"Finding Alice"

Pippa

The day she went missing didn’t consist of a single peaceful second. From the moment I woke up it was hell.

I woke up in a cold sweat, sitting straight up. I held my hand to my chest to try and steady my breathing. I looked over my shoulder, hoping to be comforted with a tight embrace. Since the moment I met her, Alice was always the best person to turn to. Whenever I was in a panic she would hold me close, gently stroking my hair. I could let myself fall into her, feeling our souls merge as she lent me some of her calm. She’d gently tell me to breathe, never loosening her soothing grasp. She brought me back to reality, reminding me where I was, and that I was safe. Once we’d said “I love you,” she’d repeat those words to me whenever I was panicking.

When I turned to her that morning I saw nothing. I was alone in our bed.

“Alice?” I called out into the emptiness that filled our bedroom. I was met with silence. “Alice?!” I repeated, a little louder. Nothing.

I left the room and began searching the apartment, but somewhere in my gut I knew it was pointless. She wasn’t there, and searching the entirety of our home only proved it to be true. I was then met with three unanswered phone calls… and then five more.

The terrible feeling in my gut grew stronger, spreading nausea throughout my entire body. I felt the panic eat away at every part of me. Something terrible had happened, I knew it.

I tried to center myself, reminding myself where I was and that I was safe, just like Alice would do. It didn’t work, I may have been safe, but Alice wasn’t. I couldn’t wait a second longer or I would explode.

911 what is your emergency?

The words echoed in my brain as I struggled to say the words I hadn’t yet said aloud: “My girlfriend is missing.”

⋯

Two cops arrived at my door ten minutes later. A man and a woman. I peeked through the curtains as they approached. The woman knocked strongly three times and I opened the door in a heartbeat. Her eyes were like Alice’s, bright emerald green. They were filled with concern and empathy. Her olive skin was the clearest I’d ever seen on a person, and she had dark brown hair resting on her shoulders. The man standing next to her was slightly shorter. He had light brown hair and brown eyes, and his face was covered in freckles. She was wearing a dark purple pantsuit, and he had an average police uniform.

“Pippa Fox? My name is Detective Emelina Hale, this is Officer Thompson Clay. We’re here in response to your call about a missing person.” The woman spoke clearly and quickly, and the man gave a small nod and a slight smile. The kind of smile you give to someone grieving when you don’t know how to comfort them.

“Hi, yes, I’m Pippa. My girlfriend,” I could feel myself scrambling my words, “my girlfriend’s name is Alice. She was missing when I woke up.”

“I’m so sorry Ms. Fox. May we come in?” Detective Hale spoke gently. I waved them in and we all sat in the living room.

The man set a recording device on my coffee table and turned it on. “This is just so we can look back on the information you give us.”

“What exactly happened when you woke up this morning?” Detective Hale asked.

It already hurt to relive the moment I realized she was gone. “I woke up in a startle from a nightmare. I can’t remember it. I was feeling anxious and turned to Alice cause she’s the person who always comforts me. When I realized the bed was empty I called out her name and searched the apartment. I couldn’t find her anywhere and she didn’t answer my phone calls, so I called 911.”

“Did anything odd happen last night? Any behavior she may have had that seemed off? Or like something bad was going to happen?” Hale asked.

The memories of last night already felt fuzzy. “Not that I can think of. She was home already when I got back from work. She made mac and cheese and we watched a movie. Then we went to bed. It was a completely normal night, just like every other.”

“Can you think of any enemies Alice may have had?”

“I don’t think so. She didn’t get along with her brother, but I don’t think he was an enemy or anything like that. She’s super thoughtful and likeable, I can’t imagine anyone having a problem with her.”

“Did she seem unhappy at all? Or like she might leave?” Officer Clay chimed in with this question, which caught me off guard. I was horrified at what he was suggesting, and Detective Hale seemed to be too as she shot him a glare.

“No. Not at all. She loves her life. Our life. We’ve been together for four years and are happily in love. She wouldn’t leave. No way.” I didn’t like him.

“Has her behavior in the last week seemed at all uneasy or afraid? Like she knew someone might have been out to get her?” Hale redirected the conversation back to what I believed were productive questions.

“No, she hasn’t said anything to me. I never would’ve seen this coming.”

They asked a few more questions about where Alice worked and who in her life they could talk to. Clay stayed pretty quiet after his first question, leaving the questioning to Detective Hale.

“We’ll keep you updated if we find anything. Here are our numbers, feel free to call us if you think of anything or if anything happens.” Hale provided me with several phone numbers.

“Thank you Detective.” I shook their hands and showed them to the door, watching as they drove away.

Once they were gone I shut the door and fell to the ground, crying into my hands.

Emelina

The day Alice Lane went missing started off generally normal. I woke up at 6 am, took a shower, and walked my dog. I got the call at 10 am about a missing person. I was paired with a young cop, Thompson Clay, to go question the woman who lost her partner.

“Let me ask the questions, try and take as many notes as you can.” I told Thompson when we parked.

A young woman opened the door seconds after I knocked. Her face was completely white. She seemed to have naturally pale skin, clearly made paler from the loss of her girlfriend. She had long blonde hair that still looked frizzy from her bedhead, and bloodshot blue eyes that were full of worry.

From what Pippa Fox told us, Alice Lane was well-liked and happy. Pippa was clearly broken from the loss.

“We could look into the brother? Or maybe ask around her work?” Thompson was flipping through his notepad.

“Yeah, did Pippa have a name for the brother?”

“No. Seems like Alice was pretty cut off from the family. Not sure why he’d show up to abduct her if they weren’t in each other’s lives, but I’ll try and track him down if I can.”

“Sounds good. I’ll ask around her company.”

According to Pippa, Alice was a lawyer. Pippa believed her girlfriend to be well liked by colleagues at Alice’s firm, but I figured someone there would be able to identify at least one person who didn’t like their lawyer. I left Thompson at the station to track down Alice’s brother, and drove to Alice’s firm, Kaye & Palmer. The building was small, and seemed to still be growing as a company. I was greeted by a young secretary with straight black hair and big brown eyes. She sat with perfect posture and was speaking to someone on the phone with a soft yet firm voice.

“Hello! Welcome to Kaye & Palmer Law, how can I help you?” She asked attentively after hanging up the phone.

I held up my badge and introduced myself, “Hello. I’m Detective Hale. I’m currently investigating a missing persons case of one of the employees of this firm. Would it be possible for me to speak to a senior partner?”

“Of course Detective. Have a seat and I’ll have someone out to help you shortly.” She gestured to a few chairs in the corner of the room, where I made myself comfortable while she summoned someone.

“Detective Hale?” A tall, thin man with wispy gray hair approached me. “My name is Frederick Palmer, I’m one of the senior partners of this firm. I was told you had some questions about one of our lawyers?” He shook my hand firmly.

“Yes please Mr. Palmer. I’m currently searching for a woman named Alice Lane, a lawyer here who was reported missing this morning.”

When he first spoke his voice was filled with confidence and charm. He seemed ready to help in whatever way he could. I assumed he cared about his employees and would provide me with lots of insight. Once I said Alice’s name his gentle smile drooped and confusion filled his eyes. My initial instinct was that he was hiding something, but as I studied his face longer, I realized he was genuinely clueless.

“Alice Lane…” He seemed to be searching his mind for any significant information. “There’s nobody here with that name.” His voice lowered as he said this, and he looked completely baffled.

I hesitated, unsure how to continue with my questions. “Has anyone by that name ever worked here?”

“Not that I’m aware of, I can check our records though.”

“Yes please, I’d appreciate that.”

He nodded and went to speak with the secretary. She appeared just as surprised by the name, showing no recognition. She typed rapidly and printed out several sheets of paper, which Frederick Palmer brought back to me.

“This is a list of all the lawyers who currently work here,” he handed me one sheet of paper. Alice’s name—and none resembling it—were among the list. “And here is a list of all the lawyers who have worked here at some point.” He gave me a few more papers to skim, none of which had Alice’s name. We both sat in silence for a moment, then I thanked him and left.

Maybe Pippa gave us the wrong law firm? She didn’t seem like she would forget the name, or like she had any reason to lie. I tried to think of other paths to follow to find Alice’s firm when Thompson called.

“Hey. Did you find the brother?”

“Well, I actually never got around to looking him up…” His voice trailed off and then he was silent.

“Um. Okay. Why? Did something happen? Something else come up?”

“Well since Pippa didn’t know the brother’s name I started by looking Alice up to search known relatives. I didn’t get far because Alice Lane doesn’t seem to exist. There’s no record, no birth certificate, nothing. I called you hoping you’d have found something.”

I put together the little information we had in my head. When I tried to think of what Pippa told us, I realized she never even provided us with a photo. She didn’t have names of any mutual friends or family members of Alice.

“Detective?” Thompson broke my thoughts.

“Yes, sorry. I actually hit a dead end too. There isn’t any and there never has been an Alice Lane working at Kaye & Palmer.”

“Pippa gave us the wrong firm?”

“I don’t know if she did… Not intentionally. No trace of Alice Lane at all on both fronts seems like more than a coincidence.”

“So what are you thinking?”

“We need to talk to Pippa again.”

Pippa

I think I cried on the floor by my front door for a solid hour, although it felt like much longer. I felt like every molecule in my body was exploding and trying to escape. Trying to escape the pain flooding every crack. Every minute that went by where I didn’t know where Alice was felt like hours, and I felt myself break more and more with each passing second.

When I finally pulled myself from the floor I collapsed on the couch. I called Alice again, only to be met with the dumb phone lady. I tried to maintain steady breathing, but felt darkness coming in from all sides as panic filled my body. I was thinking of all the potentially awful scenarios Alice could be in right now. I know I probably sound dramatic; it had only been a few hours, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something awful happened, and that I might never see her again.

I spent the day reminiscing on our memories with a glass of wine in my hand. I made Alice’s favorite mac and cheese for dinner and watched “Titanic,” her favorite movie. I fell asleep on the couch part way through.

I woke up the following day to a knock on the door. The cops were back.

“Hi Pippa, do you mind if we come in?” Detective Hale asked when I opened the door. Officer Clay was with her, along with another woman. She was standing behind the cops, and was wearing jeans and a pale pink button down shirt. She had thin glasses covering her face and black hair cut into a bob. She reminded me of an owl that people associate with libraries.

“Um. Yeah come on in. Have you found anything?”

“Pippa, this is Doctor Ortiz. She’s a psychologist we’ve asked to join us today.”

Doctor Ortiz gave me a reassuring smile, but her presence alone left me feeling uneasy.

“Why is that? I don’t understand.”

“Please have a seat Pippa.” Officer Clay said.

I sat down on my couch and Doctor Ortiz sat in the seat across from me. Detective Hale and Officer Clay sat down next to us.

“Hi Pippa. You can call me Kyra. Detective Hale contacted me to deliver their findings to you about your partner.”

“Why? What happened? Where is Alice?”

“Try and stay calm. I know this is going to be difficult to hear.”

When told to stay calm, who actually stays calm? If anything, that's going to make me feel worse. Regardless, I remained quiet while Kyra continued.

“When visiting the law offices of Kaye & Palmer, Detective Hale found no record of Alice Lane working there, nor any history of her working there. And when searching for her brother, Officer Clay looked into Alice’s record, which didn’t exist. Further research has shown to them that Alice Lane is not actually a real person…” She spoke calmly and clearly, but with each word she said I grew more agitated.

“Excuse me? What the fuck are you even saying? Of course she’s a real person!”

“Do you have any pictures of Alice?”

“Of course!”

“May we see them?”

“Fine.” I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my camera roll. Everyone sat in silence and watched me. Several awkward minutes passed as I failed to produce any pictures of my girlfriend. “No. No, she's real. She has red hair and green eyes. We met at a bar. She likes mac and cheese and rabbits.” I felt myself slipping. Every moment I shared with Alice felt further away.

“Pippa, what is Alice’s phone number?” Detective Hale joined the conversation.

I told her the number and she typed it into her own phone.

“Why? What are you doing?”

“I’m having someone at the station trace her number. They just responded, informing me that it’s a dead number that has been inactive for years.”

I held my hands to my head, feeling like I was about to explode. Memories were coming back to me, but not Alice memories. Memories of living here alone. Everything in this apartment belongs to me, only me.

“Yesterday,” I whispered, “I woke up in a cold sweat. I had been dreaming about her.”

I broke down crying. Detective Hale and Officer Clay left, saying something to Kyra about closing the case. Kyra said goodbye to them and stayed with me.

This whole time, Alice was a dream.

3 Years Later

Alice

Dreams are freaky. The reality of them is what can either terrify us, or break our hearts. Sometimes it’s the completely real terror of a monster in a dream that convinces a kid that there’s one hiding under his bed. Other times it’s the unbreakable bond between two people formed in a dream that makes it impossible for one to let go. I was never real, but the idea of me in Pippa’s dream was.

What we had in her dream was like a movie montage. We locked eyes across a bar, knowing instantly we would be important to one another. We stayed up all night talking, falling in love with every single part of each other. She surprised me with flowers and I made her dinner each night. I comforted her when her anxiety took hold, and she supported me when I was stressing over work. We talked about traveling the world someday—even in her dream we had dreams. The persona of me her mind created was more real than most of the people in her life. If you had that strong of love with someone wouldn’t you break at the realization that it’s gone? Or worse—that it never existed?

Some part of me is real, and lives on in Pippa’s mind. It’s been 3 years since she lost me, and since then she’s grown as a person. She’s grown strong and cultivated positive routines. Some people might never see her the way I do after what happened. I can only hope that one day she’ll find someone outside of her head who can love her the way I have, who fills the spot of her brain that created me.