Clever cereal companies, and other thoughts.

Signs I am not doing well:

I notice that I am eating five, six, even seven consecutive bowls of cereal even though I, after the second or third bowl, do not want any more cereal. I think it is the crunchiness, particularly when you can get that perfect ratio to milk – not in the bowl, though yes in the bowl – but in your individual spoon bite, that I’m after. I’m not sure. I reopen the cabinets, unfold the cardboard top, uncrumple the plastic, pour, reopen fridge, open milk, pour, as if I’m chain smoking, compulsive, needless, gross. This is a bad sign.

Also, I have stopped reading the news. I have not stopped checking the news though. I scroll through the headlines for an hour or two every hour or two but I really would only like to spend ten minutes max, so I’m looking for the most important story of the day. Each one folds after the other and they all seem important and they all also seem less important than the next so I have stopped reading the news. This is a bad sign.

There are, however, reasons to remain positive. For example, last night I made my own soup. I also decided to call Jim. I was actually going to apologize, but Jim didn’t answer, which is fine, I have learned a lot in the past few weeks and one thing I have learned is that you can only control your own actions, not the actions of others. I knew this before. But now I have a handy way of thinking about it which is: worrying about Jim not answering doesn’t actually affect whether or not Jim will answer. It doesn’t even make me a better person. It’s just unpleasant. People who have undergone similar treatment as I have already know this, as do people who don’t need any treatment at all. But I repeat it nonetheless, because like the soup it is a good trick.

I think, all in all, taking three months off work is excessive. It’s actually pretty clear that they kindly recommended three months so they could record that they had done so in the incident report. This is clear to me because not one word that I said even came close to troubling Mr. Pratt. I did, however, stomp around and swear quite a bit so it’s perfectly reasonable that they had to file an incident report.

Jim was very nice when I told him. He actually had the fun idea that this forced idleness would be beneficial to my wellbeing (his words) and that I could start some neat projects like knitting or getting abs. It was very nice.

The problem, though, is that I was more idle while I was Head of Communications than I am now. Communications is great, you’ve got your normal, routine, stuff to do in the morning, which I find great, nice, easy, and then in the afternoon, something new comes up. This is great for me, because otherwise I get tired in the afternoon. I know that that does not sound idle, but I think people, including Jim, have a tendency to conflate stillness with inertia. Not so, say I, for the more I move and the more I do the less I really am.

I am not idle now. I am still. This is neither good nor bad. Plus, there is a definitive time limit on my stillness. I have three months to recover from my incident, and then I will back at it, communicating. I do not expect that treatment or soups or writing in a diary can accomplish all that much in three months. That is why I think it is excessive. Either do it right, or don’t do it at all. This is perhaps the mentality behind not reading the news, so maybe I’m wrong.

Mr. Pratt cut my bonus this year. Jim says I need to get over the money. It is not, I cannot stress this enough, it is not about the money. The problem is that he told me so in a copied and pasted email that he used to tell everyone their bonuses were cut. It is not about the money; it’s about the disrespect.

Disrespect! The choice word I hissed at Jim when he dropped off dinner last night. I don’t need meals brought to me, I can make soup. I don’t need meals brought to me, I have eaten plenty of crunchy cereal today. Jim did not deserve that, Jim is very nice.

Fucking disrespect! The choice words I hurled at Mr. Pratt in front of the entire office. I don’t need a bonus every year, I make enough money. I don’t need a bonus every year, but I do need a personalized note. Mr. Pratt did deserve that, Mr. Pratt is a jerk.

I was not allowed to read the incident report, but I hazard it was correct about a few things. I am unwell. I have been for quite a while. And I don’t think work will solve everything or Jim will solve everything or anything will solve everything, but I also think that three months is excessive.

I broke up with Jim when he told me he loved me. It made me uncomfortable, which is precisely what I told him. And Jim, kind Jim, did not mind, he said he loved me all the same. But I did mind, I was uncomfortable, so Jim and I do not meet up for lunch breaks and hold hands, we do not fall asleep together listening to house-hunting shows, we do not make eye contact when we laugh.

I think I might love Jim.

I am very busy now. I stretch, I read, I scroll through the news, I have even made soup. Moreover, I think. I think quite a lot. I’m categorizing things into bad and good, so that going forward I know what to do when I don’t have time to think.

Bad: insulting Jim, swearing at work, flipping a desk at work, throwing one’s shoes at work, yelling in general

Good: soup

I did know these things before, but that’s the problem with moving around all day, it keeps you so reactive that you can very easily forget what is good and what is bad and you end up doing the bad and not having time for the good. Now, I have time, and I am very busy with my thoughts.

I have another appointment tomorrow, and we are going to go over the lists, of bad and good, and of signs that I am not doing well. I have plenty of time so I am always very well prepared for appointments.

Signs I am not doing well:

I really cannot seem to stop eating cereal. I’m actually not sure it’s the crunchiness, I think it might be because really clever cereal companies have spread out the little blueberry flavor bursts so that you always need to get one more. That is very clever but because I have so much time I can search endlessly for the blueberry bursts, and it’s tiresome, but I do it anyway. This is a bad sign.

Also, I find myself unable to sleep. I roll back and forth and my body is looking for something to cling to. I know this means I must miss Jim. It’s posing practical problems, because if I’m too tired in the morning I skip my stretching. If I miss my stretching, I get a little frustrated, and the day is scrapped. I can’t ask Jim to lie in bed with me as a friend, that is not something we can do anymore. But now I cannot sleep. This is a bad sign.