Dannie

Leaves rumble around me. Air is warm, and I can feel the pressure of the rain waiting to fall on us any second now. The horse's gallop is strong, and mud slushes beneath me. In the distance I see her on her horse. Did she cut her hair? Her posture is so elegant yet so fearless. She is way better than me in this. I grip the reins and send my horse on the run. Wind tosses my hair, but I cannot reach her. I feel the raindrops on my face. With every trot she is further away, disappearing in the distance.

“Please, Dannie, come back!”

My own voice startles me from the sleep. Wiping my tears, I sit upright, my heart still racing and my mind cloudy with the dream. I try to shake off my thoughts, but they are storming back to her. She was nineteen when I last saw her. In person. But at nights, in my dreams, she comes often. I dread those dreams. For a moment I can still see her face and smile so clearly, but in the next moment – when I narrow my eyes to look for her smile wrinkles – dark clouds cover the sky, hiding her, and she vanishes.

I clutch my heart as it pierces with the flood of the memories. We had such a beautiful childhood. Filled with laughs, made-up quizzes and games, sleepovers, talks in the deep of the night and trips to the seaside. But it was not all sunshine and rainbows. We fought, of course, like most sisters do. We fought about who will control the TV remote or who will get the best Barbie doll. We also fought sometimes out of tiny annoyance or pure boredom. When I look at it now, it was all childlike and nonsense. Something we would get over swiftly. But we never got the chance to grow out of those petty disputes. Those fights became bigger and more complicated. I cannot recall the moment it all went sideways. We were just thrown between two flames, and it was inevitable that we would get burnt.

I try to fall back to sleep, but on nights like this I am reminded that losing her impacted me greatly... It just happened so quickly. One flame got too feisty, and she was locked out of the house. I was younger than her and so naive that I did not even comprehend what was happening. It felt like a deep, ruinous wave hit me from behind, sending me straight into a gush of water. Leaving me fighting for air, and in that split of a second, I could not breathe. I tried. But nothing made much sense. Then something pulled me up, bringing me to the surface. I heard my ragged breathing, but at least I was breathing.

For a long period of time it felt as if I was still trapped under that wave. Experiencing all the day-to-day life situations but not processing any of it. My life stayed colourless while she lived hers with the brimming shades and palettes of colours. In chaos but with full lungs. I would find out some news about her. But those two flames were still so fresh that I feared whatever I would say, or even if I just tried to reach her, it would just add fuel, and everything would go up in fire. So I stayed silent. Worrying that the same would happen to me or that the crispy ocean air would embrace me and then the wave would hit me. Drowning me, again.

I toss and turn as I count the years since I last saw her. Ten years have passed. I would not say that time heals wounds. It is like the deep cuts become more veiled. Covered from the preying eyes. But if someone dared to look even a little bit closer, they would see fresh blood still streaming and flowing beneath that veil.

Trying to shift my focus, but my mind still wanders and drifts to her. I listen to the trees swaying slightly in the wind. One branch is hitting window glass in the unwavering rhythm. I can feel the cold October air entering the room through the opened bedroom doors. So I get up to close it. As I reach my doorhandle, I hear some voices outside in the hallway. I follow the quiet whispers. Before I enter the dimly lit living room, I recognise one small female voice, but the other childlike one is unknown to me.

"Mummy, you and your sister don't hang out… Why? I would love to have a sister… But Daddy said that he needs to find a new woman first to give me a sister, and why is Daddy not living with us?” a little girl, with two blond pigtails, asks her with curiosity in her bright green eyes. They have the same eyes.

"Honey, please tell me more about that funny cartoon you watched at your dad's house," she answers and watches as the little girl immerses herself in the world of fantasy.

They lose themselves in the conversation about the mighty princesses and the dragons. As I step back to leave them, not wanting to break their peace, the floor squeaks beneath me, and the frail voice asks:

“Evie…? Is that you?”

I freeze at the sound of my name.

She stands there, suddenly in the shade of the pine trees. Little girl standing behind her.

I try to speak, but my voice cannot find its way out. I study her face. She looks the same yet so different.

She catches my gaze and manages to ask as her voice tears up, “Don’t you remember me?”

My throat aches, filling up with unspoken words. ‘Of course I do remember you,' I want to say. How could I forget you? You are still and will always be my sister. It would be easy to just erase those ten years and pretend like nothing has happened. But my lips are tightly shut.

I watch her grimace as pain crosses her face. I never wanted to hurt you, and I do not want to keep hurting you. I want to yell, but nothing comes out. Please, forgive me for not being there for you. I start slowly towards her, hoping she gets my message even though my voice betrayed me. A little girl tugs at her sundress and nods at me. My lips curve into a smile.

"Keep her safe, angel girl." I hug them both tightly, not wanting to let go as rain starts to pour and thunderbolts strike above us.

A thrill buzzes through me, and I wake up drenched in sweat. Sunrise peaks through the branches and illuminates my room. I blink right at it. The change is coming.