Thoughts

A week ago:

So, Sarah, how’s it going? Oh, wait, no, I forgot-

No, it’s fine. You can call me Sarah.

Alright. So, anything cool happen?

Here? No. Did you expect anything cool to happen?

No but…I thought it would have gotten better, now that your dad is sending money.

Better financially, but Mom is still so hurtful and it’s hard being near her. Whenever I go near her, I see a cloud of dark smoke and it feels so oily and grimy and wrong. 

That’s the hallucinations talking.

I know but….I just wish I wasn’t here. I wish I didn’t have to deal with her. I wish I could just run away.

You should.

Huh?

Yes. It’s getting really bad there. You need to leave and get somewhere safe.

Can I, though? I would need a job and all…

You’re turning 18 next week, remember? As soon as you become an adult, you can just run away. It’ll be tough, but you’re only one person and you don’t need much. Later, if you save up enough money, you can go to college.

That sounds…amazing, but….you wouldn’t be there.

No, but we can stay in touch online. We’ll do phone calls, text messages. I’ll send you heaps of GIFs on your birthday.

It won’t be the same.

Sarah, I don’t want you to leave either. but….it’s for the best.

So….we’re going long-distance, then?

Yep.

I don’t think I can do that. It took long enough to learn how to be a girlfriend, I can’t do that all over again.

You don’t need to learn anything, Sarah. You’re so kind and empathetic, you’ll get the hang of it.

Thanks, that….means a lot. I…need to go now. Mom’s calling.

Alright. Tell me before you leave.

I will.

A week later:

Phase 1, begin.

Honey, there you are! Why’d it take you so long to wash your hands?

I-I just wanted to put on soap p-properly…

I’d laugh, but this is real life. Good thing I’m not you.

Honey, sweetie, don’t stammer like that. It’s unbecoming. Honestly, did I raise you this way? Look at you, cowardly as a mouse.

Now, what are you waiting for? Sit down and eat, aren’t you hungry?

I wouldn’t sit down next to you even if I was starving to death. 

Well-

Oh, it’s those snacks, isn’t it? I knew having ice cream would do something to your head. From now on: no snacks.

Then what do I eat?

What do I eat? Sarah, for goodness sake, you’re acting like we’re starving you. You can eat some fruit, some nuts, there’s food in the house. What, you think we don’t feed you properly?

No, no, I didn’t say that!

You’d better not have. Now, stop shaking, Jesus Christ you’re thin. Eat more food, here, eat.

But I don’t…

Eat, Sarah. And don’t talk back.

That’s it, I’m sick of this crap. Let’s go. Let’s go!

I…need to go to the bathroom.

The bathroom? Sarah, you don’t have diarrhea or something, do you? 

No.

Alright, fine, go, but come back soon. 

Jesus Christ, that girl! So ungrateful, and so cowardly. Those are the kinds of girls that get eaten up like candy. Good thing I’ve never been one of ‘em.

Alright, we’re in. Phase 2, begin.

Phase 2? What is this, a CIA mission?

It could be.

Wait, could it?

It is! It’s a CIA mission!

Wait, is it though?

I don’t know, is it? 

It’s fine, I’m fine, it’s normal, I’m normal….

I shall beg to differ on all four statements.

I sHaLl BeG tO dIfFeR oN aLl FoUr StAtEmEnTs.

I hate you.

I hate you too.

Why, oh why, was I born this way?

Kaizen, don’t speak out loud, you idiot, people will hear!

But we’re in a bathroom stall, and besides her name isn’t Kaizen.

That’s the name she picked! 

But we’re not Japanese. We don’t even look Japanese. At all.

Well, she wants it, so she can have it, can’t she?

Oh, come on guys, just stop already…

But we can’t. 

Besides, it’s not like we’re real. We’re just figments of your imagination.

Annoying figments of my imagination.

Exactly-wait what?

Ha, she got you!

Shut up. Ok, she’s changed clothes, good. Phase 3, begin.

Steady hand, Kaizen. Steady. This makeup must be perfect.

We can’t wear makeup like this for the rest of our lives.

We just need to get out of this town. After that, the rest of our lives will be fine.

Alright, makeup done. Verdict?

Verdict, jeez, I’m not a judge or anything-

Focus!

You’re one to talk, but anyway, the makeup is good. No one will know.

Phase 3-

4, idiot, 4.

Wait, no it isn’t. Is it?

We did 2, so it’s 3, I think. What’s 2 +1?

I don’t know! I can’t carry all those numbers! 

Okay, fine, Phase 4, then. 

Phase 4, begin. 

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god-

Shut up! You’re not making it easier, you know.

If someone sees us-

No one’s gonna look in a bathroom stall.

But what if they did? Oh, I think I see someone, over there! There! Look!

There’s no one there. Wait, is there?

There is! I think. Wait, what?

What?

Is there someone?

No, just another delusion.

Oh, alright.

I wish we didn’t have delusions. Or schizophrenia at all.

Then we wouldn’t exist.

Exactly.

Wait, so you’re saying you want to kill yourself?

No, I’m saying that I’d do anything to get you to go away.

Oh, that’s a good one.

Thank you.

Focus, we have other things to worry about. The note’s set. Should we use the rope or-

Yeah, just put it on the floor.

Alright, there, just like that. Good. Get the stuff, we’re done.

And…we’re out! Kaizen, stop breathing so hard, it’s suspicious. Relax, straight posture, no, hunched posture, wait, no, I-

Not again. Fine, Kaizen, I’ll take over. Just walk out, there, more natural, good

What if they notice?

Shhhhh, you’re outside now, be quiet. Don’t worry, you look like a completely different person. No one will know.

Will they know?

No. Just walk out. One, two, three, there. We’re done.

We’re out?

Finally. 

Alright, so next step?

Let’s do that later. For now, we’re free. Different clothes, different makeup, and our suicide looks believable. From now on, we can do whatever we want. We can write, we can paint, we can choose our job, we can choose our friends, we can-

Eat a whole container of ice cream?

I….wouldn’t say that, but sure, Kaizen. Whatever you want.