're the girl who watches Rom-Coms with me and doesn't say anything when I make some off comment about the main guy character," she frowned a bit as she ended. "You're my best friend, and I should have known this, but I didn't. I feel like I did something wrong in our friendship, something that made it impossible to see that you liked girls not guys, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not saying anything when you told me, and I'm sorry for not realizing this sooner," she paused for a second taking in a deep breath. "Most importantly I'm sorry if I made you feel like you couldn't tell me this before."

"You are the only person in the world who will go on an endless rant like that," I laughed. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I do," she blushed a bit as she replied and I looked back at the door. My parents were waiting for me.

"I better get on the metal box of doom, now. Before the plane leaves me," I took a step back.

"I thought you didn't want to go on the plane."

"I don't, but I have to."

"Alright you can go catch your metal box of doom," Keara paused for a moment causing me to think that she was done. "As long as you promise me that you won't die."

"I promise," I walked through the glass door seconds later, my fear of airplanes slowly diminishing. I was still scared of them, they're large metal boxes that somehow float in the sky, but somehow I feel like I won't crash anymore.