The Silent Divorce

It is silent. Not eerily so, but in the change your life, hear a pin drop, jaw-dropping, did that just happen, way.

Stunned. That was the other word for it.

“Divorce?” I stammered swallowing hard; my eyes began to well with tears. My mind was too numb to ask anything else.

“There’s someone else.”

It was almost gentle other than the punch to the gut.

I… I what, what did I want? To know who she was? To know why he went after someone else. To know who went after who first?

“How long?” I settled on.

“A year.”

Another punch. He was really going for the knockout.

“Oh.” I stammered. “I see.” I didn’t see it. Not really. My vision was blurring. I hoped it was a sign I was about to pass out and escape this reality if only for a few minutes, but it was tears.

“It’s Belinda.”

Of course. I thought. Belinda. As if giving her name explained it all. Twenty years of marriage and that bitches name was supposed to make everything make sense.

“My bags are packed. We rented a place already.”

Deep breath. “I want you gone.” I was deliberate, if slow. It made sense. Why would I want him here after this? What did she have that I didn’t? The question popped into my head unbidden, but I didn’t dare ask for fear he’d give an answer.

“I guess this is goodbye then.” He awkwardly moved towards me. Like we should hug or shake hands, but I pulled away. “Um, sorry, I guess.” He muttered. Then he turned and headed into the other room.

A few minutes later he came back carrying our luggage set. We’d actually bought it for our fifteenth anniversary. Trip to Cancun. How blissful it had been to lay on the beach, drink margaritas, and make fun of other tourists.

I sat back on the couch, letting it cradle me. Ten years ago on our anniversary, we’d talked about kids. Now I was glad we’d chosen to never have any. Clean break, I guess. I wonder if that’s why he’s leaving. No, couldn’t be. He had a vasectomy. Those can be reversed I told myself.  

At twelve years he had decided to change his career path. I’d supported him. He stopped teaching and went to school to go into advertising.

At three years his mom had died of cancer. He’d been so depressed he couldn’t work for three months. I’d taken on a second job to make sure we didn’t give anything up.

All these years went through my head. And then at nineteen, he’d found someone else.

Dragged from my thoughts by the locking of the door. I let out a breath. Silence. A pin could be heard if it was dropping. My life had changed. He’d found someone else and now I was here on the couch, stunned.

I picked up the phone and dialed. “Hey, Sarah. How are you?”

“Um, Fine.” I swallow past the lump in my throat. “You?”

It was always the same conversation with my dad. “Oh, can’t complain. You want to speak to your mom?”

He always passed the phone to her. I was counting on it this time. “Yeah, thanks.”

“Hey, honey, how are things?”

“Not so great,” I say tears starting to fall.

“Sarah, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“Jeff is leaving me,” I say, a sob. “There’s someone else. There's been someone else for a while and he wants to live with her and not me. And I don’t know what I did. And why is this happening? And oh my god my husband cheated on me.” It comes rushing out in sobs and a gust of shock.

“Shh. It’s ok honey. These things happen. It’s not good. But you’ll get through this. I’m so sorry.”

Is that what you say to a person who told you they were getting cheated on? What is the protocol for that? Do they make “sorry you’re getting cheated on greeting cards?” I don’t recall ever seeing that section even though they seem to have all kinds of other holidays to celebrate or situations to mourn.

“Do you want us to come over?” She offered.

That sounded ten times worse. If all I was going to get was an “It’s ok. These things happen.

 I was better off on my own.

I needed a cat. The weirdest thought came to mind. At least if I had a cat, I wouldn’t be alone. I could talk to a cat I thought. He’d sit on my lap and purr and I’d tell him all about this day and what had happened and things would be better.

I’m going crazy is my next thought. “I think I might need company.” Is what I say instead of the truth. That I think I’m having a mental breakdown.

“We’ll be there as soon as we can.” She disconnects the call.

Great, Dad is coming too. He will be so much help. I sigh, suddenly realizing I’ll probably end up taking care of them over them taking care of me. Maybe it will give me something to do. Yes, I think, something to do.

I stand up and begin to straighten up the living room. It’s not particularly dirty. But I will be having guests. This becomes the most important task of my life. Make sure this room is clean.

By the time they arrive, I’ve vacuumed dusted, and arranged all the throws and pillows. Everything looks like it came from a magazine. Perfect, unlike my marriage.

The doorbell rings and I answer it. Mom hugs me and it’s the best hug I’ve ever had. I immediately begin to cry. “It’s over Mom. It’s so over and I don’t know what to do. Twenty years and he just dumped me for someone else. How could he do this? What is wrong with me? Why can’t we work this out?”

We’ve made it over to the couch and already messed up the pillows. “Oh, Honey. You still might. Cheating isn’t always the end. You two need to talk. Really talk and see what you want to do from here.”

“Mom, he packed his bags and moved in with her. I think he’s made it clear what he wants.”

“Do you know what you want?” She asks her hand on my knee giving me a gentle squeeze.

I start to answer but pause. What did I want? I wanted to not feel like this. Crushed by the person I loved and trusted the most in the whole world. “We can’t go back. I can’t go back. I could never trust him after this.”

“You want the divorce too then?”

An hour ago, he walked out and I was stunned but now I knew. “Yes,” I say with conviction. “I want to move forward.” My voice gets stronger. “I’m not the one wrong here. He is and I’m going to do what I want from here on out. I don’t have to ask him for anything.”

It was true. I had my own money. I paid my own part of the bills. Both our names were on the deed so we would have to sort that out but if he was living with her, then I got the house. That was all there was to it.

“I’ll be ok,” I say finally and a part of me believes it.

“You will be.” My mom says with a sad smile. “You will still be sad for a while. But you will move forward. He never did deserve you.”

My parents had never approved of him so I should have known they’d take this as good news. “Yeah,” I confirm.

“Will you be alright here by yourself? We can stay longer or I can spend the night.”

“I think I’ll be ok. I am used to sleeping alone. That should have been my first clue.” I say ruefully. “All those, ‘business trips’”. I know I haven’t completely accepted this. This is day one of many, but at the moment I’ve reached a state of calm.  We say our goodbyes and I close the door. I take a deep breath.

It is silent