A Brief Interlude at a Party

The night air was stifling. The month of August had never seen such an oppressive heat wave. The humidity pressed up against the windows, the brick and paneled buildings, and saturated the air until everyone was panting and sweating and begrudgingly patting down their poufy and frizzed hair. It clung to every breath, every particle of clothing, and made everyone miserable and short tempered. Despite the absence of the sun, the heat had become more unbearable in the blanket of the night. Completely a contradictory to basic laws of nature. Though Salem cradled the coast, no wind blew tonight. The stars were hidden under thick, pillowy clouds that held a promise of rain.

Kristie had considered quitting smoking just so she could stay in the cool sanctuary of the air-conditioned apartment. She knew she would have to quit someday, but not tonight. This cigarette was a nice interlude from the situation she found herself in tonight.

She took a drag and passed it to Sarah. They stood as close as they were allowed to the backdoor of their apartment. It led out to the dumpsters and parking lot for the building. Parking lot was a strong adjective to describe this lot. Their landlord had painted spaces in what was essentially an alleyway between two unkept buildings. It made their shabby apartment more appealing when “comes with parking” was advertised. This street was on the precipice of the “bad” part of town and the danger of that wafted in the air like a bad smell.

It was their apartment who played host to the activities tonight. Though their party was four floors above, the music, laughter, and general debauchery could be heard at street level. Those few who did brave the mugginess cast glances up to the illuminated level with general expressions of interest. Few braver souls stole into the building to join the fun.

“What a night,” Sarah said, exhaling the smoke through her nose before passing it back to Kristie. She gathered her hair to a ponytail at the top of her head. Her curls were especially bouncy tonight and fitted around her head like a halo. Kristie had forgone the attempt of doing her hair and merely twisted her long blonde hair into a ballerina bun.

“Yeah, I still can’t believe Pat came,” Kristie said shaking her head. She flicked the ash off the cigarette with tap of her finger. Each nail was painted a different color that was chipped from wear, tear, and general cheap materials. The contrast of her chipped nail polish against the glowing cigarette somehow gave a charming appeal. That may have just been from Kristie herself though.

The contrast of the two girls was striking. While Sarah was tall, lean, and exotic, Kristie was short, doe-eyed, and “all American.” Despite their physical differences, they were in that prime time of their lives where every night was exciting, possibilities seemed endless, and their futures had not been tainted with pessimism. They were young, vibrate, and beautiful. They shone through their dilapidated surroundings like jewels in the gutter.

“What’s the deal with you two?” Sarah asked as she dug through her fanny pack looking for a breath mint. She had told her boyfriend, Lloyd, that she had “officially” quit smoking. “Officially” really meant “to the best of my ability” and her ability was not that strong tonight. Especially when she noticed her smoking buddy sneak off downstairs with a cigarette in her hand and a lighter in the other.

Kristie took a drag and shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know.”

A frenzy of girl laughter and squealing wafted down from the window that was left cracked open. The two girls looked up towards the sound. The windows glowed a dirty yellow from the years of grim accumulated on its surface. Sarah returned to searching for her mint while Kristie took another drag. The cigarette was down to its last legs. Kristie offered it to Sarah who shook her head.

“No, Llyod will be pissed enough as it is.”

“Ah, you’re doing your best,” Kristie said encouragingly. She tossed the butt on the ground and stomped it out with the heal of black boots. “It’s not fair if he gets upset. He doesn’t understand how hard it is.” Kristie glanced down at the dead butt, smooshed into the asphalt, one ember resiliently glowing. “I have to quit soon too.”

“It’s so hard,” Sarah said, she had finally found her box of mints and popped one in her mouth. She offered one to Kristie who gladly took one. “I’m trying my best, just sometimes trying my best isn’t enough to actually stop me.”

Kristie understood what she meant. It was hard doing what she knew was right for her. That was her whole dilemma with Pat. He had strung her around for two years now. The remainder of her college life had revolved around him. He had ruined many of her nights along with making so many of them memorable. That’s why seeing him always made her so confused. Love didn’t just go away, especially your first love, and when you saw your first love participating in some less then desirable recreational behavior at your party, it got to be a bit much.

Seeing him return from the many trips from the bathroom and sit on her couch, the same couch they had cuddled and watch movies on before, his pupils too large, his behavior too erratic, his movements too hectic, it got to be a bit too much. What was worse was watching a parade of people follow him into the bathroom with him, not just any people but the people she cared about and called friends. She hated that he brought it to her party and hated him for getting caught up in it in the first place. In what felt like another lifetime ago, she had watched it take hold of people she cared about before and turned them into shells of themselves. Seeing it happen again felt like déjà vu and made her anxious. She glanced back up at the window and wanted another cigarette.

She remembered the last conversation she had with Pat. What was it, maybe three days ago? It had still been hot, but not as bad as today. Some small semblances of a breeze pushed the air around and made it tolerable. He had taken her out to her Jaho Coffee Roasters and paid for her. They had walked along the wharf and talked about old times. He didn’t ask about her boyfriend, and she didn’t ask who that girl she had seen him with last weekend was. They got along best that way. Eventually, their conversation had entered dangerous territory. She knew it was bad when they sat at their bench that overlooked the water and Pat began to look thoughtful.

“Thanks for chilling with me today. It was nice, I really miss you,” he had said as he stared off at the ocean. His nerves made looking into her big brown eyes impossible now.

Kristie’s heart had hammered in her chest. It was the always the same feelings as before with him, the excitement, the anxiety, and the unsureness. She was a master of herself though and her nonchalant behavior was her armor.

“Yeah, it was cool seeing you too.” She had said. She took a sip of her coffee for more of something to do. She had already finished it two sips ago.

It was quiet for a moment. Pat hesitated before he spoke.

“I really have changed. I know you don’t know because we don’t hang as much, but I swear. I’m doing much better now.”

She didn’t trust herself to say anything. They had this conversation so many times before.

The silence was charged and uncomfortable.

“Do you ever still miss me too?” Pat finally asked.

 “I mean, sometimes, yeah, but it doesn’t matter because-.”

“-is it because of that guy?”

Kristie was taken aback, it annoyed her that he pretended to not know his name and her aggravation slipped through her armor.

“Uh, yeah it has something to do with Tim.” She put extra emphasis in his name.

“I just don’t get what you see in him,” Pat said bitterly. This conversation was not going how he envisioned it and he was becoming resentful.

 He doesn’t dump me then drag me along for two years. He has a real job and takes me out and doesn’t ignore me randomly for no reason, she wanted to add but didn’t. Despite her anger she still loved Pat and didn’t want to hurt him.

Instead, she shrugged her shoulders like his opinion didn’t matter. “You don’t have to.”

Pat began kicking a hole in the dirt underneath the bench with his heel. He hated Tim at this moment. He felt unjust, like he had stolen Kristie from him even though this was not at all the reality.

“Say if Tim wasn’t in the picture. Would you ever think of starting things up again?”

This had been the real reason for him calling her and asking to talk. Kristie felt like every time she had rebuilt the pieces of her life from their explosive breakups and found some sliver of happiness, Pat came back into her life to make sure it imploded again.

Kristie fidgeted in her seat. She did not trust herself enough to be here in this moment. Things had just started with Tim and while he was such a gentleman, she still felt drawn towards Pat. She wasn’t sure it if was because he rejected her so many times or because he was her first love or a combination of all three. Still, she didn’t like being here, faced with this all over again.

“I don’t know, Pat.” She looked down at her hands that cradled her paper coffee cup. “There are other reasons too. I don’t think it’s cool what you are doing on the side.”

Pat was confused. For a moment he wondered if she was referring to around a year ago when he had an brief flirtation with Kristie’s ex-best friend Cristina. He was smart enough to not bring this up though, and instead stared at Kristie, hopefully for some clarification.

“Pat, if you are caught, you could go to jail. Like, I don’t know the jail time for selling, but it’s pretty bad.” He realized what she was referring to and turned his head to gaze back at the horizon. The waves were flat today. Kristie continued, “not to mention how many of my friends I’ve see get caught up in it and it destroyed their lives.”

Pat debated refusing to acknowledge this turn the conversation had taken. He already knew all this. He just didn’t think it was that big of a deal. He had told her this before and it had ended in a fight. He didn’t want to fight with her today. He wanted to win her back, but it wasn’t going his way. He couldn’t ignore her though.

“I mean, is that really the only thing holding you back?” He finally asked.

Kristie thought about this.

“I’m not sure,” she decided. She did really like Tim, but it was still too soon to determine if she loved him. She was slow to fall in love, but when she did, it was hard.

“Well, I can change. Just be patient with me.”

Kristie had already talked about this with Sarah, with Olivia, with Becca, with Maggie, with Corinn, with both Rays, with Brian, with Keane, with Kyle-with almost everyone she knew and was close to. And now to have him come here and not only show that he was lying, but also bring it to her house where the cops could easily come and break everything up-she debated leaving her apartment for the rest of the night.

She was so frustrated and disappointed, and frustrated with herself for letting herself be disappointed again. She desperately wanted to say all this to Sarah, wanted to talk about how much it bothered her, how she wanted to leave the party, but the words were stuck in her throat. She was afraid if she started talking, she wouldn’t stop talking. That her armor would come down and she may even cry.

              She took a deep breath in, mastering herself once again.  

              “Let’s go back inside before I sweat off all my makeup,” she suggested.

              “Following your lead love,” Sarah replied.

              As they walked through the door, Kristie was struck with a line that best described her and Pat’s relationship.

              Now that it’s over, it can really begin.

              As they made their way back to the party, the humidity broke, and the rain fell. The ember of the cigarette extinguished.