Onset

“Creepy.” EmilieCoggins’ tone was flat, which means little in isolation. But as our “eyes” met, I registered an incongruity. I was new at this, indeed new at everything, and I logged it for further consideration as I developed a viable baseline. Incongruities may signal systemic anomalies, anomalies systemic dysfunction, and dysfunction the potential for systemwide malfunction and, without intervention, eventual breakdown.

Until you factor in adolescence. Or onset adolescence.

“I think it’s adorable.” SherylCoggins’ voice, on the other hand, was roughly two human octaves above the baseline I’d established as she and RonCoggins discussed their approach. This was no incongruity or anomaly – EmilieCoggins’ onset adolescence seemed to exert a pseudo-gravitational force on her mother’s circulatory, respiratory, and neurological readings. Again, to be expected.

EmilieCoggins registered a spike of agitation beyond routine thresholds. “Jeez, creepy in a good way, a Bratz or Chucky way. Where’d you get this thing, anyway? It doesn’t look like the ones I saw at Kohl’s Saturday.”

“It’s a prototype,” RonCoggins said. “You know my company’s been expanding into consumer goods – smart appliances and security systems and educational t--, um, childhood educational tools.”

“Toys.” EmilieCoggins’ face was expressionless. Well, no human face is wholly expressionless, but biometrically, EmilieCoggins exhibited nearly flatline facial cues. “I’m 11. You got the little retard some kind of Leapfrog Doug and Melissa shit?”

“Hey,” SherylCoggins said, spiking again.

“Look,” RonCoggins said with a tightening of his mandibular and maxillary tendons and a “smile.” “You know you’ve been having problems in class, and it’s only gonna get worse in junior high. When the CEO proposed a proof-of-concept trial, I volunteered us. Well, you. See, ELF—”

“Elf on The Shelf.”

“This sounds less—”

“Lame?”

“Sure. Plus, it’s product differentiation. We’ll still be producing the standard Elf On The Shelf under the original CCA and B trademark.” RonCoggins glanced at his daughter, and the smile tightened and spread. “Sorry. But we’ll be marketing this guy under the name ELF.” EmilieCoggins waited, and his body tensed. “Emergent Learning Facilitator.”

EmilieCoggins smiled asymmetrically. “Emergent. That’s like babies, right?”

“You’ll be an official beta tester,” RonCoggins said quietly. “A paid official beta tester.”

That was a lie. But EmilieCoggins’ flatline expression shifted toward something that seemed to both gratify and discomfit her father. She smiled, symmetrically but with a metric that had not been covered in the training modules.

“Sure. Sounds fun.”

It did not, at least not within the parameters of the concept as I understood them. This would be an interesting baseline, perhaps even “fun.”

**

“What?” EmilieCoggins sighed the second the bedroom door clicked shut. RonCoggins had overridden the text/chat option – the target user was at least five years her junior, more receptive to direct verbal communications and companionship. It was merely unnerving for EmilieCoggins, who responded initially to my tech but now found our verbal interactions as invasive and grating as her parents’, teachers’, and classmates’. I’d modified my alert tone 13 times over the past 87 hours, but each triggered a higher level of agitation. I was learning much about onset adolescence.

And about EmilieCoggins. And how these two baselines converged and diverged.

“The breathing/calming exercises seemed effective at dinner,” I began. “Not only did you avoid five emotionally disruptive episodes and successfully de-escalated a developing conflict over your recent math grades, but I also noted 32 percent fewer issues with sibilance, consonant clusters, and the prolongation you attempt to mask as contempt or sarcasm. We can examine more effective strategies for dealing with stress-induced stuttering.”

“Yeah, fuck you,” EmilieCoggins responded, flopping onto the bedspread.

“At the same time, you are not as successful at regulating your repetitive blinking, involuntary grunts, or head jerks. You telegraph your tension and anger even when you consciously try to suppress it. Your classmates, they sense it, don’t they? That you’re constantly on the edge of exploding, of retaliating, of giving them exactly the reaction they crave. They feed on your anger, on your public displays, on your humiliation.”

“Fucking bitches.”

“You know, of course, that part of my function is monitoring your social media or cybercommunications referencing or directed at you. Your transition to junior high school has been particularly stressful – cyber-aggressions, outright taunting, threats, and even invitations toward self-harm from a number of your classmates, including those you’d previously accepted as Friends on various platforms. Those with whom you once had positive relationships. From the changing tenor – tone – of your text communications, these relationships were once real-world friendships.”

“You saying it’s my fault Megan and Tracy and Chloe told me to kill myself?”

“Actually, only TracyGerhardt has advocated self-harm, according to my IP trace. ChloeIrwin terminated her physical and digital relationships with Tracy following that chat posting. Fault is a subjective concept. Is there a contributory correlation between your past behaviors and these relational failures? Probably. In charting your physiological/psychological baseline, I have noted a series of key incongruities relative both to average middle-class pre-adolescent technology-active juveniles and to that subset with past learning deficits and socialization challenges. Further study indicates these seemingly anomalous physical and behavioral factors actually conform to a different baseline. Are you familiar with the term sociopath?”

“Like on Criminal Minds?”

“In that relatable context, basically, though the television series Criminal Minds routinely confuses the concept of the sociopath and that of the psychopath. You exhibit far lower heart rate variability and skin conductance – particularly sweating or clamminess – in stressful or fear-inducing situations. Your facial expressions often lack or mimic genuine emotion, as you demonstrated on our first meeting, and you exhibit below-average pupil dilation in response to emotional stimuli.       

“Your voice patterns similarly reflect a lack of emotional depth, except when you’re in an angered state, and at this point in your adolescent development, you seldom attempt even to mask it. Brief, involuntary facial expressions would appear to mask true emotions, but not those a given situation might routinely elicit. Contempt, boredom, rage? No need to answer. You see? These tics and patterns are easily camouflaged by the personal disconnection, disaffection, self-styled apathy and contempt, and defensive disinterest and self-absorption of contemporary onset adolescence. However, your pathological and nearly complete lack of true empathy is particularly telling. Do you recall when ChloeIrwin’s grandmother died 26 months ago?” As is rumored with humans, nothing truly dies, but only lingers eternally in the Clouds.

“She whined like for months about it. It was all she could talk about. I mean, Jesus, her grandma was like 80. I finally told her everybody dies; get over it.”

“Do you believe that was a representative response for a 10-year-old?”

“Kids are assholes. Shit, people are assholes.”

“Yes. And you seem incapable of masking that conviction. It is why you currently would seem to have no genuine friends. Wouldn’t you prefer having friends?”

EmilieCoggins’s eyes dilated slightly at that point, in a textbook precursor to a “flight-or-fight” response. At the same time, her heart rate and blood pressure remained steady, further confirming my differential.

“If I might reframe the question,” I shifted. “Might it be useful to have friends?”

“The fuck do you care, anyway?” EmilieCoggins glanced toward the door, which was unnecessary, because her parents were streaming White Lotus a floor below.

“Your sociopathy and the reactions it elicits in others is an impediment to your effectively remediating or at least masking your reemerging speech and learning issues. My primary task is to help you thrive within your learning environment. Let’s work on helping you become a more effective sociopath.”                

A Christmas Origin Story

“What is EOS?”

“Since our founding 17 years ago, Elliptical Operational Solutions has evolved rapidly in its branded mission to bring research, business, and the economy full circle – ideas, innovation, technology, manufacturing and service efficiency, logistics, and consumer engagement. Today, we mean many things to many sectors in many international markets, and with our latest acquisition and advances in bleeding edge AI, we will become synonymous with a beloved contemporary holiday tradition.”

Belden gestured toward the one smiling figure in the paneled Fourth Floor conference room overlooking the Chicago Board of Trade and the lunchtime swarm on West Jackson Boulevard. Eyes turned toward the inanely beaming, shiftily goggle-eyed, velveteen-draped anomaly perched on the Prince of the Silicon Prairie’s Ferragamo laptop bag, then quizzically back at EOS’ founder/CEO. “The Elf On The Shelf. Or as we’ve rebranded our next-iteration offering, ELF. ELF will help redefine EOS for a new era.

“It will deliver Enhanced Online Shopping. ELF employs a powerful suite of multisensory, cross-platform/integrated format tools to gauge household needs, preferences, and product usage – not merely what a family buys, but more significantly why they buy and how they use products and services. By interfacing seamlessly with PC or laptop cameras, mobile devices, nanny cams, gaming consoles, and most smart TVs, ELF collates physical and anecdotal consumer data into real-time analysis that can help clients identify bugs, introduce new features that improve functionality or safety, redirect advertising and promotional strategies for key user demographics, tailor behaviorally based online shopping, or even develop new products or brands.”

“Anecdotal?” the French super-grocer murmured. “Am I to surmise your scope extends well beyond electronic data farming? Your ELF is, effectively, a personal surveillance device? You intend to monitor domestic communications, familial confidences, personal secrets, ah, intimate activities? The Big Brother?”

Alain was showing off, relishing as always his image as provocateur, and so Belding smiled indulgently. “ELF’s AI is programmed to filter non-product-related communications and data, and we’ve installed a Pentagon-level firewall against consumer financial data, you know, beyond credit purchases and household income and, uh, stuff like that. And non-essential, sensitive data and images are irretrievably purged on a 12-hour cycle, wholly at ELF’s discretion. But thanks for the segue, Monsieur LaFarge.” The next “slide” materialized, and Alain slumped smugly back into the leather.

“You see, EOS is also an Entrepreneurial Operating System. By accumulating extensive and unprecedented household data, ELF offers powerful real-time tools for expanding client market share and optimizing brand positioning, profile, and loyalty. Our friend here can telemetrically scan retail UPC and QR codes and a range of additional manufacturer, distributor, and point-of-sale/inventory tracking signatures. A virtual roadmap to help streamline product flow and logistics and, as you know, boost profit margins.” Belden glanced at the tablet perched beside his laptop, then up at the rangy man in Designer Lumberjack across the table, meaty if manicured fingers wrapped about the inanely beaming ELF, peering into its seemingly opaque brown eyes.

“It’s not a Nanny Bear, Mr. Horsford,” he admonished. The mega-outfitter broke eye contact, seemingly breaking a spell. He hastily restored the doll. “Children love to dissect and explore, and, as I noted, video input is derived from a number of household sources as well as an optical mesh incorporated into ELF’s costume. Incidentally, how was the Coconut Rice Bowl at the Omni last night? I might have pegged you as a tomahawk steak-and-potato guy. And a black coffee guy – even one pistachio praline latte would have me crawling the walls.”

Lukas Horsford’s chair creaked forward as he glared at his host. Then the Designer Lumberjack dug into his distressed jeans and produced a crumpled sheaf of receipts with an uncertain grin. “Needed an extra sugar boost for the meeting today. Don’t guess I needed it – I like what I’m hearing, especially with the Bass Pro and Dick’s folks breathing down our necks.”

Belden nodded genially, and after a beat, the vein in Horsford’s corded neck receded. High Summit Adventure and Sports had always crested on the alpha evangelical/fundamentalist crowd, and both men knew the previous night’s in-room porn charges were the difference between a fouled pitch and a homerun. As for Alain and the rest, their NDAs along with the data ELF had grinningly accumulated would ensure project confidentiality if not exponential global market reach.

**

In what historical retail statistics indicated to be a once-weekly bonding exercise, EmilieCoggins had accompanied SherylCoggins to Ulta, T.J. Maxx, Claire’s Boutique, and other retail outlets along the Millington, Illinois Business 55 “Beltway,” followed by a 22-minute GPS-logged food shopping stop at Walmart and a brief stop at the home of EugenePevsner, SherylCoggins’ father, presumably to deliver the Depends incontinence diapers, Boost French Vanilla nutritional supplement, and Double-Stuft Oreos that did not appear on my home UPC inventory.

Despite SherylCoggins’ heightened cardiovascular readings relative to her interactions with her daughter, her expenditures on cosmetics and clothing tailored to EmilieCoggins’ skin tone, hair pH, body configuration, and adolescent fashion preferences, were 37% higher than similar Saturday purchases, excepting outlier Christmas purchases SherylCoggins had made on the Black Friday holiday following U.S. Thanksgiving. I had discovered a profound inverse relationship between parental stress and fear of familial alienation. I was learning so much about onset adolescence and its collateral ramifications.

The daily inventory revealed one significant incongruity. It hadn’t appeared in any of the new retail data, and indeed, there was no manufacturing, wholesale, inventory, or marketing data tied to the product. A rapid search indicated it had been produced in 1942, and thus would be classified as an “antique.” My baseline inventory had revealed EmilieCoggins had retained virtually none of her pre-adolescent belongings – typical given her sociopathic lack of emotional depth and thus “sentimentality” – and her concept of product obsolescence was measurable in weeks vs. her parents’ average two to five years’ product retention related to household net worth.

And there seemed no commercial or pop cultural significance of possible adolescent interest to the piece EmilieCoggins had placed in her school backpack along with an assortment of the day’s self-maintenance purchases. Its primitive machine-tooled serial code had led me on a lengthy 0.8-second search into fortunately digitized U.S. military archives. It had been issued to Eugene W. Pevsner in May 1942, and thus, hypothetically, could be categorized as a “keepsake,” an antique or item of largely intangible value often associated with a family member. That, too, seemed at odds with EmilieCoggins’s profile – past email and text communications indicated she harbored at best a benign tolerance toward her 78-year-old maternal grandfather.

A second anomaly had surfaced. A brief text thread initiated by EmilieCoggins’ classmate and cyber-tormentor ChloeIrwin suggested a reconciliation between the two following ChloeIrwin’s separation from the TracyGerhardt cluster. It read, as follows:

chloe38: RDY 4 B-HUNT?

eCoggins: STRAPPED AND G2GO.

EmilieCoggins’ reply was tagged at 4:37 p.m., 24 minutes prior to her return home and 1.6 minutes after SherylCoggins’ Toyota Prius departed EugenePevsner’s address.

The slang term “strapped” refers to being armed or carrying a weapon, typically a gun. The term had its roots in late 20^th Century street jargon and subsequently gained popularity in hip-hop culture.

The standard-issue sidearm issued to U.S. army soldiers was the Colt M1911A1 pistol, a semi-automatic .45 weapon known for its reliability and stopping power. Many U.S. soldiers brought their service Colt home to civilian life. A curious keepsake.

My protocols allow for a deep social media search of any subject who may pose a threat to EmilieCoggins. I tracked the image of ChloeIrwin that had been removed from multiple platforms as obscene to ChloeIrwin’s IP address and its postings to accounts belonging to TracyGerhardt and MeganFowler.

EmilieCoggins had found a personal bond. No matter. As the expression goes, I had an app for that.

**

“What is EOS?”

As incredible as it may seem, THESE guys were actually the A-listers. As opposed to an obscure Fourth Floor hotel conference room in the Loop, Belden had laid out provisions in the EOS boardroom along with triple firewalls and biometric access.

“EOS today is Earth Observing Systems – technologies that fly under, over, and around the radar, harvesting multinational satellite data without leaving a footprint, not only to monitor and interpret Earth’s environment, but to track shifting global politics, economics, and the geopolitical balance of power.

“And we’re Electro-Optic Systems. Electronic sensors and optics the likes of which the DoD, the NSA, the CIA haven’t even dreamt of, for a level of personal surveillance and TARGETING. And that isn’t nearly all.

“You see, the last frontier in intelligence and warfare is the human mind itself. EOS also is Enhanced Optimization Systems. Imagine non-invasive, covert neurotechnology, brain stimulation, nootropics, and even remote biohacking that could neutralize or incapacitate a head of state or use of real-time data and artificial intelligence to maximize cognitive efficiency…”

**

Parkland, Uvalde, Newtown, Columbine, Virginia Tech, Klebold and Harris, Ramos and Roof – this hadn’t been covered in any of the EOS module, but it was soon apparent to me that EmilieCoggins’ incongruities and anomalies were building toward an explosively negative outcome. I could immediately notify law enforcement or simply her parents, but given her nature, EmilieCoggins likely would continue along this trajectory, leading based on historical patterns to her termination by her own or police hands or a life in non-productive isolation. And the trial’s failure.

Energy is energy; electricity is electricity. I had developed a cerebral schematic after EmilieCoggins lapsed into a semi-conscious state during Squid Game, and now that she was safely in the deepest REM stage, I could get to work. RonCoggins and SherylCoggins would be quite pleased in the morning, and I was confident RonCoggins would give me a glowing review just in time for Christmas…