Escaping Emerald City

How does one atone for something that happened more than fifty years ago? How do you live with a horrific event that haunts you every day of your life? To this day the nightmares still come every once in a while. I haven’t spoken about this in a very long time.

It was 1979 and Disco was still going strong with the fancy clubs and hot dance music. I was nineteen and lived in Brooklyn, New York. Every once in the while I would go to a club in Cherry Hill, New Jersey called Emerald City with my cousin Nick and his two friends, Steve and Bill. My other cousin lived outside of Cherry Hill and would meet us at the club.

I woke up from a nap at six O’clock, jumped into the shower, blow-dried my hair, and went to my room to dress. People said I looked a little like John Travolta. My mother had my clothes ironed and ready for me.

Tonight the ensemble was black slacks, a silk shirt, and the gold cross my grandmother gave me for my confirmation. Dressed I asked my father for the car keys and off I went.

The guys were waiting for me at Nick’s house. They were already high and Bill was rolling another joint. Once that was done we hopped into the car and headed for the club. Steve asked if I wanted a hit and I said no. Steve and Bill dealt pot so they always had a big bag of the stuff. I smoked every so often. Tonight I wasn’t in the mood to do it.

An hour and a half later we arrived at Emerald City. You could spot it a mile away with its green lights. I decided not to drink that night because I was ready to dance. There was a hotel near the club and Nick had booked us a room. We meet my cousin Dom at the bar.

The music was loud and you really couldn’t talk so I told the guys I’d see them later and went to scope out girls to dance with. I danced most of the night but after working all day and being one in the morning I was tired. I found Steve and Bill but no Nick. Bill saw him with some girl and more than likely went back to the room. We said good-bye to Dom and headed to the hotel.

When we opened the door we heard the sheets rustling and there was Nick throwing the covers over some girl's head. We looked at one another and laughed. We left the room while the girl dressed and with her head down ran out of the room. Joe was sitting at the end of the bed when we reentered.

I was eyeing the other bed being it was nearly two. The three guys were talking about going home. I stopped and turned looking puzzled.

“We have the room why not sleep and head out about seven or eight. I’m really tired.” I said.

They talked me into it. It seemed Steve and Bill had to meet someone in the morning. I protested all the way to the car but they weren’t hearing it. We piled into the car and headed home. I asked Nick if he would drive but no such luck. I was stuck with that task. Once on the road, my head dropped and my eyes were closing. I caught myself and popped back up.

The three guys were sound asleep. The last thing I remember was the car was headed toward a tree. I turned the wheel hard but didn’t see the guard rail. My head hit the steering wheel and when I came too I opened the door and started walking. I heard voices and a hand grabbed my arm stopping my journey.

“Where you goin’ son? Are you hurt?” I heard the man ask.

I just looked at him.

“Is that your blood?” He asked.

I looked down at my shirt and it was covered in blood. I lifted it up but no wound.

“No, it’s not.” I replied still in a daze.

The troopers came and didn’t say anything to me. Just placed me in the back of the car. I still didn’t know what happened. At the station, they put me in a cell. I fell into a deep sleep on a hard bench. Not knowing how long I was out a trooper woke me up and escorted me out. The first thing I saw was my mother and father. I went to them tears streaming down my face. No one still told me what happened and I was too tired to ask. The only thing I heard was someone telling my parents they still don’t know how I opened the door.

Mom and dad took me to a hospital to be checked out. They admitted me because of blood in my urine. The Doctor thought something might have happened to my kidney. Once in the room, I finally asked where the guys were and what happened. Mom and dad looked at one another. My father told me to rest and we’d talk.

I was lying in the bed when a person entered my room place a newspaper at the end of the bed and left. I looked at the paper for a few seconds then picked it up. Circled was a headline. It was a story of what happened. Hands trembling and tears I read the article. I now knew two were dead and one seriously injured.

All I could think of was who died and who was in the hospital. I tore up the paper and a man passing the room told me to go to intensive care. I walked out of the room, entered the elevator, and found the floor. It didn’t take long because people love a spectacle and were more than willing to point the room out.

I looked into the room and there was a nurse and lying in the bed was my cousin Nick. His face was bandaged and tubes were what seemed all in him.

I screamed “NOOO!"

The nurse turned seeing me for the first time dropped what she was doing and called for help. She steered me away from the room. Next thing a big man with a wheelchair came for me. That night I had a guard outside my room. This was so I didn’t hurt myself and try to escape again. I was still crying when the nurse came and gave me a shot. I was out in seconds. When I was finally released from the hospital I asked the doctor if I could see Nick. The answer was no. He thought it was best is I didn’t. Mom and dad took me home.

Nightmares started and I had to take pills to help me sleep. I was a mess. A week later a man came from the insurance company to talk with me. Both my parents were there. I had to relive that night. He asked me if I smoked pot that night and drank.

The police found a bag of pot in the back. I told him it belonged to Steve and Bill. I then said no I didn’t drink that night because I want to just dance. I explain the whole thing to him. I had questions that needed answering. The man told me everything.

I hit the end of the rail and it came through the car. Hitting Nick in the face and the blood was Steve’s. He and Bill died instantly. He then told me I was lucky to be alive. Funny, I didn’t feel lucky. Two people were dead and Nick was still in the hospital.

He asked me how I was sitting in the car. I answered that I was slumped a little.

It seems if I wasn’t sitting that way I would have been decapitated. He also said they still had no idea how I opened the door. The sit was raised up.

The other reason he was here was I had to go to court. That day was horrible. An officer took the stand and say things I didn’t want to hear. I felt like a murderer. The judge stopped the trail after seeing how upset I was. He said a fine had to be paid and that was the end.

A month later I was going to see Nick. I didn’t want to but my mother insisted. She said he did hate me. I felt different. I went and it was awkward. I said high and cried. Sitting on the floor I fell asleep. I woke up to voices. I didn’t move after I heard a female say; “Is that him?” It turned out to be Steve’s sister.

For years I couldn’t bring myself to say anything but “Hi, how are you?”

In my late forty’s Dad died and I flew to Florida. Mom being mom Asked why the accident still haunted me and Nick loves you. The waterworks started.

“It’s not easy to forgive yourself and every time I see Nick I’m reminded of that night. I went for counseling. Did no good. I just have to live with this.” I answered.

Atonement to this day still hasn’t come. I’m sixty-two and still live with the nightmare. Who knows if there will ever be closure for me.