For once, I wasn't scared

It's scary sometimes ... confusing and scary. The world around me has changed so much, but it feels the same. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the one who has changed. Has the world really become so corrupt or am I just realising it now what people are capable of? I see danger around every corner now. Nowhere to hide or escape from it all. If was looking at this current world through the eyes of a child would it seem scary or would it be just another challenge, a game, a make believe monster to defeat? I don't think the world has changed, I don't think the people have really changed either. I've just become cynical, something I swore I'd never be.

At 18 I was scared, but hopeful. I had my whole life to look forward to. I got my first job, flipping burgers, not the worst thing I could be doing at eighteen. The air felt fresh the day I started my first job, learning to be an adult and all. To be honest I had no clue what I was doing. All I knew was that I had aspirations. Hopes for the future. No grand career plan but I knew I wanted to experience life, really get out there and see what it's all about. I could feel it then the world was so dark and cynical around me. I promised myself that night that I wouldn't become like them. I'd stay young and ambitious. Nothing could touch me. I knew deep down that that wasn't really how things worked but it didn't bother me. My heart hurt a little thinking of my future and how uncertain it was but that's what life was all about, making choices for yourself and living with the uncertainty of change. It felt right to tell myself I wouldn't change. It felt safe. I knew it would eventually change and for once that didn't scare me.

At 25 I was on top of the world. I had finally gotten my licence a few years back. I'd gotten into my first real relationship. I was late for alot of things, like I went on my first date when I was 19 had my first kiss when I was 22 and only really fell in love when I was 24. We lasted a year. I thought he was the one. It really hurt when he said he didn't feel the same anymore. That night I sat in bed wondering why people fell in and out of love. Do we become interesting at different intervals? Is it that they realise you just aren't as funny as they thought you were? Was it because I changed? Was it because he did? I still loved him. Part of me still does even 10 years later. You never really forget your first love. The idea of falling out of love used to terrify me. I hated the idea of losing something so good ... but you don't lose the memories , those are the really good parts.

I changed jobs a couple of times , the uncertainty of not having a steady income scared me ,but then again so much scared me. I was still uncertain I still didn't like change. But I always made it back on my feet. I lived with my mom and we split rent so I had a lot of money left over to spend. I got an opportunity many my age didn't. I could live without that real fear of possible homelessness. I had a backboard to fall back on if need be. I felt bad about it. I felt like I was taking advantage. Now that I look back on it , I wasn't. We helped each other, I think I just felt bad because I saw myself as over-bearing. I never really thought about it though because I refused to pity myself. I was twenty-five and on top of the world I didn't have time to feel bad! I did anyway. For once , that didn't scare me

At 30... at 30 I knew I had something alot of other people lost. It took me so long to figure out what it was , like waiting at the door , thinking you've left something behind but you're in such a rush you say " it doesn't really matter I'll remember it later", only to realise you weren't actually missing anything. It was in your pocket the entire time. I realised this while walking in the forest. I liked to hike, it made me feel small and like I was part of such a big world. I would walk and listen to the sounds around me. When I put my foot down on a branch it would make such a grand crunching noise and in the moment I realise I was in love with life. I had been single for 3 years and getting used to it but I wasn't devastated like the last time. I couldn't figure out why but I wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. I was in love with life, I found joy in being alive

I loved myself. I was comfortable... I was happy ... I think I had been for a long time. Everything around me was changing, the seasons , my friends , myself. I think I was getting used to it. I wondered if that's what growing up really meant. I was 30 and still felt like I wasn't an adult. I wondered when people really started feeling like adults. I don't think it really matters

And now , at 35 I was scared. Not for myself. I have grown enough , felt enough seen enough to take change in stride. To not be scared of the world around me, no, I was scared for the life I had just brought into the world. I looked around and wondered if I was already a bad mother for bringing life into such a dark place. I tried to cheer myself up by saying , this generation will make it better , like my generation made the last a little better. I remember the stress I felt at 18 , the stress to save the world. Sign this petition go to rallies. Donate blood. Fight for your country. Change your whole way of living to save the planet. I remember how I felt knowing that people saw us as the generation to fix everything. I remember it scared me. I decided It is my daughters responsibility to shoulder the weight of a dying planet. I wasn't going to raise her on the notion that her generation had to fix my generations mistakes. I was scared. I didn't know the first thing about being a parent and this was one of the biggest changes of my life. I looked down at the tiny figure lying in the crib as I rocked her to sleep. I knew what she would go through ... maybe not exactly or specifically, but I felt in that moment the pain she would go through. I thought back on my life and realised how much I had grown and learned to embrace change. I was still soft , I was still in love with life , maybe a bit cynical but only enough to be safe. And now I had to learn how to teach all I had learned in the past 30 years to my child.

People grow, people change, people evolve. I will have to learn to change with my child. Change used to scare me. but now, for once , it didn't scare me.