Discardable

The grey panorama from high up in the mountains was so open and immeasurable that my thoughts raced away and lost themselves in the vastness until I found them wandering somewhere just beyond the cloudy horizon. It was so unlike anything I had ever seen before. I froze in place, and it wasn't only for fear of dying here. The immensity and the loneliness of my new freedom overwhelmed me, and I simply couldn’t process it all for a while. I was a creature of enclosed spaces, someone who had spent her entire narrow and controlled existence in the plastic city. Its infinite palette of cheap thrills, multicolored lighting, and brash peacock-like passions and vices had been all I had ever known. I had been one of many, my body meant for pleasure. Discardable.

But, like an opiate dulling my senses, there had been an undeniable sense of comfort in that life. A life spent not making any decisions, existing only for the sake of others, and not mattering to myself. That was why it had been so terrifying when things suddenly changed. I had been on a luxurious private yacht, which was really nothing but an extension of the city. The ship had been on a pleasure trip to an uninhabited, remote planet rumored to hold many tropical islands and exotic delicacies. But something had gone wrong while it was orbiting that planet. There was no way for me to know what it was. Even if they could have, no one would have told me what was happening anyway. I was simply lucky enough to have been near one of the escape pods.

There had been the blaring of alarms, and as the ship's artificial gravity had failed, I had floated into the air and frantically guided myself through a hallway that was blinking between darkness and harsh red light. Blinking and blinking, in and out of existence — for all I knew, each period of darkness was the terminal emptiness of death. I had felt my way to the pod's hatch, my hands shaking in fear. Then once inside, I heard the pod's onboard computer tell me that the ship was in critical condition and that the pod needed to launch immediately, despite having space for up to five humans. Not being human, I was by far the lowest priority to save, but only little old me had made it aboard.

Sometimes, I still wonder if I should feel guilty about using a pod to save only myself, but there was no way to save anyone else.

The pod had sped away, and I had watched in shock as the gigantic pearl-colored ship burst into flames above me. Afterward, its smoldering remains had been gracefully crashing onto the planet below like a dying swan. Then after atmospheric entry, mountains and boreal forests had been spinning madly beneath me. I had been worried whether the pod’s thin shell could protect me from the environment. But somehow, I had made it through, and here I was, alone on a cold mountain range somewhere in the universe.

Pondering what had happened and needing a break from reality, I went back inside the pod and told it to blot out the windows. I could feel safe inside my warm little modern space, and I could try really hard to ignore the vastness of nature all around me. The pod’s power could sustain me for some time, and I could just... exist for a while longer. I'd never thought about how nice it was to exist and what it would feel like to no longer be around.

“Pod, tell me how much longer you can keep me powered,” I asked the onboard computer.

“I can provide an estimated twenty days’ worth of power for your systems. But I cannot ensure your continued survival beyond then. Please report to the nearest human crew member for assistance,” the pod's onboard computer told me emotionlessly.

“Sorry, Pod, but there aren’t any of those around,” I told it with a rueful smirk, but it didn’t say anything back.

Then I started walking around inside the small space of the pod, and I felt its center of gravity shift as it lurched jarringly to the side. And just like that, my little illusion of safety was mercilessly shattered. After all, I was on the side of a cliff! Like something that had suddenly come alive, the pod kept moving, slipping off the rock face, and I had to hurry to escape before it crashed all the way down. Running, tripping to the ground, and crawling on all fours, I barely made it outside in time to watch the pod, my safety blanket, shatter on the rocks far below.

Not twenty days anymore. Now I only had one day's worth of power left.

I thought of giving up and just staring at the view. But no, I decided to walk and explore this planet until I ran out of power. Even though I was most certainly doomed to die here, part of me was happy. I guess it was nice to be free to make my own decisions for once, even if it was only for a short while.

It was cold, grey, and cloudy, but the nature on this planet was still breathtaking as I walked past a cluster of foggy mountain lakes surrounded by thick forests. The trees weren’t the same as those I was used to. These had countless tiny leaves and thick curved branches, but they were still recognizable as trees. I walked and walked and saw many majestic sights that no one had ever seen before. It was fun to discover new things. Then it was getting dark, and gigantic swarms of firefly-like creatures were flitting around the trees and leaving electric trails behind them. I let out a delighted laugh as they whirled all around me. The feeling was enchanting. But suddenly, the swarms scattered, and I knew something was wrong. I became acutely aware that I was being hunted. It was time to move fast, but my servos weren't the most powerful, and the last person to have spent time with me had left the safety limiter on, making me even weaker.

Wild-eyed and looking around for something that could help me, I saw a large tree nearby with branches I could climb. I had to reach it and hope that whatever this predator was didn’t know how to climb. The limiter was painfully reducing my speed. But maybe by making my movements more deliberate, it made me look less fearful, less like the prey that I was. It was too scary to look back, and I thought I could sense it close behind me, getting ready to pounce. Then I was on the tree, climbing as fast as I could. If the creature could climb, then I was dead. Maybe it would stop partway through eating me when it discovered that I wasn't really made of meat. That was the real terror if I were made unable to walk. I could just imagine the torture of having to lie on the ground for the rest of the time I had. How boring and powerless that would feel!

There came soul-rattling otherworldly roars from below, and the massive tree shook. But whatever the creature was, it couldn’t climb. I looked down, trying to see it, but I couldn’t see anything in the dark. Still, sounds and feelings reached me, and it felt like a terrifying mix between a bear and an overgrown insect. I realized that I would have to wait it out, and sometimes such predators might wait a long time. My time would easily run out just waiting for this creature to leave! But no, there was a solution. I could go into hibernation mode. How did I forget? I could easily wait even for months in hibernation mode. It was risky, but then again, everything was risky, and nothing really mattered anymore, so why not?

“Good night,” I told the beast. Then I closed my eyes, and everything went dark.

I could feel the sun on my cheeks when I woke up in the morning, and my internal clock told me it was about a week later. I went down the tree, looking around fearfully, but it seemed that the creature had left. I started walking again and enjoying the sights of the planet. Everything felt so vivid, and life was so refreshing and limitless as I tried not to look at my power meter. I wanted to see as much as I could before I disappeared forever.

Then, surprise of surprises! I found a shattered old road, more a network of plant-filled cracks than a road. Maybe this place wasn’t as uninhabited as they had thought! Instinctively, I decided to follow it. Before I knew it, I had reached an intersection between a mountain river and a broken bridge. Right there at the intersection was a curious ramshackle house with a giant water wheel and several sections made of different materials. Some parts were made of wood, some were made of brick, and some seemed like they had been part of a starship in a past life. I looked at the house suspiciously, wondering who might live in such a strange place, half expecting to see the old woman who lived in a shoe and her many children. Perhaps the journey had taken me someplace after all, but now I wasn’t sure if I preferred solitude and my newfound freedom. That much was true, but it was also true that I needed power badly.

As I approached, I saw that around the house were small, cheaply constructed gun turrets. They were keeping their sights trained on me! I froze for a moment, then hurriedly hid behind the cover of the nearby underbrush. Soon a man came out of the house, and he called out to me in a friendly voice. I looked up and saw that the turrets had powered down. Tentatively, I came a bit closer and saw that he was tall, much taller than I was. He wore fine clothes that were worn with age, and his long hair and scraggly beard were greying. He had wide lips and narrow eyes. Something about him looked like he hadn't seen a woman in ages.

“Don’t be afraid. You seem like you’re running in deep low-power mode. Come, I have power for you,” he told me from afar. His offer was more than tempting, and his voice sounded kind, but it was hard to trust a stranger.

Slowly and gingerly, I approached him like a scared animal as he kept saying soothing things to me. I didn’t want to trust, but I had to. The first wave of relief came when he politely ushered me into his home, which was as eclectic and quaint on the inside as on the outside. Even greater relief flooded my entire body when I could finally plug in, sitting at his kitchen table. For a while, I couldn't speak and just sat with my eyes closed, unaware of my surroundings. He sat down opposite me, and we talked for a long time as I basked in the warmth of this unexpected second chance. He told me that his life here had been hard at first, but now he led a comfortable existence. He showed me the water wheel power generator he had constructed and a wood-burning steam power generator that could supplement it when needed. As he showed me around, I noticed tiny assistant robots and flying drones that had come out from hiding and were watching me from a safe distance. They seemed to be his pets. He said he was an old engineer who had wanted to retire someplace warm and far away, but there had been a malfunction, and he had landed here in the cold taiga with limited technology and no warp radio to send a signal off-planet.

“I’m in a similar boat. My ship went down recently,” I said.

“Yes, terrible tragedy that. I saw on the scanners that an explosion happened in orbit.”

“I want to thank you so much for helping me. But is it really okay if I stay with you?” I asked, making a flustered face. It was embarrassing to be asking a stranger for favors, but there was nothing else I could do.

“Of course, you can stay. Also, I’m Aaron. Do you have a name?” he said, shaking my hand.

“It feels terrible, but I don’t even have that much. My name was always what someone else needed it to be at the time.”

“Then I’d like to give you a permanent name if you’d like.”

“I would actually like that very much.”

“I hope you don’t mind if I name you after someone I used to know long ago. So, if you’ll accept it, I’ll name you Renata.”

A name of my own. It felt... nice.

“Renata. I’m Renata,” I said happily, my eyes widening with pleasure.

“Here, let me remove your limiter,” he said, bringing a device close to my back. I heard a popping sound, and suddenly I was free of the limiter! Small as my strength was, it felt nice to be able to use all of it.

“I'm grateful to you, Aaron. No one, and I mean no one, has ever treated me like this.”

“You know, even though you're an android, you seem to have feelings.”

“Well, as far as I know, the technology is quite advanced now. I have an enormous emotional state that's always updating, and it means I really feel... well, everything. I couldn't tell you much more about how it works, though.”

“Ah, it's good to know they're still making improvements. It's one of the things I've studied my whole life.”

“That must have been interesting.”

“It was. Have you ever wondered how one can make something like the concept of pain go beyond just a simple symbol in an artificial brain and make it become a true feeling for that artificial brain?”

“I don’t know Aaron, but it sounds like you’re going to tell me,” I said, looking down at the worn and pitted oaken kitchen table, the thought striking me that he must have made it himself a long time ago.

He was becoming animated, moving his hands. “One part of it are signals in the physiological domain, bodily responses, and the like. There's another part that's a penalty for actions that led up to the pain. The last and trickiest part is in the story we tell ourselves about it all in our mind, and the fear of more pain to come.”

“I see. That’s interesting,” I said, starting to think he was a rather odd bird. But, well, an odd bird was better than no bird at all… probably.

“I've always thought it so strange that we can now create something that feels,” he said, and the look in his eyes was becoming odd and agitated.

“I agree, it is strange,” I said, starting to gauge the distance to the door if I had to make a run for it.

"Imagine being newly created and innocent. But through no decision of your own, you were created by the wrong person. Now you must live a life filled only with pain and degradation," he said.

“You're not the wrong person, though, right?” I blurted out, suddenly acutely aware of how much larger than me he was.

There was sadness and remorse in his eyes as he stared through the window and continued speaking. “No, I'm not, Renata. But at another time, in a past life, I was the wrong person. I was one of the main architects of your kind, and I fooled myself into thinking I did everything for science.”

“Oh...” I said, not sure what to say.

“I’m sorry for scaring you, Renata. Please forgive this old man who's been alone for far too long. I shouldn't have told you those things,” he said, his eyes downcast.

“No, it's okay, Aaron. I can tell you feel sorry for what you did. I forgive you if that means anything.”

"It does mean something to me, Renata. Thank you,” he said and paused. “I know helping you won't wash away my sins, but I want to try."

“Well, one thing you could do to help would be to get me some less-revealing clothes. I never thought about it before, but now quite frankly, I’m feeling a little embarrassed.”

Aaron let out a belly laugh. "Of course, Renata, please make yourself at home. You can go to my bedroom and find whatever fits you best among my clothes, and we'll sew something nicer for you later.”

“Thank you for everything Aaron. I'm very grateful to you,” I said in relief.

“You know, it was hard for a man who used to be surrounded by so many people and by his creations to be forced to be alone here… What I mean to say is that I'm glad you're here now,” he said as I was leaving the room.

“I'll try to be good company for you, Aaron. I'm sure we'll have fun together," I said, smiling.

“Oh, and Renata, you don’t have to do any fun stuff for me, if you know what I mean. Just your companionship is more than enough.”

“Thanks, Aaron. Thanks for giving me the freedom to decide things for myself,” I said, my voice firming up.

"Of course, Renata. You get to decide your future. Maybe someday we can leave this place. Then you’ll be free to stay with me or to go wherever you want," he said, nodding his head, and I realized it was the first time someone was respecting my wishes.

Maybe it wasn’t a big deal, but it felt so good to finally be in control of something, even something so small as my own destiny.