For Greta...

She heard the weather man’s warning that it was going to rain, so unlike many people at the funeral, she had her black umbrella with her. Little drops were falling from the sky onto the casket that was being lowered slowly into the ground, creating an even more sorrowful atmosphere around the newly-put tomb. The name Greta Louise Jackson was written on it. It was written in the most elegant cursive font, similar to Greta’s handwriting.

She noticed that as soon as her eyes landed on the text and her heart froze for a moment. It was only a moment, but she felt it strongly and instinctively her hand clutched the spot.

It pained her that she would never see Greta’s handwriting again. It pained her that she threw away every paper she had with it, even the shopping lists and little notes she wrote. She couldn’t bare the thought that Greta was really gone.

Looking around the tomb, as much as the rain and the black umbrella allowed her, she saw Greta’s parents, her relatives and her boyfriend. People who no doubt loved her. You couldn’t know Greta and not love her or admire her. She was just that kind of a person, sweet and gentle and just jolly. She could make all the pain go away with only a smile.

Would all these people who were so kind to her behave the same if they knew that it was because of her that they lost their lovely Greta? That it was all her fault that she was in the casket now being lowered to rest forever in the dirt. And would they ever forgive her if she admitted her mistake?

The funeral went on for more than two hours. One by one they all said goodbye to Greta by throwing a single white rose each, down in the grave.

“Goodbye Greta” she whispered to the rose before she kissed it. “And please forgive me if you can.”

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She was home now. She was resting on her red couch in the living room. In the comfort of her pyjamas who were so soft, so unlike the black leather dress and gloves she was wearing before. Greta loved leather dresses, they were a big part of her closet, but she never liked them. She owned one only because of Greta.

“Oh go on! Let me see you in it” Greta insisted when she bought her the black dress.

She never imagined that she would wear the same dress to Greta’s funeral.

Wherever she went in the house, there were thing that reminded her of Greta. The clock she bought when they first moved in together, forgotten pieces of clothing she left lying on the chairs, her coffee cup that she so adored. Every small thing she did reminded her of Greta too and getting lost in all those memories, she ended up back on the couch every time. There she would cry and cry until the tears just didn’t come anymore. She would stare at the opposite wall in despair.

She didn’t know how much time she spent there when she heard the doorbell ring. Wiping the dried tears off of her cheeks, she got up and went to get the door.

“Hello Bea”

Michael, Greta’s boyfriend was standing outside. She let him in without saying a word.

“How are you feeling?” he asked once they sat down.

“As one can feel in this situation”

“Of course, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“

“You meant well Michael” Beatrice interrupted. “Are you any better?”

“Not so much”

They sat in silence, both lost in a web of thoughts.

“Ehm, some coffee?” she asked breaking the quietness.

“That’d be great, thanks. I’m here to collect Greta’s things if you’re okay with that. Umm, Martha wants to have them.”

“Of course, she does. They’re the only things she has left of her daughter” Great sadness was present in the words she said.

“And our little boy. I decided to name him Luis by the way. As Louise was his mother’s middle name.”

“Oh yes. That’s perfect.”

She put the coffee on the table, its scent taking over the whole room.

Michael thanked her.

“I haven’t moved any of her things so I can go and sort them out now if you’d like.”

“I’m not in a rush, sit down with me first. I wanted to ask you something.”

Taking the chair around the table, she sat down facing Michael. It wasn’t easy, she felt nervous to be around him, but she didn’t show it. She was always good at hiding her emotions and now was the time she had to.

“I wondered if you’d be Luis’ godmother.”

Beatrice was stunned.

“I don’t think so Michael, I’m sorry.”

“But why not? You were Greta’s closest friend and I’m sure she’d want you to be if- you know if she was alive.”

There was the pain again. She looked at him with her eyebrows and lips drawing downwards. She saw that it pained him too to say it, he was trying to keep his tears from falling, but wasn’t successful. A tear was falling down his cheek.

“I’d love to Michael, I really would, but I can’t. Not when she died because of me.”

She said it. The words were finally out.

“Of course she didn’t Bea. We all know it wasn’t your fault. You tried to save her I’m sure.”

“But you see, it was. I didn’t mean to kill her but I did.”

Tears were falling down her cheeks too. She wasn’t able to stop it now.

“What do you mean you killed her?” his voice was cracking as if it was a glass being hit by a bat.

“You know I have a problem with drugs. I promised Greta I wouldn’t take pills Michael, but I did. I took them before she went into labor. I thought I wouldn’t have any more patients and then they brought Greta in the delivery room. I tried to focus, not to harm her or the baby, but I wasn’t myself. I made a mistake and the price was a life. Greta was awake and she noticed something was wrong. I begged her to forgive me, but she kept screaming to save her baby. I didn’t know what to do, I was in shock. The nurse acted on my behalf and she listened to Greta. She saved the baby while I sat beside her, trying to explain myself…”

Michael’s face was covered in tears. It was white as a sheet and his eyes and nose were getting redder every second. Was he angry, frustrated? Disgusted by her? Was that hatred she saw in his eyes?

“Michael talk to me please. Say you forgive me.”

“Did Greta forgive you?”

“I don’t know, she didn’t talk to me. She was only concerned about the baby.”

He stormed off.

There was no point trying to go after him, she knew. She lied down on the ground and cried.

“Please forgive me Greta, please”

----------

Weeks passed since Michael’s visit. Beatrice didn’t hear from him at all. Two unknown men came for Greta’s things. She tried to reach Michael on the phone, but he didn’t answer the calls. Did he tell anyone else?

When she called Greta’s mother she didn’t answer either. Nor did her father.

She was so ashamed of everything. The guilt was growing stronger inside her, the anger too. There was no one else to blame but her and she knew it. She had to live with it every day.

She was finally sober after that. She didn’t take any pills anymore. Convinced herself it was for Greta, that it would make it better. She tried to see how her child was doing, make it up to him somehow. Make it up to Michael and her parents. But they didn’t forgive her. She knew they never would and she’d never forgive herself either, but she tried to.

If only they would try to see how much she regretted it, how much pain it caused her to be the cause of her friend’s death. All because of a stupid addiction. Greta tried to help her many times, but she always went back to the pills.

Not now though. She would never go back to the very thing that had her friend dead.

Beatrice gave up the job in the hospital. She didn’t want to be the cause of someone else’s death too. She never took another drug, ever.

She watched Luis grow up from afar in hope that Greta, if not the others would see she really suffered. She promised that she was going to be there if the boy needed her. For Greta.