Texting Nick

Hey

Nothing made me happier than getting off the bus and waiting for the Wi-Fi to connect to my iPod touch so I could our after-school text messaging could begin.

What’s up? he said.

Not much, you? I would reply.

Of course, by not much, what I really meant was I’m not doing anything while I’m waiting for you to text me.

Not much, he sent back.

Our conversations always started out this way at about 3:30pm. I can’t recall how we went from the driest conversations in texting history to having conversations about friends and parents at 1am, but some how we always got there.

I learned a lot about the goodness of people and the healing powers of friendship while hanging out with him at school and chatting on Text+.

I remember he walked up to my locker one day at school for no reason.

“Why are you here?” I asked him bluntly.

“I wanted to walk with you to the bus,” he said.

“Alright.”

I thought he was cute, but I only saw him as a person who existed independently of myself. I’m not the kind of girl that people walk up to and talk to for no reason.

At around 4:30pm, my parents would come home, and our texting became a secret game that only I knew about.

My mom keeps asking me why I’m smiling at my iPod lol. I would type while smiling at my iPod touch under the table.

It’s frustrating and chilling to live in a family where people don't know each other well.

When I was 10, my dog died and I found her. My family was out running errands and when we got home, my parents called her, and she didn’t come to the door. They asked me to go get her.

“Holly!” I called running through the living room with my shoes on.

By the time I got to her bed, I saw her laying there and called her again, “Holly, it’s time to go for your walk!”

It took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to realize she was dead. I tried in vain to “wake her up” for about five minutes. At first I shook her lightly, and when I realized she wasn’t hearing me, I just shook her more frantically. I yelled at her to “just wake up!” as if she might suddenly snap into consciousness if I yelled loud enough and shook hard enough.

Growing up, my mom struggled with mental illness. For years I tried frantically to try to wake her up.

I’m right here, I don’t understand why you can’t hear me.

When I was alone and frantically needing someone to hear me, for some reason you of all people were able to listen.

“Jim!” We decided to name all men on roofs Jim. The janitors at our school constantly had to go on the roof to retrieve basketballs and we would wave at yell ‘Jim’ at them because we thought it was endlessly funny.

It was stupid and nonsensical, but you were there, and I enjoyed your company. I knew that you liked having me there too and you knew me better than anyone had ever known me in my life so far.

What a wonderful thing to find someone who likes the bits of yourself you tried to keep secret for so long. I didn’t know how other people would feel about them, but I am relieved that you thought they were okay.

After a few hours of sporadic texting in the evening, I would get in my bed at 9:30pm, turn off the lights, and open Text+ again on my iPod.

Sometimes I don’t know if Sarah likes me, I told him.

In health class we learned about suicide and depression. Our teacher told us that it wasn’t normal to feel worthless and bad about yourself all the time. It’s also not normal to think about suicide.

I never wanted to kill myself, but I thought about suicide a lot for some reason. I didn’t know if it was okay to think about suicide if you weren’t planning on killing yourself. That was an important distinction that my teacher had left out of her lesson and I didn't want to ask.

I know now that it’s not okay and I don’t think about suicide anymore.

At the end of grade 7, I resolved that I must be depressed. My best friend’s name was Sarah, and she treated me like garbage but I didn’t have any other friends so I thought she might be a good person to tell.

I remember going to her house one day and we were catching frogs in her backyard. I contemplated telling her then, but I decided not to because I didn’t want to be dramatic.

I’m sorry she makes you feel like that :(

You can hang out with me if you want, he said.

Pre-adolescent boys are not good at advice but luckily, he never tried to fix anything. I liked that about him. We just hung out a lot together and talked about all sorts of things. Our relationship didn’t have a purpose, we just liked spending time together.

I’m getting tired, I can barely keep my eyes open lol, I said.

It’s 1am and I’m listening to Carrie Underwood on my iPod Nano trying hard to stay awake while I wait for my iPod touch to buzz under my pillow.

Hahaha okay goodnight, he responded.

Goodnight.

Our relationship didn’t end with a significant event, it just kind of fizzled out like going to sleep. Since then, I’ve had many beautiful dreams.

Sometimes it scares me to think about what my life would be like without you. Since then, I’ve had many similar relationships, but I wonder if any of these would have happened if you had never offered to walk me to the bus or stayed up texting me late at night.

I never got the chance to tell you how grateful I was for our friendship. I told you a lot but you still had no idea a lot of the things I was going through at this time.

Thank you for being my friend.