Together

Content warning: this piece discusses themes of PTSD, medical trauma and anxiety.

Hey, you, 

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It feels like just yesterday we met. You were in pain as the demons from your past just kept refusing to be pushed down. I’m here to help, you see. I’m here to protect you. 

I’m truly sorry, but to protect you, I need to remind you what I am protecting you from. Those feelings when you smell something familiar, something that I was with you when you met me for the first time. I had to remind you that with a scent just like this, you could have died. I can’t let that happen. 

The world is so dangerous. You are me and I am you, so I must protect you. You can’t trust anyone, not a soul. No, remember what happened last time that happened? Here, let me show you. This is why you can’t trust anyone.

'Shut up!' Ella screamed in her room. She was sitting on the floor against her bed. Her head in her hands as a familiar scent and an unwelcome memory washed over her. In that moment, she was back. 

Covered in crinkly, white bedsheets, hooked up to so many different machines. Wires coming out of my chest and arms. I’m back. I’m back but I want to leave. A blinding pain flashed down her side and blood could be seen on the sheets. Looking up, there are people staring down at me, talking. Planning. “No, that wouldn’t work,” “Absolutely not!” “We need to do something and fast.” All the while, I was lying flat there, feeling helpless. A room full of people, of unfamiliar smells. Of pain. Of fear. 

Tears streamed down Ella’s cheeks. She was young, but she had already lived through a lifetime of pain. She sat against her bed, head in her arms, tears rolling and crying for the memory to stop. 

I’m sorry. But this has to be done. We can’t end up in that room, in that bed, again. You know that smell. It’s the smell of that place. It’s the smell of that fear. It’s the smell of that pain. I know it hurts, but you’ll see it’s all meant to help you. To protect you. 

You see, I know it’s hard to relive these nightmares that have been inflicted upon us. But in order to survive, we need to know what we’re up against. You need to fight, to flee, to freeze or try talking your way out. 

'I can’t keep doing this,' Ella whimpered to herself through sobs. Her body was trembling, her heart racing to the point she feared it would explode, vision blurring, breathing quickening, her body dripping with sweat. 

I can’t leave you. I’m here for you. I’m here to make sure the atrocities that have happened can’t happen again. At the very least, I can help make it easier. I just have to prepare you. I just have to let you know we’ve faced this before. The world is dangerous and we’ve got to be ready. 

'Ella? Are you okay?' came a friendly, gentle voice. 

'No.'

Don’t tell her! She won’t understand. Or maybe she’ll use this vulnerability against us. Stop! It’s not safe!

'Can I do anything?'

'Can you just sit with me?'

And with that, Melissa, Ella's mother, sat down beside her.

'Honey, you’re not alone, you know. You’re safe now. You’re here, you’re not in the hospital anymore.'

'It’s like it took over my body, my being. I was right back in that bed,' Ella sniffed. 'I've had enough of living like this.'

I'm only here to help you. I'm not here to hurt you, only to remind you. The hurt you experienced. The fear. The pain. I'm not here to cause it, I'm here to stop it from happening again. But to do that, you have to listen to me!

A dull ache started behind Ella's left eye. The nightmares of her past resurface at the forefront of her mind. Tears still streaming. 

I’m really sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. I really don’t. But you know we’ve been through a lot. We’ve been stabbed with needles, had wires coming out of us, bled more blood than we should have, experienced more pain than we should have, had some of the strongest known chemicals pump through our veins, seen more than we should have. I’m here for you. I know exactly what we’ve been through. I know FIRST HAND what has caused so much pain. 

The world is so dangerous. We need to be ready. We need to be prepared. Don’t be afraid of me, be afraid of the world around us. 

‘Hey, honey. Come back to me,’ Melissa said softly as she held Ella in her arms. 

‘Mum, this is so hard. I feel like no matter what, everything is just too much. Everything just keeps haunting me.’ 

‘I know, and I can’t tell you that it’ll be fine. I can’t tell you that it’ll just go away. But I can tell you that you’re not alone. I’m here for you. Your friends and family are here for you. You can get through this and I can tell you this won’t last forever.’ 

‘It just feels so heavy right now.’

Come back to me. I need to keep you safe.

‘You’re safe now. You’re here, with me. Nothing can hurt you now.’ And, after hearing her mother’s words, Ella found her breathing start to slow and felt like she had gained some control over her racing mind. 

Having her mother there and hearing her words felt like a weight being lifted. Ella wasn’t alone. She was loved. She was safe now. She hadn’t been in the hospital in over two years now. Now, it was time to heal. Time to live a life, free of cancer, free of hospitals. 

‘We need to get you out of your head, Ella. We need to help you find your way again. To find your happiness again,’ Melissa said as she noticed Ella’s heart rate slowing down ever so slightly. ‘We’ll get there. Together.’

‘Together,’ Ella repeated.