The Choice

Death. I can’t decide whether it feels more like falling into a deep sleep or waking up from a nightmare, but one thing I am certain of is its similarity to life in the most unexpected of ways. 

I have now come to believe death is an individualized experience. This is the story of mine. 

The end began much like the beginning. 

Gasping for air. An instinctual cry for unknown reasons. Eyes opening to blurred vision. The desire to figure out your surroundings, but the fear of the unknown. No concept of time. Everything going black once more. Silence. Then the cycle repeats. 

I don’t know how long I went through this cycle. My mind would become hyper-aware, but my eyes wouldn’t focus. The humanity in me kept wondering if I needed my glasses. I wanted so badly for the silence to come back so my mind would be quiet, but the silence also scared me. What if I didn’t come out of the silence again? Is that the final end? So many questions. 

It was when my mind became too tired to wander any longer that my eyes opened. Everything was clear. My mind felt at peace. As I was trying to stand, I heard a soft, comforting voice. 

“Focus on my voice. You’re okay.” 

He was tall with a long white beard and kind, blue eyes. 

“Are you God?” was all I could think to ask. His laugh came out deep and slow as a smile spread across his face. 

“Would it give you peace if I told you I was?” 

“I don’t know.” I figured being honest was my only option. If he was the “all-knowing” then he would know if I wasn’t telling the truth anyway. 

“Do you know how you came to be here?” 

At first, I thought he was joking. 

“I died.” 

He continued smiling and said, “Yes. That is correct.” 

“But where is here?” 

I realized that I was in a forest. It had to be a forest. I could see so many tree trunks, but the trees were so tall that no matter how hard I tried to see the leaves I couldn’t. It was dark, but there was an iridescent glow about everything in my view. 

“You’re at The Impasse.”

“The Impasse?” I thought for a second. “Like, purgatory? Did I not get into heaven or something?” My knowledge of religious beliefs and practices was pretty low. 

He laughed that deep, slow laugh again. “Not exactly. Man’s understanding of the afterlife is based upon their own fear and desires. They teach that your afterlife is dependent upon your choices during life, but it is somewhat the opposite. The choices you make here at The Impasse will determine your afterlife.” 

“More choices? My life was filled with nothing but choices. Choices that began when I was too young to understand them but lasted so long that I watched them suck the life out of my family. Please don’t have me make any more choices. Can’t you just decide what happens to me?” I spoke with such desperation the smile left his face. 

“Keep your mind at peace, Leila.” His serious tone calmed me. 

“You know my name?” 

For some reason, the name sounded foreign. As if it was from another lifetime. I guess, technically, now it was. 

“I know exactly who you are, Leila. I know everything you have been through. The choices you will make here are not like the ones you and your family were forced to make in life. These choices will not result in life or death. That decision has already been made.”

I couldn’t tell if he was trying to be witty or just matter-of-fact. Either way, the statement made me smile. 

He continued. “The Impasse is not your afterlife. You must choose the path to your afterlife.” 

“You mean I get to decide where I go? Heaven, Purgatory, or Hell?” 

I was so confused but also surprised. If people knew this I bet the whole you have to go to church on Sunday thing would be eliminated. 

“Not exactly. Remember, man created those things. The choices here are a little different.” His eyes twinkled as the smile returned to his face. 

“Similar to man’s belief, there are three paths for you to choose from. One is no better or worse than the other. The choice is simply how you choose to spend your afterlife.” 

He had my complete attention. I didn’t get to spend much time in a real school growing up, but I felt as if this is what it would be like to have a really good teacher. One that embodied their lesson so intensely that every part of you was captivated by the words that came of out their mouth. 

“Are you ready to hear your choices, Leila?” 

“I am, but how will I know what to choose?” 

“You will know." He said with a wink. "Let’s begin with Evanescent.” 

As the words came out of his mouth the forest began to fade from view. I was surrounded by blurred scenes moving so quickly that I couldn’t make out what anything was. My body felt anchored to the ground as my surroundings spun out of control. As quickly as it began everything came to a halt. 

“Welcome to Evanescent!” he said with the gusto of a pilot announcing the arrival to a new city. 

We were in the middle of a college campus. There were students rushing off to class, students sitting in groups in the grass visiting, students sitting alone with headphones in enjoying music, and even one student had an easel set up and was painting everything she was taking in. 

“You didn’t get to attend college. Did you, Leila?” He asked the question even though he knew the answer. 

“I didn’t.” The excitement I felt when we first arrived began to fade away. This was just another experience I had to watch from the sideline. 

“In Evanescent you could go to college. You would have all the feelings and experiences of a human. Meet people, eat food, and make bad decisions that you will regret, but learn from.” He released a laugh. 

“Are you serious? How is that even possible?” I felt like this was becoming a cruel joke. 

“I am very serious. But…” he said with a wink. “...if you choose Evanescent your afterlife will pass quickly and then vanish.” 

“Vanish?” 

“Yes. You will get to experience the one thing you wanted more than life itself when you were living, but it will not last long, and when it is over you will simply vanish.” He waved his hand through the air. “Your afterlife will be complete and your soul at rest.” 

The words he was saying sounded so harsh, yet he said them with so much care. He was right though. Going to college like a normal 18-year-old was the one thing that I wanted more than anything and now I could have it! 

“Leila.” He brought me from my thoughts. “Are you ready to see the second path you may choose?” 

I looked around the campus one more time. Taking in everything I could. “Yes. I’m ready.” 

My body felt anchored to the ground as my surroundings began to spin out of control once more. I wanted so badly to stay in Evanescent, but I knew I needed to keep an open mind. There were two more paths to see. The spinning came to a quick halt. 

“Welcome to Enlightenment!” 

We were in the most beautiful place I had ever seen. Acres and acres of beautiful rolling meadows. Flowers everywhere! The most perfect stream curving its way through the green grass. So many types of animals walking amongst the people. Each person I saw had a smile on their face and looked as if they were floating instead of walking. 

“Wow,” was all I could say. 

“Enlightenment is an eternal afterlife. There is no pain, no sadness, no sickness.” 

He looked directly into my eyes and gave me another one of those smiles. 

“People and animals live in harmony with one another. The meadow is alive in its own way. You will live an eternal afterlife in peace.” 

“What is the ‘but’ for this path?” My question definitely came out with more of an attitude than I intended, but I was beginning to feel the weight of the choice ahead that I had to make. 

He smiled as if he could hear my thoughts. 

“The ‘but’, Leila, is that you are not assured you will ever see a loved one from your living life. Everyone chooses their own path in the afterlife and their path may not lead to you.” He said the words slowly as if he were trying to help me digest them at the right pace. “In Enlightenment, your mind and soul will be at eternal peace.” 

“So I won’t vanish here?” 

“No, Leila, you will not vanish.” 

I couldn’t decide if the twinkle in his eyes was still comforting or if it was starting to annoy me.

“I’m ready to see the last path,” I said confidently. 

As everything began to spin out of control once more nothing could have prepared me for what I would see next. 

“Welcome to The Inbetween.” His voice did not have the same gusto as the last two paths. He was quiet. Almost reverent. It didn’t take long to realize why. 

I was standing in my parent’s living room. 

My mother was sitting in her usual spot on the couch. I could hear my father in the kitchen. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind he was making her some ginger tea. He began walking toward the living room.

“Ginger and honey, just how you like it, my sweet.” As he handed the mug to my mom I noticed the bags under his eyes. His hair was not in the normal slick combover I saw every day of my life. He looked older. I wanted to cry, but tears wouldn’t form. 

I looked at the long-bearded man with anger. “What the hell is this?” 

He kept calm but no longer smiled. 

“This is The Inbetween, Leila. Before you allow your mind to destroy the peace you have created look around you. It may be hard to watch, but you are with your parents. You are here with them.” 

I shook my head. I kept looking back and forth between my parents and the long-bearded man. 

Evanescent is the place I always wanted to be! 

Enlightenment is a place of peace! 

Here. Here is the place I never wanted to leave, but death took me from it! 

I steadied my mind. “What exactly is The Inbetween?” 

“This path will lead you back to the world you left. You will exist here for all eternity amongst the living, but always alone. No one will ever join you here in the afterlife.” 

He was speaking slowly again, but I couldn’t stop watching my parents.

“I was their only child,” I said quietly. 

“I know, Leila.” 

“They named me Leila because I was born at night. How fitting that I died at night as well.” 

My mom took slow sips of her tea as my dad held her hand. They sat in silence. 

“Will they know I am with them?” I had never longed for tears so deeply. I needed to release all of the emotions in me. 

“In their own way. The thing about The Inbetween is you will have little moments to bring them comfort or show them signs, but it is up to you to figure out how. It takes knowing your loved ones.” His comforting smile returned. 

“That is why no other soul can join you here. The Inbetween is a path only you can choose. A soul surrounded by the living, but all alone for eternity. That Leila is the ‘but’ of this path.” 

“What happens when they die?” I couldn’t help but ask. 

“Your soul will stay here. Forever surrounded, forever alone.” The twinkle left his eyes. 

“It’s time, Leila. What path do you choose?” As he spoke my parent's house faded away and we were back in the forest. 

Evanescent. Enlightenment. The Inbetween. I repeated them over and over in my head. 

An afterlife filled with new experiences, but brief.

An eternal afterlife filled with peace, but none of my loved ones.

An afterlife watching my loved ones until their death, and then an eternity alone in the living world.

My mother always told me that my age was never defined by the number of years I lived, but by the wisdom I was born with. I knew what path I needed to choose. 

“You were right. I know the choice I have to make.” I smiled at the long-bearded man. “Thank you for your guidance.”

He let out that deep laugh one last time. “You’re welcome, Leila. What path do you choose?” 

With a clear mind, I told him my choice.