Ambition...naked ambition

Ambition…naked ambition.

Ambition is the last refuge of the failure

Oscar Wilde

This is a story about two young men that formed a deep and lasting friendship until they finally saw life’s challenges in a different light. The friendship started in the late years of their high school schooling.Their appreciation of each other and their love of the theatre was the link pin. They had both been members of the school’s theatre for the last two years. When Paul was picked to play the lead role in Look Back in Anger and David in the role of Cliff their firm friendship was sealed. Paul was an outgoing individual, a good sportsman, he had a handsome classical face with an engaging smile. His hair was blonde swept back from his forehead with a translucent quality to his facial skin. Whereas David was more of a studious student that preferred reading to performing on the sport’s field. He was a more concentrated and focused individual. He had dark skin with short dark hair. He was a tall elegant person with a chiseled facial structure in perfect harmony with his dark eyes. They made an excellent pair on the stage with voices that demonstrate confidence and vocal appeal.

After high school they went to different universities but their friend held fast with many visits and late night conversations.They had both signed up for their universities theatre and drama societies. At any first night performances on each other's campuses the friends tried to be present. They enjoyed the late night dinners and discussions with the casts after the curtain fell on the final scene. It must have been about two months at the end of their final year that David asked Paul to meet him for dinner.

At that time David told Paul he had an offer to join a respectable well known theatre group.They put on about four plays a year with three weeks of rehearsals and performances in the provinces before a showing in the West End. In London the plays usually lasted four or five weeks. David spoke with the manager of the group about Paul. The manager thought, subject to meeting his friend, the personage seems ideal for joining his troop. David also said the pay wasn’t bad as the company was reasonably successful. David remembers the dinner finished with his hand reaching out to Paul asking him to seriously consider becoming a member of the group. He felt sure the manager would be interested.

The first five years of being with the theatre group was a joyful and happy period. The group was a collection of 30 people from various backgrounds, cultures and religions. Their tight bond of mutual friendship was foundered in their love of the theatre and acting of many various characters. Was it the smell of a theatre, the smell of grease paint as you applied makeup, the foot lights, the clapping, the change of stepping out everyday life into a world of makebelieve; difficult to say. But once bitten with the desire to act it soon became a lifetime ambition. David and Paul after the first year were perceived as among the principal actors in the group. Paul was often appointed in the principal role, but not always. His supporting actor in most cases was David. They both enjoyed the time rehearsing and performing in provincial towns. The backstage crews with a variety of different accents appealed to their sense of the human diversity and warmth of mankind. The provincial audiences when compared to the London mob showed that going to the theatre was a special outing deserving a certain reverence. But the group always felt an ambiance of excitement when they moved the play from the provincial theatres in the West End. The next day papers and magazines were devoured at breakfast searching for praise or rejection.

David felt he had found his place in life, surrounded by a group of good friends, doing a job that satisfied his dreams and ambitions. He found it stimulating and exciting to continually be clothed in the life of another character. He enjoyed the occasional long holidays when the group retired in the long summer months. But he wasn’t so sure Paul felt the same way. In the last year Paul had become moody and irritated. It all exploded when one night they had dinner together.

“ David, I feel deeply unsatisfied. I can see you are content with your position in the group and it satisfies your ambitions. In the beginning for me it was a good stepping stone to move on to a greater career at the top of the acting tree. For the last year I have fully understood that to satisfy my ambitions this group would be a dead end. Therefore I have decided to hug and kiss you all say good bye. I am leaving for Hollywood as I have a friend out there who is encouraging me to come. So David be prepared to see my name in lights.

The group was disappointed with Paul leaving. On occasions his acting often made an inspiring and powerful lead actor, but they realized over the last year he had not been happy. They all thought that his proposed move to Hollywood needed a big dose of ambition and self confidence to break through the intense competition. There was a riotous last dinner to wish him good fortune.

After the first month of Paul's absence David received his first letter from him saying that temporarily he was staying with his friend. He had been on several film sets and had found an agent. The agent was very enthusiastic about his chances of finding a well paid acting role. The California lifestyle was exciting with great parties and a host of gorgeous women. You should come.

Meanwhile back home our group was having an excellent season with a year's booking in the West End for a contemporary play. David was in the lead role.

A year later Paul wrote a rather gloomy letter saying that the acting role as described by his enthusiastic agent had not yet materialized. In the meantime he was doing a little modelling and some advertising work. He was still staying with his friend which meant he had a door open to many parties. Apart from that they got along well together. His friend was a script writer.

David wrote back encouraging him to hang in there. His dreams will be rewarded. He also told him that he was marrying a girl called Jennifer who is a comic opera singer. The wedding is in one month and he enclosed an invitation with the letter. His last words were I expect you.

Paul declined the invitation with a feeble excuse. This deeply upset David. After that for the next eighteen months he never heard from Paul. He started to worry. He was due for a month's holiday. The group’s manager told him to take it immediately as a new play was under discussion and he would be needed. His immediate thought was to go out to see Paul as a surprise. He discussed his idea with Jennifer. She thought it was a great idea as she knew her husband was worrying about him. Unfortunately she could not join him as she was one of the main singers in a comic opera that was running at the Haymarket theatre.

The warm balmy air of Los Angeles felt good as he left the plane. He immediately went to the address of Paul's friend. He knew by this approach he would be sure to find Paul. As he entered the apartment building he was surprised to see only Paul's name on the letter box. He rang the bell. After about a minute he heard footsteps shuffling behind the door. The door opened there was a skeleton of his beloved friend Paul. Gone was that translucent light from his face, gone was the athletic build, his blond hair had lost its vigor and now was a tangled mess. Paul fell into David's arms saying, “how truly wonderful to see you”.

That afternoon Paul told David his sad story. My agent never delivered me an acting role, always the excuse that he was waiting for a part in a typical English film or play. I got depressed. I went to more parties which meant more drugs. I am today what you would call a drug addict. You might have guessed my beloved friend was a homosexual. He never touched me. In some weird way I represented for him the anchor needed as a symbol of living a normal life. He died five months ago from aides. It was after that my drug intake increased. He left me the apartment and some money. We enjoyed each other's company. He only occasionally took drugs at parties. I profoundly miss him. David, as you know, I came here with lofty ambitions. I failed.

David sat there trying to understand the whole drama of Paul’s profoundly sad life and the consequences of his dear friend's dreams being shattered.

“Paul, I have a month ahead of me. I will stay here with you and make sure you eat good healthy food. We will go to the beaches together and attempt to find your athletic form. We will try and see a few plays. No, no drugs. If I ever see you or suspect you are taking them I will leave. At the end of the month I will take you home with me. In the meantime you will sell the apartment. Back home you can temporarily stay with me and Jennifer. Do you agree?

Paul moved across the room and fell into David's arms weeping. “I agree, you are my savior”

The four weeks passed with total cooperation from Paul. The results were very pleasing. He was not quite the Paul that left the group for Hollywood but he was off drugs.They even went to a couple of parties where drugs were flowing like drinks.

Once back in England he stayed with David and Jenny for a month until he found a good job in theatre management. He told them his days of having ambitions on the stage had died on the streets of Los Angeles. Two years later he was married. We went to the wedding

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Oscar Wilde.

David Nutt September 2025