Meddling with Mind's Maze

I enveloped myself as I snuggled in the sheets, my feet barely covered, completely exposed to the chilly winds from the window, my vision relaxed for a moment. But soon I shivered and tried to pull the covers over my legs. My brows creased as I felt nothing on my feet even with the amount of energy I spent on covering it, I couldn’t find the end of my blanket and that made me agitated. In a snap, I flickered my eyelids and looked beneath it, a very blank reaction as I felt the edge falling on my knees and even with the straightest strike, I can’t seem to push it any longer, it was smaller than I expected it to be.

How I fell back to my old position, trying to deal with my exposed legs and crossing them as my go-to remedy, just to generate heat within and console myself due to lack of resources.

 A moment of silence and just when I thought I found the phase of dozing off, I felt a strong breeze, this time, it peaked through the covers and was hugging my body, like an unwanted cuddle. If I was agitated before then maybe I am angry now.

I flushed my eyes open, my teeth butchering my lower lip as I looked over at the window, the slides were open, inviting the zephyr, knocking from hell. I have no power to stand and address the guests but do I have an option here, I’ll desperately say yes I do.

I moved my arms slightly up, making an inflated space between me and my lover, and then when I felt nothing beside my torso, I abruptly pulled my hands down, making a vacuum, zipping the gaps on the juncture, a success making my night. After such a long time I did something that actually made me satisfied, I could finally attain the thing I was seeking, and oh the happiness stroke me down here. With a smile crippling up on my lips, I moved my knees, taking the corners of my sheet under it and then locking it too.

If only that reached to my ankles, it would have been an igloo in my cold desert, but anyway, this is better than sleeping with nothing but dust on myself, of that dreadful and actual hell I lived in.

I closed my eyes again, thinking about nothing but darkness, and the thought of actually falling asleep, willingly, made me smile. A flow of nostalgia struck the pin down in my brain, the times when I used to sleep next to someone who meant the world to me.

I wanted this trail to end here, just pause and reset but can we lose the liabilities while enjoying the assets, for sure we can’t, and even when I wanted myself to drown in solitude, that name was echoing in my mind, calling me, preaching me like some robust god.

Involuntarily, my eyes flung open, again.

 I could see the white ceiling, as a screen for the memories I have, the memories I made. All the things that slipped between us, the nights we spent talking endlessly, the smiles she passed on my jokes, and then, as if the story has a filthy turn, the picture screening in front of my eyes skewed from the dandelion fields to the opening sequence of her betrayals ending with late-night arguments, my ruthless behavior, and her unending tears, everything turned so ugly within this frame. The zenith of toxicity was achieved that one night and the moment I knew I would have to see that too, I slapped myself, forcing my eyelids to drop themselves down, this is just a delusion....but is it really a delusion...I have never thought of the aftermath of this incident.

I want to continue but just like my impudent fear, something is stopping me, thathas their fears or maybe ego. My conscious made sure that I concluded the movie every time I reached here, with the ugliest ending one could find. I saw it again today, just like the past few nights but this time I am persistent, I don’t want to let my emotion win.

'just like the day that movie ended'...

That's what I was talking about, this is that something with the great ego, ego heavier than my burden of fear.

But today's going to be different, I am far from being feared....maybe because the chilly breeze is not going to stop any time soon and let me sleep.

I wanted to see what I did, does it only have a side with regrets and sympathy, and if it does then where was this emotion back then. 

I looked over at the window, not even reckoning about falling back asleep on this mattress.

The wind seems to heat up over time, the December chills turning into August mist. I saw the already naked tree, a navy blue tint garnishing the background, the contrast between the two increasing over time, the sky turning a bit happier and its branches weak and black.

I was so engrossed in the beauty of the sight but then my eyes fell on the window again.

I felt emotionless at first but then disgusted as my reflection on this bed was captured in my eyes, what a vulnerable body. I moved my eyes to my face and there  I saw a person in myself that wasn’t me, but, that persona, it felt like that personality knew me better than anyone else, smiling at me. I saw it, I saw the smile on the window, a very true and consoling one.

'You did it'

'This is just you...just the stronger you'

I figured out that I do have two emotions after all , all this time I was lost in my own story, accepting it wasn't my fault at all, it was just a bad dream, but it wasn't ....this movie has the whole me.

I have a different sense and the one smiling is the one who took over me that day, that smile, that enchanting exuberant eyes took the knife that day, piercing the heart of my heart. It wasn’t me after all, that person who felt the dust wasn’t me. I would have reacted in another way and I now know that it’s not important for me to accept what that smile did, I need to pass it on.

' you can't...we're same'

Just like I did when this smile did some other filthy stunts, I am indeed the best person. A person loved by many and a person who loves everybody. This man on the window, on the other hand, is the reason why I am getting this comforting bed, he in many senses is not bad either. A very considerate man, a logical and brave one. That day was an accident and it is proven so why am I even blaming it on anybody.

'finally I am in, I won't leave you'

I shifted my gaze to the ceiling again, freeing the breath I was holding for some time now,  the white ceiling turning brighter and brighter in seconds.

I felt at this moment that my longing for sleep will still have to wait, a battle yet to be fought again tonight. I loosened my grip on the sheets. A jingling sound came as I moved my body a bit too hastily. I sighed and closed my eyes again, turning my back to the window and sight away from the ceiling.

This movie isn’t that bad either, just a new perspective and it turned so much logistic, so precisely planned and fated. A smug formed on my face when I heard dainty footsteps, oh the moment of waking up. I let myself welcome the sight of the slightly spectacular lady walking into my room with a tray in her hands, passing a smile and acknowledging my awake state.

She looked over at the window, her lips falling steep and then turning down, I think her eyes focused on the cracks and holes in it ignoring the breaking of dawn outside, such a predictable lady. She looked back at me, gazing at my ankles and then my wrists. I didn’t pull my smile down for even a minute, she vigilantly checked the locks on my limbs and then went back onto her tray. This time she didn’t feel any kind of happiness, maybe the blood on my knuckles made her worry, she is a sweet lady indeed.

“Did you sleep well last night?”, I uttered, casually sitting up and letting her pierce the jab in my arm, my ogling on her movements. She hummed at first but maybe she felt the uneasy silence too, that led her to actually say a proper yes.  

She moved back and pulled out the controller from her pocket, pushing some buttons and then murmuring down the very pretentious words, so mundane that it made me a bit agitated again.

“Patient in ward 7 needs instant attention”, I showed her my dismay in a very gentle manner, nodding my head and looking at her tray again. I pursed my lips, not knowing what to say in this matter, actually, I just want them to handle it for now.

I have my head clear, why not let them try to get it clear too. She felt my gaze on hers, a timid movement of her fingers was so obvious that she felt uneasy.

She picked the tray up, already on the verge of the metallic entrance, but she turned, and that subtle hair flip made me wonder if I stand a chance here, I wish I do.

“What about you? Did you sleep well?”, maybe it was the way she said it or maybe the time she choose, whatever it was, it made me pass a heartfelt chuckle.

I slipped myself under the sheets again, heaving another sigh and smugly looking at her afterward, she was stoic as if waiting for me to say something which might excite her and I decided to let her know, how well I spent this night.

I looked over at the ceiling, warmth or maybe the blasting sun rays falling on my chest.

“The best sleep I ever had”