Therapy Session

What I did, how can I ever get forgiveness for that? You say it is easy, just ask for it. Hah! You don't understand. If it was just me then…

It wasn't, err isn't. If it was just me, then well… but it wasn't. Don't you understand.

No, you can't. You would have never. No one decent would have. I know, I know. I can't be held responsible for what I did before I knew, and understand my own childhood issues. It is easy enough to understand intellectually. But…

My heart knows better. The deepest part of me understands that I should have known. I should have!

Don't try to tell me differently. It is a soul knowledge.

I could blame him and even her some. I have to, right, as I am blaming myself. I can't not blame my own parents. My childhood was a very big part of the problem, after all.

You have been saying it. I know. But some responsibility has to be mine too. They were my responsibility. Mine! Gifts from the Almighty that I…

I…I messed them up! Me! Me alone. I can't blame anyone else for the decisions I made. I was an adult. Wasn't still a child living in an abusive situation, so the decisions I made are all on me.

No. No I am sorry, I can't blame anyone else. Yes, my childhood had an effect on my own… but still…

.

You say I need to forgive myself. It isn't easy. How can I be? Knowing. Knowing! It would be different if I would have been.

So different. No, I don't know in what ways. But better, that is assured.

They suffered because I did. How fair is that! Not at all. So forgive myself, how do I even begin?

I hated him. Loathed him. And myself. Hah, funny that I have been able to forgive him. His childhood was a nightmare too. Finding that out, well, it helped me understand, as much as that was possible. So forgiveness…

How is it so much harder to forgive myself? Did he, I wonder. I would love to have asked him.

He died in peace. My stepmom said he sought and received God's forgiveness. Why didn't he seek mine? Unanswerable, I know.

I was relieved but also angry. Forgive me, it seemed like an easy out. Too easy. It did, anyway until it occurred to me that if he felt even a fraction of the way I do, if he carried the guilt and shame, I feel, well, maybe it was enough.

For I know how tough this is. The only thing in my life I would absolutely change, if I could, would be, having them before I did this. Therapy. Therapy before having children. Get myself straightened out first.

It was selfish, you see, so very selfish to make children, while I was still dealing with my own childhood traumas.

But I can't go back only forward. Relentlessly forward. Working through my own childhood issues and theirs. How unfair is that!

That they have my trauma placed on them. I know, I know, it wasn't on purpose. I would never have done that. Would that it would make a difference.

Intent. It should. If someone does something horrible but it wasn't done purposely, then the consequences shouldn't be as bad as if it was done with intent.

That makes sense, right? I mean, it wasn't my fault. Who knows whose fault it really is. When it began. Was it with who hurt him, or is it with who hurt them? How far back?

Ahh, does it matter? Really. Listen to me, trying once again to justify the unjustifiable. Trying to push off my responsibility. It doesn't matter how far back it goes, right? For I could have ended the chain. The curse could have ended with me. Now they have to try to do what I couldn't or wouldn't. End it in the life of their children. If they even have any.

Oh God! What if they don't because of what I did with them? What if?

If it never ends because of what I did? How could I even begin to live with that? Huh, how could they deny the amazing gift of parenthood because their stupid mom messed up.

Right, I know I am not to be using that type of defeatist language. I am trying, it is just the thought of it. I know, they are barely adults. There is plenty of time.

Plenty of time. I need to remember that. Plenty of time. To have children. God knows they are doing it right unlike their mom who rushed in. Maybe, just maybe it will be okay. They may just get their own lives together before starting parenthood. Much better.

Huh, maybe I have at least taught them how not to do it. That is something right. Yeah, that is something.

I must try to remember the positives. Nothing is all negative. Right? Yes, right. Is that the way to think about this? Focusing on the positive? There is no reason to dwell on the negative.

After all, there is nothing I can do to change the past. The future is the priority. Huh, or it is a good way to get out of taking responsibility.

Yes, that is easy enough to say. That holding on to this guilt isn't good for any of us. The status quo is easier than forgiveness. I have lived with this for a long time, after all. Lived with this overwhelming guilt and shame. Doing the hard work of forgiving myself every day, every hour, that is much more difficult.

But, that is what I need to do, I know that. It is a bit self indulgent to hold fast to the shame. It will do nothing to help them and our relationship. The only way to heal, for all of us, is work through it.

So yeah, I will be here every week, even past what the court requires. Until I learn to forgive myself.