They say eyes are the windows to your soul.
I couldn't sleep. Which was nothing new.
I tossed off my comforter,
sank my cold feet into my fuzzy slippers
and made my way to my window.
The glass feels icy cold to the touch.
Normally I lean against it.
Because I like it so much.
I have an amazing view up here where I am.
Like my own private window of the world.
The buildings are still aglow, there's a thin layer of snow.
The sky is clear. Not even a star out tonight.
Its unusually quiet this late.
I stand there and wait for cars to pass by.
I love the humming sound that comes from their speakers.
Sometimes, I try and imagine whose inside each vehicle.
Just like I pretend to know the names of the
people down on the street.
Amy and Paul who hold hands as they pass.
Jill and Steven I saw him go in for a kiss.
Rachel and Maggie talking and laughing before their Uber arrives.
Wouldn't they be surprised to know I'm awake.
I'm just being nosy, up here in my room.
I lean my forehead against the hard smooth glass.
It feels good on my skin.
Where is everyone tonight?
No happy couple. No group of friends.
I can hear a motor cycle engine but its too far away.
He wont pass my window.
No not tonight.
I been missing you lately. Missing you so much.
Which is nothing new.
And I wonder where you are.
Do I ever cross your mind?
Do you stay awake like me?
I remember how it use to be.
Back then we were happy and I knew you cared.
Now I'm painfully alone and I get so scared.
Its been much too long since I've seen your face.
My heart is shattered without you
I know you need your space, I'm fine with that I swear.
Just pick up the phone and call.
Let me know your ok.
Then I wouldn't have to worry every single day.
A blue truck rumbles down my street.
We use to watch the traffic together.
"Try and guess the color of the next car."
You would say to me.
Back then it was just something to do,
now I'd give anything
to play that with you.
I remember us holding hands as we made our way across the street.
Playing Frisbee in the park way after dark.
Baking a cake for a birthday dinner.
You were very good, we had fun and you were only a beginner.
We rode bikes to the library and the ice cream store.
You sat on a stool at the counter waiting for more.
The novelty shop was two doors down.
We looked at the beanie babies and the baseball cards.
I brought you a Grover mug.
You loved it so much. You asked me.
"Do the Grover voice"
and I did it well.
Oh how I miss those days.
When it was just you and me.
Now I'm here by myself and its killing me.
I know that your different, I honestly don't care.
I just need to see you I wish you were aware.
A parent always wonders what their children are up to.
No amount of time nor space will make me forget you.
I feel like a failure.
You chose to go away.
But you didn't just move out, you left without a trace.
And my memories are what I hold on to
because I can longer see your face.
If I could tell you what you mean to me.
That your unique not like any other.
Your my son and I love you.
But there's so much more I would say.
How I can still hear your music.
Or the sound of your alarm on your phone.
The color of your eyes, the style of your hair.
Please come back and see me I have to know
your still out there.
If I could change the past I most certainly would.
I'd let you know I'm sorry.
So sorry I couldn't give you what you needed from me.
Or be the kind of Mom you wanted me to be.
Children don't come with instructions.
They just hand them to you.
Each child is different from all the rest.
They will push us to the limit until we pass the test.
Nobody explains that your going to f**k up,
It is a thankless job and there is no pay.
But its in fact the most perfect job, if you do it right
But I should've been stronger.
Protected you more.
And not let you leave me, just walk out the door.
As I stand here in silence, I'm fully aware that
tomorrow will come and you still wont be there.
I want to hear your voice again.
Its been way to long since I have seen your face.
You'll never know my pain or how much its grown.
There is a gigantic hole in the middle of my heart.
The space that belongs to you.
Its reserved for you alone.
Please dial my number just call my phone.
Let me know you still think of me.
That you remember the past.
It wasn't always hurt and sadness.
Sometimes we had a blast.
Laughing, watching movies,
I would tickle under your arms
you would tickle my feet.
We walked and rode our bikes
in the hot summer heat.
I taught you to throw a baseball
and even how to throw a curve, you already
knew how to swing a bat.
I can still see you as Darth Vader
Or any number of different costumes
That came in between.
I look out of my bedroom window
on this cold winter night, I can picture
you there on my sidewalk and smile to myself.
This is all I have left.
So I treasure it immensely.
I see the top of your head
and your thick brown hair.
You have just looked up at me.
I wave and you wave now too.
I'm tired of pretending,
I wish this were true.
It feels worse than any migraine
or physical pain.
The thought of living life without you
I guess I will slowly go insane.
If eyes are the windows to the soul,
then what are the windows to the heart?
Please someone tell me.
Because mine already broke apart.