Things Unsaid

Ewh, I should have given myself a pedicure, I think, as I look at the fading pink nail polish.  The routine is the same every time; I jump in the truck, off go the shoes, and up go the feet with my toes pressing against the dashboard.  This has been my posture for as long as we've been friends.  We’ll drive around for hours like this talking about everything and nothing at all. 

I debate for a moment on whether I should put my shoes back on or not, but Will would never notice my neglected toenails, and if he does, he won’t care.  He’s just that way.  Not concerned with the little things like that.  He’s always made me feel so at ease - like I’m home.  Never once have I felt unseen or unloved by him.  

You never know when you will meet someone that changes the way you see life and become a life long cherished friend.  For me, it was senior year high school. 

Trips with teenagers are never as much fun for chaperones as they are for the youth.  Loading 35 drama club high schoolers, along with all their mess - physically and emotionally - into an oversized soup can we call a bus, with no way out for hours, can be quite an unforgettable adventure.  At least it was for me!  But then again, I was one of the teens.

We were traveling three hours south to a Thespian conference.  There, my fellow classmates would perform a play and we’d concluded it with a gospel version of "Lean On Me".  Please keep in mind that this lily white, vanilla voice did much better singing like Bette Midler, but with all the emotion at the conclusion of this heartbreaking play, no one could have convinced me I wasn't as soulful as Patti LaBelle.

After a long day of workshops and performing, it was time to head back to the hotel.  Emotions were high and so was our energy!  As I bounced from seat to seat reliving the excitement of the day, someone hollered "stop" just as I was about to land.  I stopped, literally inches from plopping down on the injured leg of a fellow student who was using said seat to elevate his braced knee.  We were both amazed, and much relieved, that I stopped before further damage was done.    

That was the moment.  

That was our meet cue.  

After that, Will and I became “us.”  We were not easily separated the rest of the school year or summer after.  We could be found riding around in his old monster truck, working on it in his parent’s garage, snuggling on the couch while channel surfing, or laughing with friends at one of our homes. 

Though some thought otherwise, we never dated.  Just loved each other immensely.  I cannot imagine what life would have been like without him that year or since.  

Much time has passed since our fateful meeting and yet not much has changed.  Perhaps we’re both a bit wiser, we both have some creases around the edges as evidence of  happy lives, and some graying for the not so happy times.  But at heart, we’re still the youthful Will and Dawn, we’re still “us.”    

So here we are, riding around in a newer, but equally worn truck.  Chatting about life and everything we’ve accomplished over the past year.  Will lives in the town where we grew up, and I now live in Nashville, Tennessee.  Being apart gives us much to discuss.  As usual, the conversation is effortless.  We joke and laugh, sigh and remember, sing along to our favorite ’70s, ’80s and ’90s hits, and even dream about the future.  We are completely wrapped up in each moment we’re together.  No one else exists.  No one else matters.    

We’ve successfully driven the outskirts of our small city and past all of our old haunts.  We’ve stopped at a few of the local beaches and walked the shore line. Now, we’re making our way through town, like PacMan does his maze.  We pass the old middle school and the updated library.  Cruise around the park and talk about the ever expanding marina.  Each street or place holds some memory and yet there is so much new growth that it feels fresh.  

There’s one spot right before we pull up to the stop light between the Party-T-Pac and Dairy Queen where we cross the river.  I think I’ll remember this location and moment for the rest of my life.  

Will looks over at me and simply asks, “Is there anything that would bring you back home?”  

But the question actually isn’t simple at all!  The tone that Will has is wanting and curious, beyond a no-strings-attached question.  This is loaded.  This is the question that has eluded us for as long as we’ve been “us.” 

There were a few times we flirted around with being more than the best of friends, or rather the topic was raised. Like the first year Will was away at college, he came home for the high school spring musical and brought his roommate, Brandon. 

On our way to the event, Brandon said to Will, “So, this is the white rabbit girl?” at which, Will smiles and nods.  

The previous year we were in “Alice in Wonderland” together.  Will was the white rabbit and I was the duchess with the pig baby.  That was early in our friendship and we were still bonding, making it important for sentimental me to capture all the memories. I found some “Alice” figurines and bought the white rabbit as a going to college gift for Will.  Little did I know, he kept it on the top of his T.V. and would tell people about me when they asked why a college freshman would have such a figurine.  Evidently, I was Will’s “at home” girlfriend.  Boy, was I surprised.    

Then, a few years later, there was the winter break that Will came home from college and worked as a temp at the company I was working for.  I had decided not to attend the company Christmas party, everyone was so much older and I didn’t care to be around them outside of work hours.  Will bet the guys he was working with that he could get me to go as his date to the party.  It didn’t take much persuasion.  Of course I’d go, it’s Will.  

We played dress up and looked so cute!  The night was going great.  Then I heard what I thought was a crazy question, “Will, when are you going to marry that girl?” 

Before I could even speak, Will was answering, “We talked about it, but with me at school and Dawn staying home, it would have been too hard.”  

I was in shock.  We never even spoke about dating, let alone marriage.  What the heck?!?!  

“We did what?,” I asked.

“Yeah.  Remember we talked about it.” Followed by a, please agree with me look.  

“Oh, yeah.  That’s right.  It would be too hard to be married and separated for your schooling.”  

Those conversations seem so distant and fake.  I would have never imagined that there could have been actual feelings behind them.  Now I’m faced with the real and heavy question, “Is there anything that would bring you back home?”      

My heart drops to my stomach.  In my head I’m shouting yes!! A million times yes!!  But, I can't make the words come out.  There’s not a good reason why, I just can’t.  I’ve loved Will for so long, the deep and achy kind of love, yet the thought of putting myself out there scares me.

“No… I don’t think so.”  My voice is cautious and controlled.  

“You’re a city girl now, huh?” 

“Yeah, looks that way.  Is there anything that would make you leave here?”

“No. This is my life. I feel settled an’ I’m happy with how things are goin’.”    

A unified sigh. Then, silence.

It’s just the sound of the blinker as we sit at the red light waiting to turn left heading back to my parents house.  The light seems so long.  Neither of us know how to react to this moment.  I want to reach over and take Will’s hand and tell him that I love him, but am too scared we will hurt one another and mess up the friendship we so cherish.  

As Will drops me off, I wonder if we messed up the rest of our lives, or if we will go on as always.  I have learned so much about friendship, love, and life because of Will.  There are stories and feelings trapped in my heart, longing to escape.  Yet, I fear if I let them out, the world will try to reshape them into something they’re not and leave me with an empty place needing to be filled.  

So for now, all one needs to know is, there once was a girl named Dawn who deeply loved a boy named Will and her life has been all the better for it.