No Regrets

The emptiness and helplessness Gus felt when he heard the news, his Grandfather had sacrificed so much after both his parents had died. The train journey home was a non event, he had no memory of it. When Gus returned home to Lamont, his sister, Sissy, had arranged everything. The numbness continued, he had no feelings. He had promised he’d walk with grandfather once term holidays were here and he could no longer thole the pleasantries he had been pretending to fain. He slipped away from the crowd. One of their favourite walks meant climbing the high hill near their home, they had a panoramic view. To the northwest, on clear days, they could see the sea; they would talk about many things but on those days, they would talk about the days before mother died. 

He cared not that he was dressed inappropriately with suit and brown brogues, his head needed space, his spirit was restrained, he needed to get away.

As he walked he looked to the north and the Mount with its snowy peak monopolising the skyline. Almost a thousand feet of the upper slopes glistening white with snow. Far to the east he could see the valley which would eventually lead to the city built on rocky hills. A little south and the east, through the valley, was his home town. He reached a rocky outcrop where they would often stop. It was warm and he was sweaty, he took off his jacket, sitting on the rocks. He finally felt release, he felt the emotion rising and bursting as the tears became uncontrollable. 

He leant forward with his head in his hands. 

He suddenly became aware of a heavy comforting hand on his shoulder, he wasn’t startled as it was familiar bringing welcome relief.

"How is Sissy?", came the reassuring voice.

"She’s understandably distracted, more than usual that is."

Gus turned his head and his tears continued to flow. Grandfather gave a wry smile.

"She has a new boyfriend."

"Oh! She always was the popular one, always loads of friends."

"We were fortunate, when we moved to Lamont. We were given a house next to families with 

children close to her age. The Lord was generous, we were next to Rose. She was a good help."

Gus began to smile.

"Rose is the only person I've ever saw challenge you, telling you off. I remember she was always telling you not to be so protective, especially with Sissy."

Grandfather nodded. 

"I was in constant fear something might happen to her if she were allowed to play in the garden with the other children."

He chuckled.

"Rose convinced me I was being too protective, she was becoming self-conscious and self-centred."

Gus splurged.

"Yeah, she's none of those." Gus said sarcastically.

Grandfather gave him a disdainful look. 

"It was understandable how you felt, we had lost so much. I appreciate the burden you have carried in your heart for us."

Gus leant back.

"I have some memory of the 'tin hut' but my happiest memories are in the cottage, it was 

comfortable and helped heal the scars of the past."

"It came with the job, always seemed cramp to me but you children became strong in mind, body and soul whilst we lived there. Lamont has been good to us, a good school, the temple had a good youth programme and you got weekend work."

Gus mused.

"It was hard work but I did enjoy having money in my pocket."

Grandfather confirmed.

"It made you strong, in muscle and personality."

"Do you ever miss the city, Grandfather?"

Grandfather smiled again, widely. 

"I did contemplate moving back to the city, At that point, I had never fully given up the idea that you ought to grow up there, but with the reasoning of a female, Rose convinced me that 

Lamont was a better place to rear and educate children."

Gus agreed. 

"Rose is a very persuasive women but she was right."

"When I thought about it logically," confirmed Grandfather, "it made sense. Billy was now 16 and was just about to start his apprenticeship, you were 14, doing well at school and Sissy 5 just starting school. You were all in excellent health, it was just me romanticising."

Grandfather sighed. 

"It was around that time my health had deteriorated, I could only work part time but with Billy 

having started work, more than made up for the loss of income."

Gus nodded.

"I always felt sorry that Billy had to stop school to start work."

Grandfather shook his head. 

"You were always the smart one, Billy was desperate to start work."

"You've all stepped up."

Gus enquired.

"Sissy never talks about the city, do you think she has any memories?"

Grandfather shook his head. 

"If she does they are buried deep, she does talk of some memories of her mother before the tragedy and her death. I think she talks with Rose more about that."

Gus could see contemplation on his Grandfathers face. 

"You are good to talk to, you always have an answer, no matter how searching our questions are. You never fail to give us the right answer and make sure we fully understand it."

"You make it sound easy.", Grandfather said with some perplexity. 

Grandfather enquired.

"How is your ear? Does it still bother you?"

Gus held his right ear.

"I can feel the blood pulse through the vein when I'm a little stressed. That's the payment I get for too many winter nights on the roof garden. It was that year the great snowstorm happened. Heaviest snowfall in twenty years, snow fell ten feet deep. Sissy wondered where I was and found me 

sleeping in the snow."

"I was worried for a while about you, thought you were going to lose all your hearing because of that infection."

"Hearing is fine, just the thumping."

Gus change the subject again. 

"Billy's doing well."

Grandfather agreed. 

"The house is almost paid off and he's saving to send Sissy to University as well. He's a grafter."

Gus's chest stuck out. 

"I'm proud to be his brother, mum would be proud as well."

He paused. 

Grandfather looked with pride at Gus. 

"You do know how proud we all are of you.."

Gus looked out towards the sea. He again broke the silence.

"I remember that day we left the city, Grandfather."

"Police urging us to evacuate the city if we were able." 

"I remember it like it was yesterday."

Grandfather’s hands moved slowly to and fro to help him tell the story. 

"They put us onto trucks after that awful night sleeping on the floor of the community hall." 

Gus interrupted.

"I slept fine but I think I would have slept on glass I was so tired."

Grandfather continued.

"They loaded us on trucks along with bags of rice, mats, blankets and tools. I don’t remember how long we travelled but they were in no hurry and constantly stopping.”

Grandfather paused as if letting Gus’s memory catch up.

“The streets were busy, seemed like everyone was leaving." 

"When we reached the outskirts of the city, the world changed for us. We were city people, the countryside was alien to us, we saw an abundance of slopes, needled trees, browns and greens, higher rising land, and stout oaks, but nothing to our eyes of obvious value just outstanding beauty." 

Gus smiled widely. 

"We soon adapted Grandfather, we soon became country bumpkins, eh"

“Everything changes, my boy! I have to go now!”

Gus lowered his head again, closing his eyes.

“I know!”

He felt the heavy hand of comfort lift and with it, momentarily, so did his spirit. 

His grief, the emptiness remained, but he knew he was well prepared.

“No regrets, my boy!”

Was the last echoing words he heard as he started the long walk back.