If Only

Stuck in her head, Lila pulled the church’s door open, going over in her mind which prayers to say and when. Her first Confession was a little awkward - staring at Father Brown, unable to hear him over the blood in her ears, though Father Brown was helpful in the later ones; Lila now sat behind the curtains. Scuffing her boots on the soaked mat, Lila felt as though this winter was worse than last. Heading towards the back pews, Lila wondered if she'd see Heidi or Lee. Her palms began to sweat. Reaching into her pocket she felt for her keys and found her prayer beads.  

A small woman with pearl white hair zipped across the gathering area. Behind her glasses she winked at Lila, Nancy must have been in a good mood today. She knew the deacon's wife would be here since so many babies had been born and were in need of baptisms. The need for Confession was always available though. Lila gave a small wave and headed straight for the pews. Six eyes glanced her way, her jacket beginning to feel snug, and she gave a straight smile hoping to quietly sit down.

A teenager came out of the confessional with a red, plaid jacket, and matching boots. Lila wished she would have dressed that cool when she was younger. If only she could turn back time and have the confidence she has now. Lila would probably have made different friends, not gotten into trouble, and gotten hurt for all the wrong choices she had made. This thought made Lila's heart sink so she gripped her prayer beads for strength. Strength to turn back time.

As the people moved down the pew, Lila’s coat got more snug around her. She had no choice but to unzip, making her feel exposed. A man leaning on his cane crossed her path and mumbled the Our Father. If only Lila was there more for her family, she wouldn't feel like such an outcast. She thought about how she would spend time in her room unsure of everything going on inside and outside of herself. Her hand shook against a bead.

Lila's breath began to quicken and sweat slicked her back. She fumbled with three more beads. Her dad had accepted her way of life with the farm and being sober. The farm life seems to help you stay out of your head, I'm proud of you Lila, it's about time. If only she accepted her truth ten years ago, she would have never burned bridge after bridge with him. Perhaps the family photo in the office would include her as well. A bead slipped between Lila's thumb and pointer. Rolling it slowly, her chest rose with the confidence of a new bridge being constructed between them as father and daughter.

A tall man with light features slowly closed the door to Father Brown. His boots were torn at the toes and mud stained them. He wore soft green eyes under blond hair and a cap that had seen a few hard winters. Lila pondered what he would ever have to confess. The tall man passed Lila as she reached the crucifix of her rosary. Whatever cross he carried it must be bigger than hers. If only she was as hard working as him, maybe she could achieve all the dreams that passed through her mind. Lila would be that famous actor who everyone wanted to be. If only she had the drive she had learned over the years - the drive to make her past dreams come true.

Reaching the feet of her Savior, Lilia drew a breath of assurance, it was her turn. The last month had been uneventful and she had felt good with her soul, still she had to confess for herself. Slowly standing, Lila noticed a tall woman in yellow glasses nod to her. Heidi was wearing her usual fingerless gloves and matching coat. Lila always felt happy around her, and Heidi’s little nod gave her the confidence to continue to the confessional.

The door reminded her of school, with a black plaque holding Father Brown in golden letters. An earthy smell calmed Lila as she stepped into the room. The sun warmed a green cushioned chair in the corner. Lila’s hand grazed the wood that held the lace curtain, beneath it a brown kneeler. Closing the door, she collapsed onto it. 

A tremble ran up her spine as Lila confessed. There were times that she felt she needed to sound formal and precise but Father Brown assured her that the words are not what matter most but the want for forgiveness in them. True forgiveness as Lila remembered from the Right of Christian Initiation of Adults.  She sinned so much during her life, yet today was focused on recent sins. Sins that she could fully forgive herself for and avoid to the best of her ability in the future. Today her sins felt small, as she did. Forgiveness seemed to be the driving force of her motivation to do better.

“Thanks be to God.” Lila’s words released the tension in her chest. Father Brown cleared his throat, “stay after if you wish I’d like to talk to you more. See if you can track down Nancy.” She was taken aback by Father’s offer, then she thought that maybe she had done something wrong in her confession. Lila left the room with a shaky feeling in her bones. Father Brown didn’t know who she was and the exit seemed very welcoming right now. The beads in her pocket brushed her hand as she felt for her keys. They still felt warm from before.

Lila gripped the beads harder against her palm. She remembered the first time she held a rosary, that was a time she wished she could turn back to. How light the beads felt, the soft pink coloring that glowed in the dark; a child’s rosary in a time when she least wanted to be treated like a kid. Given to her from the least expecting person, her roommate in the desert treatment dorms. Brooke had always been cheering Lila on in the sports they were able to play. They would play card games and try to remember raps or make them up all together. Lila didn’t know that Brooke was Catholic until the center contacted a priest. That night she handed Lila the rosary and truthfully Lila thought it was a necklace at first. Once Brooke explained, Lila kept it in her pillowcase until she left. Then it was thrown into a random bag and probably accidentally donated; Lila didn’t know. Releasing the rosary in her pocket, she turned to go find Nancy.

Nancy was sorting through a stack of papers in the common area of the church. She was seated on the floor and swiftly checking names on the top of each page. Lila stumbled over a crack in the floor, her boot making a squeak as she did. Escaping to her car sounded like a great idea about now. “Lila! I need your help!” Nancy waved. Lila walked quicker to her not wasting a moment to change her train of thought. “Hi, I’m just waiting for Father.” Lila felt as though she was talking to herself as Nancy handed her a stack. “Join me while you wait.”

A squeaking sound brought Lila out of the repetitive task of alphabetizing papers. Father Brown’s black laced boots marked the crack Lila met earlier. His blue eyes looked weary but his smile brightened the rest of his face. He approached her and Nancy with a quick pace, hands in his pockets. Lila wondered if he was using his prayer beads.

“Thank you for helping me Lila, this went much faster.” Nancy stood and left, giving Lila a comforting smile and leaving Father Brown a chance to sit. 

“I’m happy to see you Lila. How have you been?”

“Honestly, I’ve been in my head.” Lila whispered, twirling her beads in her fingers.

“It seems that your mind wishes to turn back time, however, your hand keeps you here in the present. How long have you wanted to turn back time?” Father’s hands were now palms up on his lap.

Lila’s heart strangled her throat, “my whole life.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“I wish I could turn back to stop myself.” Her body shook with the truth of her words.

“Stop yourself from what?” Father Brown blurted, a small pause between them seemed to focus the air around them. “Answer only if you're comfortable.”

“From myself I guess,” Lila switched her legs.

Father made a small hum deep in his throat. “Which part of you are you wishing to go back to? Are you wishing for this version of you,” Father motioned to her, “in those times?”

“I wish I knew what I know now.” Her shoulders sank. The car seemed like a better idea than sitting here. Lila wondered if this choice was the wrong one. She felt stuck in her body, barely being able to breathe. Focusing on Father’s boots, she noticed how the laces were braided with light blue string. The blue reminded her of the beads in her pocket. 

“Do you wish for a different journey?”

“No”, the word jumped from Lila’s mouth. 

“I am going to ask you a few questions and all I ask is that you listen.” Father Brown shifted in his seat. “Did Christ know what was to come before He accepted His Cross? The answer is yes, of course. For He is God and is all-knowing, but you my child are not. You have the knowledge of your past, you have the knowledge of your present, but you can only guess the future. Your future self might be sitting and wishing to go back to this time you are in now and change things. Small things, big things, but still the want to change something is there. The want for control in the uncontrollable is there. This is all very human and when looking at it from a different angle I would say very humbling as well. For we cannot turn back time. We cannot change what has been done. We are simple beings with simple paths. Instead of wishing to turn back time, reflect on what moments you wish to go back to. What would you accomplish if you took the lessons you learned then, and applied them now? Was it truly your clothes that made a difference? Or was it the confidence in yourself? You will never turn back time. Meditation and prayer can help you reflect and find answers that only God knows. Perhaps you will time travel to a future you will be proud of. Perhaps you will simply accept the past and just be.”

Sitting in silence, Lila pondered on how she would feel being proud of herself. 

“What if I turn vain?” 

Father Brown laughed softly. “If you’re asking that question and you can’t find a time when you were, then I’m not worried about you being vain.” The sound of chimes escaped his pocket, snapping his attention to his phone - Father pushed himself up with apologies for needing to answer. Alone Lila felt as though she was under a spotlight. With a stiff body, she got up to hide in the bathroom before Father could come back.

Sobs echoed against the tile, a young girl angrily wiped her cheeks as Lila entered. Lila’s feet froze and her heart pitied the girl in front of her. Golden braids hung behind her ears, sharp green eyes hid under smudged mascara. Lila was reminded of when she dressed up for school and accidentally spilled on her favorite shirt. If only she could turn back time and…

“Wanna trade shirts?” Lila suggested, the beads shifting in her fingers.

“I couldn’t do that,” the girl gasped. “I just wish I could turn back time before I spilled this stupid drink!” Her face reddened as an ocean of tears took over.

Lila quickly took off her coat. “Look, even though we go to church and we pray, we still suffer. I’m just trying to ease that suffering.” Lila hoped that she would take her offer. She hoped that the girl would stop crying and just accept her help.  

The girl's eyes slowly met Lila’s as she nodded her head, accepting the offer. Her shirt was tight and the stain was still wet but Lila smiled.

“Lila is my name, I’m here for morning mass on Sundays.”

“Jane.”

Father Brown stood in the gathering space and quietly waved towards Lila. She returned his wave with a smile and headed towards the exit. Each step Lila took toward her car was like a cloud. Car key in hand, she heard the quiet rattle of beads in every step. “I wish I could turn back time and stop making if only statements,” her face grew sore but she kept smiling - the wet spot in her shirt bouncing with each quiet laugh. Reaching into her pocket, the light blue beads glinted in the winter light. They almost looked alive with the shimmer of each hue and movement of the sun within them. A text from her father popped on her phone.

Lunch tomorrow?

If only he knew how much she’d love to go to lunch with him.