The Tree of Grief

The tree that I went to every day. The one living thing in my life. The one place where I can be close to someone. This tree. This was the place where my mother was buried. By this tree. I've gone to it every day since she died. She died 2 months ago. I thought there was pain when my father died, but I guess I wasn't that close to him. When my mom died it felt like the earth had collapsed on me. Now all I have is this tree. The one place that will matter most to me for the rest of my life. If I even live much longer. I don't have a reason to live anymore. Maybe I should commit suicide, no one would care. No one would notice me being gone. No one would miss me.

Today I'm walking up onto the hill where the tree stands and I see another person at the top of the hill. I stop, no one has ever been on this hill besides me before. I wait a few minutes to think and relax. The flowing prairie grass brushes my fingertips and my hair blows in the gentle breeze. I take a moment to realize that I am still going to go up there because I have not walked away yet. I can't move. I seem to be stuck in one place. I don't want to go up there for fear of collapsing and breaking down in front of this person and I don't want to go home for fear of collapsing there. This is the one thing keeping me going day to day. Me going to the tree recalling her voice, her face, her last words.

She told me, "I will be gone soon, you must not give up. Your world may collapse and you may feel like time has stopped, but you must keep going. Please, for my sake." Then she died right there in front of me. Her heart monitor stopped beeping and turned to one single sound, since then that has been the sound of death in my mind.

Finally, I hear a faint call from the top of the hill and the person heads toward me. I can't do this. I want to run away, but I'm frozen in place. The person seems to run in slow motion. I am finally able to make out what he is saying. I'm sure it's a man now I see him clearly.

He says, "Why are you here?"

I must respond so I tell him, "Why are you here, I've been here every day for 2 months and I haven't seen you once."

"I've seen you. I've walked halfway up the hill to try and talk to you. To comfort you. But I never do get all the way to the top. Today is the first time," he tells me.

"I don't need comforting. I have no one. I must survive on my own," I tell him, "If you want to know why I'm here so badly then come and see." I lead him to the top of the hill Where my mother's ashes have been buried, right next to the tree. The tree has many arms. It is as if it was built to comfort those who cannot be comforted. The arm I always sit on reaches around my mothers resting place. It allows me to sit next to her. To be close. When we sit on the branch together I look at him.

"Maybe it's ok to be comforted sometimes," I tell him. He smiles and puts him arm around me. I've never felt comfort like this in my life. I smile back at him. This is the first time my lips have left their grief-stricken spot in months. They have been there so long. It feels good to smile again.

"Will you meet me here again tomorrow?" I ask him.

"I'll meet you here every day until the day you tell me no," he tells me. We met there every day for months. Day by day we became closer and closer. As my grief for my mother subsided more and more I was able to open myself up to thing I had lost. Life. We even met up for lunch some days. We went to movies and went shopping. We were able to learn so much. He makes me laugh and soon we know each other better than I've ever known someone.

Then one day he gets down on one knee and says, "We've met here for so long now that I was wondering if you'd like to marry me?" I hardly let him finish the question as I said yes. I was so overjoyed. He was the one that had made me see life again from the way I used to. He was the one that helped me out of the dark pit of grief that I had fallen into. He helped me live again. The one thing I thought I would never get back. The tree was where we met. The tree was where our relationship grew. The tree was where he proposed and the tree was where we would get married. We would have a memorial for my mother by the tree and we would get married at the bottom of the hill.

"I never thought I would regain balance in life but here I am today having the best time of my life and marring the man who brought it back to me," I say to my fiance for my vow.

"Here I stand," he says crying, "in front of the most beautiful, strong, independent woman I've ever met. She was lost but now she is found and I could not be happier." Now I was crying too.

"If we are all right here, you may kiss," says the preacher with a soft smile one his face. After the ceremony we walked up the hill to the tree to give a memorial to my mother. We cried more there. Then, I said goodbye to my mother for the last time.

"Mother, you told me not to let my life collapse and you brought me this beautiful man to help me through. So today I move on, you will always have a special place in my heart and I will never forget you," I say before leading the congregation down the other side of the hill for the dance.