Hours

NOTE: Please be advised, this story is based on a personal true event surrounding the death of a friend.

I sat in the passenger seat of my boyfriend's Honda Civic staring at the gravel driveway as we rumbled down it. He parked in the grass behind Jackson’s Volkswagen and shut the car off. We both sat still for a few silent seconds, looking at nothing in particular. All of our friends were here already. 

Jackson’s girlfriend, Emma, walked out from around the side of the house toward us. We got out of the car and she wrapped me in a hug as she took a steadying breath. 

“It’s not real, right?” I asked as a few tears pooled in my right eye. She smelled like booze, so I knew they had already started drinking. 

She said nothing as she moved to hug Nile. “Come on,” She said. “They’re all in the back.” 

We followed her past the garage, where we spent the majority of our weekends working on someone’s project car, to Matt’s backyard and the fire pit and Adirondack chairs around it. Matt was surrounded by the guys of the friend group while the ladies congregated a bit of a distance away. Nile made a b-line to Matt, sitting with a red solo cup grasped between both his palms, and bent down in front of him. He whispered to him as he put a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m just glad that you’re okay.” I heard him say. 

I reached over and ruffled Matt’s curls so he knew I was there before turning to the girls. Emma had rejoined the group already. I hugged Kara and Laney before putting my arm around Emma. She rested her head on my shoulder and I could feel her silent sobs. 

“So, what happened?” I asked quietly. 

“They were driving to West Peak, Matt, James, and Brian. James’ car just lost control and he went into a tree. Car got crushed. Passenger door was pushed into the center console,” Laney explained while slowly swirling the contents of her own red solo cup. 

“Matt was driving behind him and saw it happen,” Emma added. 

I looked at Matt over Emma’s shoulder, still sitting in the Adirondack chair with his head down. 

“Did he, like, try to pull him out?” I asked. 

Kara shook her head as Laney answered, “Can’t do anything until the EMTs get there, could cause him more harm.” 

“He sat outside his car with him until they came.” Emma put in. 

Kara stared at her hands, “They tried to save him.” 

That was enough to send Emma over the edge. Her and James had grown close over the past few years, as hard a blow this was to us all, it may have been even harder for her.

“So, how’d you find out? Nile said you called the group chat.” I wasn’t part of the group chat but asked to join after today.

“Brian said something off-putting in the chat and wasn’t answering anyone. I couldn’t just wait for someone to tell us what was going on, and I used to go to James’ house all the time to pick him up for parties or whatever, so I just drove Jack and me to see if his mom knew anything. We had to wait outside his house while the cops told his mom about it,” Emma recounted the day’s events. “When they finally let us see her…that’s when she told us.” 

Laney and Kara probably already heard this story, but remained still while she told it to me. 

“The paramedics think he died on impact. God, I hope it was quick," She practically whispered. 

I didn’t know what to say, so I just let the tears fall silently. Kara took my hand and we stood together for a few minutes in our own little circle. I wasn’t so close with James but had known him for years, pretty much as long as I was with Nile. He was so sweet and always made it a point to say ‘Hi’ to me whenever we all got together. He was young, just turned 24 three months ago. 

“I need a drink,” I looked toward the fire. 

Laney inclined her head toward the back door, “There are drinks inside.” 

I walked behind her into the house, leaving Emma and Kara to venture back to the guys. On the kitchen island were bottles of liquor, mixers, and empty beer bottles. Laney grabbed a red solo cup from the packaging and handed it to me. I inspected the bottles and decided on the cheap vodka that was half empty. I poured it into my cup until it was half-full then popped off the top of a spiked lemonade and poured that in as a mixer. Laney raised her eyebrows but I just shrugged. 

“Let’s get back to the guys, I want to check on Paul.” Laney’s fiance. 

The stars were out and the fire was burning low in the backyard. Aaron was bent over next to it trying to stack twigs in the hot coals. I checked my phone after feeling it buzz in my pocket. It was my mom checking in on us. I sent her a quick reply and saw the time. Almost 10pm. He’s been dead for 4 hours. 

Only 4 hours. 

Already 4 hours.

Why didn’t it feel real? I could look around and picture him standing next to Nile or sitting in the one chair that was empty. Without thinking I searched his name on FaceBook. There he was, smiling in his profile picture. Smiling in the pictures from the boy’s trip they took not even 3 weeks ago. 

I felt the tears start up again and locked my phone, knowing I’d do it again about a hundred times tonight. Nile moved across the yard and we locked eyes for a moment. He smiled, a sad sort of smile, but I knew it would be okay. 

We would be okay. 

Eventually.