Maturity

Maturity

J. LoSasso

Jared raised his wrist above his head and checked the illuminated dial. Aside from three lavender scented candles and the sliver of streetlight slicing through the narrow front windows there was no other light in the studio.

“You in a hurry tonight, Jared?” Randi’s voice emerged from the darkness. She rolled on to her side and ran her finger down the center of his chest.

“Not at all, Babe. Did I seem rushed to you?” He placed his hand on her naked hip and let it slide along the topography of her body. He loved her peaks and valleys, her soft, smooth mounds and silky edges. “It’s just that I have an early game tomorrow. I think I should leave soon.” He leaned close so she could feel his breath on her neck. “I know you want to sleep in,” he whispered.

“That never stopped you from staying before.” Randi rolled away and sat up, pulling the sheet to her neck. “Is this really about me getting sleep?”

Jared lay back and stared into the darkness. He exhaled deeply. “Wait here,” he said. He felt alongside the bed for his underwear and pants and made his way towards the kitchen in the small studio. He could hear Randi getting out of bed. She clicked on the lamp.

“I said wait there, didn’t I?” he called while pouring two glasses of wine. “I’m getting used to how hard it is for you to do anything I say. I kinda like that, you know. You’re a real stand up to bullshit kind of woman. Especially mine.” Laughing, he handed her a glass. “Cheers!”

Randi tapped Jared’s glass and sipped. She patted the bed, inviting Jared to sit. Ignoring her invitation, Jared placed his glass on the night stand and pulled his shirt over his head. The lamplight obscured Randi’s face, it’s light focused on her long legs.

“Man, I don’t want to leave.”

“So, why are you?”

Jared paused. He took another long sip of wine.

“Look, Randi. I think I should, that’s all. I’ve got Ultimate Frisbee tomorrow, the early game. My team needs me at my best.”

“Hmm-hmm, yeah. Go on.”

Jared took a sip allowing the wine to linger on his lips and tongue before swallowing. He scratched the top of his head. “ Okay. You  know, you make me feel like a teenager again. I love that we ride our bikes all over town. Shit, I hadn’t done that in years. And, man, you are the best sharer I’ve ever met. Besides, if I stay, I won’t want to get out of bed and I’ll miss the game.”

Randi leaned forward into the light. “Really?” She was sleepy and didn’t feel like having this conversation. “I’m going back to sleep. Have fun.” She put her glass on the nightstand and lay back down.

“Well, um, er, like, there’s something else. Um, something you need to know. Something I should’ve told you before. Something I need to say so that we can figure out how to continue.”

Randi pushed back up onto her elbow, pulling the sheet up to her neck. She stared at Jared. She tried to focus on Jared in spite of her drowsiness. “Huh?”

“You know what, I’m just going to say it. I want you to know, er, I need you to know that, I’m married.” Jared moved away from the bed not knowing what to expect. Looking at Randi’s darkened face he tried to judge her reaction. Her face gave away nothing. “I didn’t tell you…” His voice trailed off. He didn’t know how to explain why he didn’t tell her without feeling remorseful. She was everything his wife wasn’t. They cooked together. They drank wine together. They laughed and danced and talked about everything. And they made love, oh how they made love. “You’re all I care about now. I think about you morning, noon, and night. When I’m not with you I can’t concentrate on anything. Ya’ know what I mean? I needed a little time to figure out how to tell you. My marriage isn’t working, hasn’t worked for either of us, and, jeez, I don’t’ know what else to say.”

Nothing. Randi sat in stony silence.

“Say something, anything, please.. Tell me to go to hell. Call me an asshole, anything. I deserve it.”

Randi felt her hand tremble as she placed her wineglass on the glass top of the bedside table. She uncurled her legs from under her and placed her feet on the floor “Okay. Go to hell, asshole. Are you happy now?”

Jared winced. “Yeah, yeah, okay.  But, c’mon, you feel it, too, don’t you? I mean, uh, our connection. It’s too powerful for words, right? I should’ve been upfront, I know, but…”

“But what?” Randi took another sip from her glass and then reached for her oversized sweatshirt that lay crumpled at her feet. She pulled it on and then walked to the bathroom. “I gotta pee.” She sat down. Jared came and stood over her.

“Why aren’t you saying anything? You’re killing me right now?” Jared felt himself breaking. He looked at his watch. Two-twenty-five. He could hear the clanging of the private sanitation trucks collecting their pre-dawn haul from the stores below Randi’s apartment. The

 beam of streetlight carved Jared’s body in half as he stood in the dark room. “I love you, Randi. I mean it. I don’t think I ever said that to anyone else with more meaning than how I’m telling you now. I really, really love you.”

Randi stood up and let the roar of the flush fill the studio. She stood over the sink and could see Jared’s pitiful face reflected in the bathroom mirror as she washed her hands. The fluorescent glare added to his somber expression.

“Go fuck yourself, Jared. I mean that. Really. I don’t think I ever said that with more sincerity in my life.”  Turning on the kitchen light, Randi looked Jared in the eye. “Do me a favor, right now, please. Just leave. Take your things, too. Take everything you’ve left here and go. Please.”

“Aw, c’mon, Randi. Give me a chance to explain. I just need a little more time. I…”

“Time! Time for what? Time for me to languish in that “sidechick” space? I. Don’t. Think. So. Take all the time you need, but while you’re getting your shit together, LEAVE ME ALONE. Now go,” She grabbed his bag and stood by the door.

“Randi, please…” He leaned toward her face. She pulled her head back.

“GO! NOW!”

“But Randi. Please. Don’t be angry with me. I, we, were having so much fun, I didn’t, couldn’t, find the right moment. Pleaaaasse!”

“Oh, just so you know, I’m not angry at you. I’m mad at myself. I told myself ‘no more married guys’ and then I get mixed up with you. Ugh!”

Jared stepped into the quiet, pre-dawn hallway as the clicks of Randi’s locks echoed in his ears. He turned and stared at Randi’s door hoping she would open it and beg him to come back in. He could hear footsteps inside the studio and knew she had returned to her bed. Damn, I screwed that up. Fuck! He checked his watch again. 3:15. Disconsolate, he descended the four flights into the street with its sharp smell of empty trash bins that stabbed his nostrils. Waiting at the corner of the desolate avenue, he thought he had never felt so lonely in his life.

*****

Randi slid back into her empty bed. Opening her computer, she scrolled to YouTube. She felt numb. Hours before she and Jared had been one and now she lay here alone. She typed “nasty breakups” in the search bar. A bunch of Gen-X’ers on both sides of the issue with sound bites. Nothing close to her experience, except a few who had late at night breakups. And the anger. But her anger was self-directed and not about Jared. Hell, she had been in bad relationships before. She thought about Keith. Jesus, I wasted four years with that jerk. Not happening with you , Jared, you fucking liar.

Randi grabbed her cellphone. Going to her recent call list, she found Jared. She hovered her finger over the green button. “Fuck this.” She threw the phone on the bed. She went back to YouTube. She clicked on “Why didn’t it work out?” Yeah, let’s see. Single woman jilts married man who never let on he was married after spending three months dating her. Let’s see if they have that story.” She clicked play. Her phone rang. Jared’s photo filled her screen. Staring at the phone, she let it ring out. It rang again. She tossed her pillow on top of her phone and let the next video play. More Gen-X’ers with their bullshit first-world problems. Her phone pinged, telling her he had left a message. She didn’t want to, but she pushed the pillow aside and picked up her phone. Why am I doing this? She pressed the message icon and saw the text of a long message.

Randi, I know you’re there. Please answer and let me explain. You’ve got to understand. Everything happens in time and for a reason. I told you I was married with the intention of being honest with you. I swear, I plan to leave. I want to be with you always. There are just some things I need to work out. Randi, please answer.”

The phone stopped ringing. Let him squirm. Never again, Randi. Never again. You promised yourself. You didn’t spend all that money on therapy to fall back in with another unavailable guy.   She turned off the light and the computer and fell into a deep sleep.

*****

The next morning, Saturday, began with a misting drizzle. Randi opened her eyes and checked her phone. 9:28 AM. Text message – six notifications. She tossed the phone next to her and opened her computer. She thought about Jared. It felt odd to think of him waking up next to someone else. She couldn’t picture it. How had I missed the signs? She thought about how they started dating. He had been the first “normal” guy she had dated since Keith. All those others with their commitment issues, their mama’s boys attitudes, their selfishness, their perversions. She chuckled thinking about how much time she had spent going on dates with losers. And then Jared appeared.

He was different. She remembered the first time they met. He owned a flower shop near Keith’s house. She had gone in to buy a bouquet for Keith, an apology bouquet for once again hurting Keith’s feelings. He was such a baby, that one. Always expecting her to tell him who she was with, where she was going. Suffocating. She remembered telling Jared what the bouquet was for and how she reacted to his inviting smile.

“You’ll want some Lily’s of the Valley for that job,” he had told her. “Lily’s are symbolic of rebirth. They are meant to repair a broken relationship. Whoever is getting these, will feel their power.”

“I guess so.” She remembered leaving with the delicate, little bell-shaped flowers emitting their dewy, green scent in her hand for Keith, oh, how he needed so much soothing, but thinking about the man who had prepared the bouquet.

*****

Jared sat in his car. He had parked on a side street around the corner from Randi’s apartment. In the darkened car, Jared called Randi. No answer. He called again and again, each time the ringing ending with her voicemail message.

“Hi, this is Randi. Thanks for calling and have a nice day.”

He loved that message. Simple, to the point, happy with herself. So many messages demanded information or made promises of quick return calls or apologized for not answering. Not hers. Just a thanks and a wish for you to be happy. He remembered when she showed up in his store for the third time and he worked up the courage to give her his number. She needed an arrangement to bring to a dinner party. She had told him she and her boyfriend were going to his parent’s house for dinner. She added how she probably wasn’t going to have a good time, how her boyfriend’s mother was a scold, always pestering them about getting married. “Not going to happen,” she laughed. Then she had looked down and whispered, ”I don’t even know why I’m still with him.” He remembered handing her some bright, yellow daisies along with his card, his cell phone number quickly scrawled on the back.

“If you ever want to chat or have a cup of coffee,” he had told her then. She looked at it and opened a side zipper inside her shoulder tote and placed the card there. “ Maybe I will. You never know,” she said. He remembered how her purple t-shirt dress clung to her form and how he stared at her as she left.

“Fuck, Randi. Answer your phone!” Sighing, he started his car, sent her a text, and headed home.

*****

Randi could hear the morning sounds of the street below, barking dogs, screeching metal gates, distant sirens. Sunlight poured through the crevices of her shades, brightening the room. She glanced at her phone lying at the foot of her bed, but decided to make a cup of coffee. Looking out her window, inhaling the warm liquid, she could see the avenue coming to life. Everyone seemed to be moving with purpose. Her phone rang. Without answering, she finished her coffee, grabbed a riding outfit, and pulled her bike from its hook.

Purple hyacinths swaddled in Baby’s Breath and delicate greens lay at her doorstep. “Oh, Jared.” She inhaled the sweet perfume and hugged the bouquet. She thought she would cry. Clutching the flowers as she lifted the bike on her shoulder, she eased down the stairs. The building’s super was outside washing down the sidewalk as she emerged into the day. “Careful, Miss M. You wouldn’t want to slip and hurt those beautiful flowers on this fabulous morning?” He diverted the hose to the street.

Randi smiled as she strapped her helmet on. “Morning, Roel. Have a nice day.” She walked her bike towards the corner, avoided the line snaking out the door of the bagel shop, turned the corner, and before saddling, lifted the cover of the empty garbage bin hugging the wall and, after taking a long, deep breath of the intoxicating aroma, tossed the bouquet inside.

.