After the Garden

3 A.M, Thursday, September 17th

Adam:

hey are you awake? i really need to talk to you.

3:03 A.M

maybe i shouldn’t have said ‘need’. i really, really want to talk to you.

3:08

but it’s basically like needing to

3:20

eva please talk to me. i know that you probably hate me, and to be honest you probably should, but please just listen

3:30

 so i’m just going to say this, ok? and you don’t have to respond or anything, i just need you to read this and know that i am so so sorry. and i know that just saying sorry is never enough, and y’know what, maybe it shouldn’t be, but i am. so. sorry. 

do you remember when we were kids and we were in your mom’s garden and i dared you to climb the apple tree to get that apple at the tippy top that neither of us could reach? you climbed up, even though you totally sucked at climbing trees and by the time you were like halfway up i started to really, really regret giving you the dare, because i just knew something bad was going to happen. i was so freaking surprised when you made it all the way to the top, like i was so sure that you weren’t going to, and i started to clap like crazy when you picked that apple. i don’t know how it happened; maybe i distracted you, or you just lost your footing, but all of the sudden you were laying on the ground in front of me, and your arm was all twisted and you were white as a ghost. you didn’t blame me for the fall or breaking your arm, but i knew that it was really my fault. i felt so guilty that i couldn’t eat for days, and whenever i saw that cast on your arm i wanted to cry, even though you kept telling me not to feel bad, and you let me draw the white plaster to make me feel better.

for my whole life since that day when i was eight years old i believed that hurting you, even inadvertently, was the worst thing that i had ever done. now, at eighteen, hurting you is still the worst thing that i have ever done, but unlike last time I can’t draw a string of misshapen daisies on a cast to make everything better. this time i don’t think there is anything i can ever do to make it better. so, eva, all i can do is tell you how very, very sorry i am, and i would do anything in this world to make you understand that. 

7:30 p.m, Saturday

Eva:

if you don’t think that you can do anything to make this okay, then why are you even trying.

Adam:

eva! thank you so much for texting me.. i honestly didn’t expect you too.. i’m trying because i made a huge mistake and i know for a fact that it can never be ok, but i am hoping so so much that maybe one day we can be ok.

Eva:

wow. pretty damn presumptuous of you to assume that you can just say a few magic words and i’ll just instantly be able to move forward.

Adam:

i don’t think that though! not for one second would i assume that! i don’t think that it’s going to be easy, but i would never, ever give up on you. 

Adam:

eva? are you there?

Eva:

yeah but i don’t know why i am. i’m not a masochist, but here i am for whatever stupid, self destructing reason that may be.  

Adam:

it’s not stupid, i promise you won’t regret hearing me out.

Eva:

so? talk, adam

Adam:

i love you, and you’re the only girl that i have ever, and will ever, love. i know i made a seriously horrible mistake, but please know that that’s all it ever was: a mistake. and i love you more than i ever have before.

Eva:

i don’t know what you want me to say, adam. that i forgive you? that because you say that you love me it makes it okay that you screwed that girl? 

Adam:

no! i don’t know how many times i have to say that nothing i can say will make it ok. i just want you to know how very sorry i am, and it was a stupid, terrible mistake, but you mean more to me then anyone else in this world, and i don’t know what i would do without you.

Eva:

cute line. why don’t you go and use it on some other girl who’s stupid enough to fall for your bullshit. goodbye, adam.

Adam:

no please! there is no other girl, there never was! it was only one night, and in the scheme of our entire lives, how much can one night matter?

Adam:

eva? Please don’t go

Adam:

eva, please

4:15 a.m, Sunday

Eva:

y’know, i don’t even know why i’m actually texting you back, but i hope you’re happy because you got your freaking wish.

and to answer your completely earth-shatteringly insightful question, (please be sure to note the sarcasm): i haven’t been able to fall asleep tonight, and i was trying to figure out a way to phrase what i was going to say to most adequately communicate your own absurdity to you, and about thirty minutes ago i figured out the perfect analogy. 

remember how junior year i took psychology because i thought it would be these great reflection on the mind, but it turned out to be a complete waste of time because all it was was memorizing dead men with beards who sat in chairs and wrote down their incomprehensible theories for us poor fools to analyze a hundred years later? anyway, i had thought that i had forgotten i everything i learned from that class, but then i remembered learning about edward lorenz, who was the first person who talked about the butterfly effect. 

he said that one action, however seemingly insignificant as it may be, can have the power to change absolutely everything. and i remembered that in class we all had to think up these examples, and this one girl said something that i guess made an impact on me because i still remember it. she said what if something happened and hitler’s mom hadn’t met his dad, or maybe they did meet, but something happened and they got separated, or the chemistry just wasn’t there, and they never created him, and think about the impact that would make on the world today if world war two never had never happened, if thousands of people hadn’t been driven from their homes and stuff. then this girl told us to think about it on an even smaller scale; what if our grandparents had never met, what if they never made eye contact in a room, or bumped into each other on the sidewalk, or got set up by a friend or relative. then our parents wouldn’t have been born, or maybe they would have, but not as the human being that we know them as. anyway, if that happened then we wouldn’t be here right now, living our life, sitting at these desks, falling in love. maybe we would be floating somewhere in a peaceful limbo, or maybe we would be the person that we’re sitting next to, but the point is nothing would be as it is. 

so, you tell me adam: in the scheme of our whole lives, how much can one night matter?

i think you know the answer. 

9:20 a.m, Sunday

Adam:

what if something had been different and the big bang hadn’t happened and this whole universe had never been created from tiny meaningless particles and stardust? what if all it would have taken was one second for all that is to never have been created? what if a butterfly randomly flapped its wings in New Mexico and a tsunami killed your parents when they were on their honeymoon in Bali and you were never created? the point is, there are thousands of what ifs and possibilities, but the most important thing is that the two of us are here right now and i love you so effing much and i’m pretty sure that you still love me, and that one moment does not have to have the power to ruin all of what we do have. 

because maybe there was a moment right before the big bang happened where something went wrong in the cosmos or wherever all this creation took place, but that doesn’t really matter now, because the important thing is that it did happen, despite whatever temporarily slowed it down. it happened in an extraordinary explosion of stars that created this world, that in a way, created you and me, and so don’t we at the very least owe it to the universe to not give up yet? to see what we can still become, despite that one moment?

4:48 p.m, Sunday

Eva:

so in a hundred or so years a bunch of poor kids will be stuck in a classroom reading your diary, right?

Eva:

i can’t really picture you with a beard though

Adam:

maybe i’ll start a new trend of beardless philosophers!

Eva:

yeah maybe

Adam:

and i’ll attribute all of my success to you. in my diaries or writings or whatever i’ll list you as my philosophical muse.

Eva:

maybe i don’t want to be mentioned in philosophical books. 

Adam:

you don’t have to be. i can just call you my nameless muse who should really be the one taking credit for all this meaningless bullshit that all you students are being forced to analyze.

Eva:

ok 

Adam:

so…. does this mean that you want to give me, give us, a second chance?

Eva:

i think that your ‘philosophical muse’ is going to be the one that left you at eighteen. it’ll actually help your writing though, it’s pointless to write about someone who is actually there, and plus all of the greats were always pining after someone.

Adam:

what do you mean, eva? is this you saying no, that i’m the fool who thinks that a few well written texts can make up for everything?

Eva:

you’re words not mine

Adam:

how can you so casually break my heart?

Eva:

oh shut up, adam. don’t go cry to me about your heart when you have very obviously shown that you could care less about mine. why don’t you go cry to that other girl, i’m sure that she could make you feel better.

Adam:

please don’t do this

i would literally do anything

anything at all

Eva:

can you turn back time, adam? because unless you can go back to that moment when you decided to get on top of that other girl and make your past self remember that you are in love with someone else, then i don’t have anything more to say to you. 

Adam:

if i could you know i would 

Adam:

eva, please, i can’t imagine a world without you.

Adam:

eva?

Adam:

don’t do this to me, please

Adam:

i love you

Adam:

and i always will, so whenever you are ready, i will be right here.

◇

7:14 p.m, Wednesday, March 3rd

Eva:

hey, adam are you there?

9:45 p.m

Adam:

wow, it’s been so long. how are you?

Eva:

i’m ok.. it was weird seeing you the other day.

Adam:

yeah. i didn’t think that you went to parties like that.

Eva:

well i didn’t used to, but it’s been a long time and a lot has changed.

Eva:

ok. that’s kind of a lie, i don’t usually go to parties like that, but my friend convinced me to go with her because there was this guy she likes who was going to be there and she didn’t want to have to show up by herself. 

Adam:

i get that. so you’re a wingman now?

Eva:

a reluctant one, but i suppose you could say that

Adam:

i see. listen i’m sorry about the way i acted when i saw you the other day. i was kind of drunk and it was really shocking to see you.

Eva:

i know, i felt the same way. it kind of felt like i was seeing a ghost, y’know? 

Adam:

yeah.. you looked beautiful 

Adam:

i know that i shouldn’t say that, and i’m probably not even allowed to say it either, but honestly i don’t really care.

Eva:

thanks. i cut my hair because i just felt like a needed a change or a fresh start or something, but now i’m just super self conscious about it.

Adam:

well it looks amazing on you. you looked lighter, somehow.

Adam:

and i don’t mean highlights or any of that girly stuff you guys put in your hair because you think it makes you look like you just got back from the beach, but like you seemed a little more carefree.

Eva:

thanks.. i guess.

Adam:

so.. how have your classes been going?

Eva:

can we not do this please? pretend like we don’t know each other, or that we’re long-lost friends that time has turned into strangers? 

Adam:

ok. i don’t like it any more than you do, but to be honest i don’t know what to say. i’m afraid that i’ll say the wrong thing and you’ll completely stop talking to me again, and i can’t stand for that to happen twice.

Eva:

i’m not going to stop talking to you… at least not right yet.. i wanted to talk to you because seeing you the other day reminded me of all of the memories that we have together, and i don’t know, i guess that tonight i suddenly realized that anything could happen and i would have to spend the rest of my life knowing that i would never talk to you again.

Adam:

so basically you decided to text me when you realized that i could die any day? 

Eva:

you make it sound weird.

Adam:

no! i swear that’s not what i’m trying to do, it means the world to me that you reached out and don’t you think that i’ve thought the same thing a thousand times over these past months? And i’m so sorry if you think that i gave up because i never texted you, i just thought that anything i could say wouldn’t make a difference, and you needed space..

Eva:

i’m actually really glad you haven’t texted me adam.. i’ve needed time to think.. but now i think i’m ready to hear you out.

Adam:

thank you so much, and listen, i’ve written what i would say to you countless times in my head, but thinking about them now they all seem superfluous, so i’m just going to really speak from my heart here, okay?

i forgot. for the four hours that it took to completely screw up my entire life i completely forgot about you. And i know that it probably sound horrible, but it’s the truth because that night when i was too drunk to remember my own name, i forgot that i was in love with the most beautiful, caring, sweet girl in the world, and that i wanted, (and i still do), to spend the rest of my life with her. i forgot and so when the drunk girl kissed me and pulled me into the bedroom, all i could think about was how nice her hair smelled, and not how when you smiled at me it felt like looking into the sun. and when you laughed i felt your happiness in me. i forgot the little girl in the garden, the beautiful girl i fell in life with in every way imaginable. i forgot, for those ten minutes i spent with that nameless, faceless girl, that you meant more to me then anything else. and yes, eva, i know that it sounds cliche as hell, but it’s the truth. 

Eva:

wow. that’s a pretty huge thing to forget, huh?

Adam:

i know, i really do. but i can swear to you that i will never, ever forget again, because for these past few months my life has been empty without you. 

Adam:

You complete me, eva, and i forgot who i am without you.

Eva:

that sounds like one of the five factors of a toxic relationship that we learned about in freshman year health class.

Eva:

i’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say. 

the truth is, i don’t really know what to say. i’ve missed you so much, adam, and even though i’ve told myself a thousand times that you don’t deserve me, i really need you. 

i don’t think that i’ll ever be able to forget what happened, adam, but maybe that’s okay, because i forgive you. and maybe its just that we keep going forward that really matters.

Adam:

thank you, eva. 

thank you for putting my world back together.

i love you.

3 a.m 

Eva:

i know you’re sleeping now, but i just feel like i have to say this. 

remember when you told me that story of when we were young and in the garden and i climbed the tree for that apple and fell and broke my arm?

you told me how you blamed yourself, and although i didn’t tell you then, when i read that i was really surprised.

because all i remember from that day in the garden when we were young and innocent and happy was that when i fell, you were next to me right away, and you wouldn’t leave my side. 

and you took my small hand in yours, and no matter what, you wouldn’t let go. that’s what i remember.